He never supports me in anything.  When I told him I wanted to quit 608 because it was making me unhappy and making us fight (after he said he should have never brought me onto the company), instead of seeing I was telling the truth, that it did make me unhappy, that I was fucking crying because of it, and supporting me and telling me it was okay, he started complaining about all the stuff he'd have to do because I'd be leaving.  He made me feel worse for leaving a job I absolutely hate than staying and being unhappy.  That was really selfish.  He's very selfish.  Anytime I know what I want to do he just says no.  He doesn't even take my opinion into consideration if it doesn't match his.  A relationship is not a one-sided thing.  You can't just take.  It just constantly feels like he doesn't give a shit about me.  I don't know what to do.

I've Been Trying To Do It Right | I've Been Living A Lonely Life

I was standing in the kitchen, at the sink, drinking a glass of water. He came out of his room and stood in the spot I usually stood at the counter. He smiled at me.

“What are you doing here?”

“Hanging out with Adam.”

“Do you want to hang out tomorrow? I've got the next four days off work.”

“It's possible. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet.”

I was going camping with Adam. But how could I say that without giving it all away? He walked over to the fridge, looked in it. Then he just leaned against the back wall, staring at me.

“Are you sleeping over?”

“Yup.”

“Are you fucking my roommate?”

“...No.”

I panicked. I shouldn't have lied. But without even reasoning through it, that was the first thing out of my mouth.

“Would there be a problem with that?”

“No, not really.”

“Good.”

Adam came out of his room and got a drink. Drew had moved to the couch. He looked like shit. I could tell it was more than just allergies bothering him. He was watching Adam and I. He knew what was going on, but he didn't want to admit it to himself. Adam went back to his room and I was about to follow, but I turned around instead.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm just stressed out.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, I kind of do.”

I sat in the chair next to the couch.

“What's going on?”

“I'm just stressed out about work. I can never get done what they want me to get done. I just don't have enough time. And about the apartment. We haven't heard anything from them since turning in the application.”

“I'm sure you'll hear from them soon. Like tomorrow or something. There's no reason you guys wouldn't get the apartment. And work. Well work is work. Just do your best.”

“Yeah I'm sure you're right. I'm also kind of stressed about you.”

He looked me straight in the eyes. Please Drew, no. Don't do this.

“I'm afraid I made a mistake. That I shouldn't have broken up with you. I freaked out. And now hanging out with you the past couple weeks has made me think it was a mistake to break up with you.”

Fuck you.

“Drew, you're a really nice guy and I enjoyed being with you, but I think we're better as just friends.”

“Is there any chance we could get back together?”

“Not right now.”

“Not right now.”

Silence.

“So, are you fucking my roommate?”

“Yes.”

More silence.

“Wow. I haven't been this pissed in a long time. I feel like I need to punch something.”

“Please don't.”

My confidence was gone. It was like I could barely talk. I could barely get the words out. I was terrified.

“So is it just fucking or are you two together?”

“I don't know. We haven't really talked about it.”

With every word I said, I could feel him getting angrier. He got up and went outside on the patio. He punched the wall. I had to leave. I escaped to Adam. There were tears on my face. He came over to the bed where I was sitting and wrapped his arms around me. I told him everything that had happened.

“You know, I don't think I've ever seen Drew leave his room except to go to work.”

“That's not true. When we were together, we'd play frisbee every once in a while. There's no reason he should be pissed. He broke up with me. And when we were just fooling around, he made it perfectly clear it wasn't going anywhere.”

“Well, I don't think he deserves you. I guess I owe him a thank you because if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have met.”

He's got a goofy way of doing it, but he can cheer me up. My phone vibrated: “Please come back out and talk to me.”

“He wants to talk to me again.”

I got up and moved to the door.

“You don't have to.”

“I know. It won't take long. I just feel bad. I'll be back in a few minutes.”

I gave him a small kiss and opened the door.

“Hey, wait."

He grabbed my waist and closed the door again. He kissed me the way no one has in a long time. I turned and opened the door and went out. I sat on the arm of the couch, ready to escape again if needed. He complained and questioned me some more. I don't really remember what all he was saying. I didn't care at this point. I just wanted to go curl up in bed with Adam and forget about him. He was nothing to me anymore.

He finally started feeling better. He said he wanted to be friends, that he was okay. He stood and gave me a hug. He went to the kitchen to take some sleeping pills so he could sleep. Adam came out of his room and came and stood by the couch where I was.

No Adam. Go back in your room. Drew was calmed down.

“Is everything green?”

Drew went to his room and slammed his door.

The next day I went up north with Adam. If Drew hadn't acted so immature and irrational about it all, maybe I would have felt bad. But I didn't. I still don't. Adam's a really awesome guy.

~*maria*~

"What are you holding out for? What's always in the way? Why so damn absent-minded? Why so scared of romance?"

i really miss you.  i never really told you this because it's hard for me to really voice my feelings these days, but i really care about you.  You're the first person who caused me to want to be better.  For the first time in 9 years, i actually wanted to get help for my depression because i didn't want to be that depressed girl for you.  i wanted to be happy for you.  i wasn't even like that with Joe or Kyle or anyone else.  We really weren't together for long at all but you are something special to me.  And all the stuff you said you needed to figure out, your anxiety and such, i could have been the supportive, stable person in your life you told me you needed.  i know what it's like to go through stuff like that, and it's no time to be alone.  i miss you.

~*maria*~

So Loved

Another St. Patrick's Day alone. It feels so cool that absolutely no one wants to hang out with me.

~*maria*~

It's Scumbag Christmas!

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhh

Screw. This. Shit.

~*maria*~

Message To Myself

Hey! Listen!


~*maria*~

Uku...Ladies? [FTFY]

**Warning: Ultra-drunk post ahead. Proceed with caution.**

Watching the man i used to be with up on stage playing the ukulele with the man i have a crush on now almost killed me (i know, i know. i wish i could have some time when i didn't have a crush on a guy. But at some point in the past couple months my brain has suddenly decided to latch onto this one. Fuck me).

So i started downing drinks like there's no tomorrow.
Because that's how i deal with emotional problems because i don't actually want to face my emotions because they're scary and stupid and i shouldn't have the ones i have but i have no clue how to get rid of them.

And now i'm really embarrassed because i got drunk in front of them on a Monday night. Good going sydnie. No wonder you're alone.

~*maria*~

P.S. I told him Kyle has seen me really drunk. Kyle said it was really funny. Yeah, funny because you can use me, lead me on, and then ditch me for some other frumpy girl. Yeah that's so fucking hilarious.

Oh my god I fucking hate February so much.

P.P.S. Oh wait, I get it. It's really funny because I'm always really forward when I'm drunk right? But I'll also never be with the man I want at that moment. Which means, for Kyle, it's so FUCKING HILARIOUS THAT I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER! YAY! You're right. That's so funny! Oh my god. Just flippin' hilarious.

Space

Can't you just leave me alone? Can't you get my subtle hints of pretty much ignoring you unless you come up to me? I'm sorry. I know you want to be friends, at least that's what you said but I don't believe anything you say anymore. The thing is you destroyed me worse than anyone has. You and the absolute completely wrong way you dealt with the situation hurt me so much that my entire way of approaching people and events has changed drastically. I just want to finally be done with it. I don't want to see you, talk to you, have to listen to all the stupid things happening in your life. I don't care. But I just can't get away. Every time I turn around, there you are. You even switched into one of my classes so now I have to see you three times a week. Goddamnit. I want to be friends (not for my or your benefit but simply because we have a lot of common friends now and it'll be difficult to hate you and still try to be friends with them) but that will never happen if I can't get some flippin' space.

Ugh. I hate February.

Two Unrelated Posts In One!

"Our ancestors made a choice: stability or clarity. They could have stability in their lives, but never truly know who we are or why we're here. However, if they choose the other, clarity, their lives would be difficult and trying. There would be much suffering and pain, no stability in their lives, but they would know and be able to reason and logic. They chose clarity because they knew they could achieve stability through clarity but clarity cannot be achieved through stability."




i really wish he'd call.

~*maria*~

p.s. {No Lies, Just Love} is seven years old. Happy birthday.

Finals Revelation

i was studying for my final for my Kafka and the Kafkaesque class. i was reading through my notes. This class had interesting readings but the lectures were particularly boring. This being the case, as i read through my notes, there was more self-reflection and thinking than in any of my other notebooks for any other class. i thought i would share some of the more interesting things i've found (also, i'm totally just putting off more studying).

10/20/11
"I love the way you get completely speechless when I start touching you when all other times you talk so much. I love the way you talk and the way you listen when I talk. I love the way you laugh about things you're thinking about. I love how smart you are. I love that you listen to almost any type of music. I love the way you get all self-conscious after we have sex. I love the way you don't judge me and the way you kiss me when we just start to make out. I love the way you kiss my forehead or my nose every once in a while. Or the way you can tell something's wrong by how I'm breathing.
I love the way you led me on and destroyed me. Thanks.
(I wrote everything but the last sentence on Oct. 20, two days before he broke things off. This last sentence was added Oct. 25.)

11/3/11
"I can't decide if I believe in God or not. On one hand, I would like to believe so that I can think I'm not alone. To try to eliminate this constant feeling of loneliness I always feel. It would be nice to believe that all this shit I've been going through is worth it; to believe he has a plan for me. however, if I were to admit that there is a God, I would be inclined to believe that he just hates me."
(Written beside a drawing of the TARDIS.)

And now for some very entertaining quotes from my philosophy professors over the years, and some other things I found in my notes.

Intro to Philosophy, Fall '10
"Everyone who thinks bludgeoning me to death is a good idea, come on! I'm right here!"
"Bludgeon Chris, pizza party!"
"I'd be teaching up here naked."
"Can we talk about 4? 4 is sexy."
"Spirit and soul? This seems a little more sexy."
"I would take off my shirt and do chest hair, but that would be creepy."
"Determinism is really sexy."
"This guy is hardcore about the eraser"
"Oh my god, kiss me now."
"What-the-helling it."
(This next exchange was said by students in the class talking about a huge party on campus that the cops busted)
"I heard it took people an hour and a half to get from the front door of the house to the keg." "I don't know about that but it took me an hour and a half to get from the keg to the breathalyzer."

19th Century Philosophy, Spring '11
"I don't know if you've ever seen an infant, but I don't recommend looking at them."

Environmental Ethics, Spring '11
(The first quote was said by a student, the second immediately popped into my head [I hated this guy].)
"Sentient beings are beings capable of higher thought." "Wouldn't that exclude you?"
(And then I stumble upon a...story I guess is the correct word for it...a story I wrote during class that is much to saucy to write here.)

~*maria*~

Finally!

i went to the Rathskeller with AHA on Wednesday and made lots of new friends. i'm starting to feel very comfortable around them. This is what i needed. New people in my life. i love my old people, but new people are awesome. i finally had a good week.

~*maria*~

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."

Oh my God, shut up. i'm so sick of my whining all the time. So you're completely alone, have no friends, and no one will ever love you. So what? Grow some balls, little one. When you're down, read some Nietzsche. You'll feel better. Philosophy always makes you feel happy.

~*maria*~

The Things That Used To Mean So Much To Me Have Gone The Way Of Dinosaurs

i was supposed to go to Florida. It was all planned out. i was excited. It was finally something good. i was going to go and have an awesome time and be happy. i woke up to a text this morning from Rezi telling me it wasn't going to work out and i couldn't come anymore. i wasn't even surprised. It's kind of pathetic that i've come to completely expect everything that makes me happy, or has the potential to make me happy, to fall apart. Because if i were happy, if something good happened to me, the world would explode.

i'm so sick of crying myself to sleep. i wonder if my neighbors can hear me.

i don't even want to exist anymore.

i really can't remember anything good that happened to me in the last two months.

~*maria*~

Backtracking A Backtrack?

....Nevermind. He just did the same thing they all do. i love it. i fucking love my life so much right now. Oh my god, yes. i totally don't feel like jumping out my window into Lake Mendota right now.



i give up. Completely.

~*maria*~

Backtrack

It was when he told me about his car crash that i really realized how much i miss him. And when we went up to his room and we were just talking about things going on in our lives i realized how different we both are. And later in the night when he stopped kissing me, looked me in the eyes, and told me, "I really enjoy the time I spend with you," i realized what i gave up and what i would give to get it back.

i thought i was missing out. i thought there would be someone better out there. But i'm an idiot, i've proven that so many times already. No matter how much of a bitch i was to him, he never really got angry at me. He was one of the nicest guys i've ever met. i know we had our problems, our differences, but after going out and experiencing other men, i know finding a nice guy who actually wants to be with me is almost impossible. All the other guys turn out to be assholes every time. i just wasn't ready back then for the relationship i had. i didn't understand what i had. But i do now.

~*maria*~

Never, Not Ever Again

i wrote this during one of my classes yesterday:

"There's a new boy. He's really nice. His name is Jared. i don't feel a thing for him. i should feel something. At least feel i don't want to date him or i do. But i feel nothing. i haven't been feeling anything for anyone lately. When John came to town and we hung out with Phil and Rachel, i didn't feel that usual camaraderie (that word looks weird) i usually feel for John. And i didn't feel that friendship i usually do with Rachel. i felt nothing. What if Kyle broke me? After a parade of guys, it finally caught up with me. i just simply gave up last week. And then i felt empty. Usually i would've held on to him and fought for him. But instead i just gave up. It kind of sucks."

Jared and i went on a date tonight. He was going to take me to Great Dane, but it was packed. We ended up going to Noodles which is where Kyle took me on our first date. i know i can't associate places with people, especially Kyle. But - and i know everyone will say that i shouldn't have done this, that i'm just making myself suffer more - but the entire night i just kept thinking that he's not Kyle. i know i can't compare other guys to him. No one will live up to him. At least that's how it feels right now. i mean Kyle had his flaws, he wasn't perfect or anything. It just comes down to the fact that, right now, i don't want anyone else but him. And i know that will fade. But until then, everyone just needs to let me whine and pine and cry over him.

Oh, i guess i'll finish the story. After dinner, we just came back to my place, watched a couple episodes of Firefly, and then he started kissing me (not that great of a kisser, btw). And then i told him i couldn't do it. i felt like an absolute asshole. i told him i just got dumped by a guy i really liked and i was hoping this numb feeling would go away, but it hasn't and it wouldn't be fair not to mention i just don't think i could handle jumping into a new relationship right now. Then he left.

~*maria*~

"Everything excellent is as difficult as it is rare."

i went to an AHA (Atheists, Humanists, and Agnostics) meeting tonight. It was fun and i will be going to more. But Kyle's very involved in the group. He ran the meeting tonight. i was talking with him afterward. i was just going to say hi and then go home. But he asked when i wanted to hang out again.

i'm not sure that's a good idea.

i've been thinking about it for the past couple days, and i really don't think i should hang out with him for a while. i mean i really want to but i don't know if that's because i really actually want to be friends with him or because i still have feelings for him and i truly believe he made a mistake by letting me go. i really do believe that. If it's just that i really want to be friends with him, then eventually i should be able to hang out with him without feeling like crap. But if it's solely the other reason then i know how us hanging out this weekend will end: With me crying. And i'm kind of sick of that.

i know what my friends would say. They'd say not to. And i know they're probably right. But will i listen to them? i'm not sure yet.

i didn't give him an answer. i told him i'd let him know for sure later.

~*maria*~

I'm A Warrior

i hung out with him all day. Watched him play Persona 4, ate food, fell asleep on his bed. He woke me up and told me he was going to take a shower. While he was gone, I sat and listened to his roommate who was on the phone with a guy friend talking about a girl. He was saying that the girl knew how the guy friend felt about her and has reciprocated, but i got the sense they weren't actually dating. She just wanted to be friends. i wanted to burst into Dillon's (the roommate) room, grab the phone, and tell his guy friend to run away. To not even try to be friends with this girl because he'd only get his heart ripped out and stomped on right in front of him. my eyes teared up and i realized - sitting in his room surrounded by his things, his smell, this place that used to make me so happy - i can't do this anymore. So i pulled my shoes on, slipped my sweatshirt over my head, threw my backpack over my shoulders, and waited. When Kyle came back, i gave him a proper goodbye and walked out of his life. i would like to be friends with him. But it hurts. i probably won't be gone from his life forever. But i'm done being the one making the effort. If he wants to see me, he knows how to get in touch with me. He knows i'm around.

i can't decide if i came to that decision to not put myself through such suffering because i'm not as strong as i used to be or if i just grew up. On one hand, this heartbreaking hit me a lot harder than the others and that points to me not being a strong as i used to be. But maybe it's not that. Maybe i'm stronger because even after all my shitty experiences with guys i still had enough balls to put my heart on the line. And stronger because i know where to draw the line, i know that the pain i would be putting myself through would not be worth it in the end. i'm a fucking warrior.

Something very coincidental happened tonight. We got chinese food for dinner. And when we opened our fortune cookies while sitting next to each other on his bed, mine was a pretty stupid fortune, but his said, "Stop searching forever. Happiness is right next to you." i laughed. What are the chances of that?

But anyway, i don't need a man. Relationships are always just doubt and disappointment. i've got awesome friends. Manda and Rachel really helped me out this entire last week, listening to me whine even though they probably could've told me this would happen from the start. But they knew i wouldn't listen. And so they were there to help me sweep up the pieces of my shattered heart, mostly with pizza and shots. What more could a girl ask for?

~*maria*~

But The Words You Served Destroyed My Planet. It's All My Fucking Fault.

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." But there's a problem with that. i've heard that said so many times, and it wasn't until i said it to myself that i actually realized what it meant. Nothing's meant to be. Nothing is predetermined. i have free control over my actions. i made a choice. i think that's one reason this one hit me so hard. i was seriously debating whether i should tell him what was on my mind. i told him i should just keep my mouth shut! (Why didn't you?! You're such a fucking idiot all the time. The only thing you're good at is screwing stuff up.)

But i didn't. i decided he was right. i decided it would be better if we just talked about it. my decision was wrong. i could've and should've just told him it didn't matter, curled up in his arms, and gone to sleep. i would've woken up the next morning feeling fine. i would've woken him up. We would've gotten lunch. He would've hugged me goodbye with one of his amazing hugs. And i would have gone home happy at three in the afternoon instead of balling my eyes out at three in the morning.

But i didn't keep my mouth shut.

And none of that happened.

Instead i spent all of Sunday in my bed, crying.

i still can't figure out what's wrong with me. Can't figure out what it is that attracts the guys and makes them like me and then suddenly just throw on the brakes. Maybe they just realize i'm not good enough. They could do so much better.

This one, this guy...Kyle...has given me a new theory about my life: The Unhappiness Principle.
Everytime i'm happy in a relationship (or a potential relationship which seems to be the case more than a real normal relationship) all of my friends' relationships fall apart. This last time with Kyle, at least four of my friends broke up with their significant others. And the opposite is true as well. Whenever i'm alone and unhappy, all of my friends are happy with their significant others, and everyone seems to have somebody. So maybe i have to be unhappy for everyone else to be happy through some epic cosmic causal relationship between me and the universe. It sounds crazy. It is crazy. But i need some way to cope with the fact that nothing ever works out in my favor.

Maybe the world would explode if a guy I had feelings for actually felt the same way.

Or maybe...

You know those people who seem to be the luckiest poeple ever? Like Rob was one. The luckiest man i've ever met. Everything always worked out in his favor. Well maybe in order to balance out the universe, there has to be equally unlucky people and i'm one. i'd be the queen of the Unluckys.

Or maybe the answer is semi-simpler, I just would hate to admit it. Maybe there is a God, and for some reason he just fucking hates me.

~*maria*~

Traaaaain. I'm A Traaaaaain.

He told me there is no chance we will ever be anything more than friends. i should've just kept my mouth shut.