Every Aching Wound Will Cauterize And Bruise In Memory Of What We Used To Call "In Love"

I hate myself for....so much.

For ever falling for him.

For believing anything he said.

For letting it get this far.

For wasting so much time pining over him.

I hate myself for being such an idiot.

~*maria*~

They Don't Love You Like i Love You

He's moving to California. In a few months. This isn't what i wanted. He's going to be even farther away. There's no way he'd want to try it now. How could he tell me he could see us going further? How could he keep leading me on? Only to move to fucking California. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

i've been begging and begging for something to go right. i was so happy. For once i was happy. And now i'm losing a man that i love to a state that is a four hour plane ride away. Why can't something good happen?

...please...

Grade School Take II

While i was growing up, anytime my brother was with any of his friends or even our cousins, they would all team up and make fun of me and make my day miserable. While John doesn't really do that anymore, only when i'm being evil, Moses still does. All the time. Pretty much anytime we're with other people, especially guys he's friends with, he makes me feel like shit. He and Rob just did it. i thought i didn't have to deal with that anymore.

Anytime something that reminds me of my terrible times of my childhood happens, it's like i immediately feel horrible. It's not like i had a bad childhood, it was just full to the brim with getting teased and made fun of all the time. And i can still barely stand that. i really don't like them right now.

~*maria*~

Sometimes Quicksand Has A Massive Appeal To me

Remember when i was so depressed in high school? That doesn't even begin to compare to how i have felt lately. And no one seems to notice. It takes every ounce of strength i have to not cry every second i'm awake. i don't find anything entertaining anymore. And there are only about three people i can stand to be around for more than five minutes, but they don't care about me.

"i'd like to tell you that i'm ready for whatever's coming, but, to be honest, there's a part of me that loses control." -- A Lifeless Ordinary (Need A Little Help), Motion City Soundtrack

~*maria*~