Grade School Take II

While i was growing up, anytime my brother was with any of his friends or even our cousins, they would all team up and make fun of me and make my day miserable. While John doesn't really do that anymore, only when i'm being evil, Moses still does. All the time. Pretty much anytime we're with other people, especially guys he's friends with, he makes me feel like shit. He and Rob just did it. i thought i didn't have to deal with that anymore.

Anytime something that reminds me of my terrible times of my childhood happens, it's like i immediately feel horrible. It's not like i had a bad childhood, it was just full to the brim with getting teased and made fun of all the time. And i can still barely stand that. i really don't like them right now.

~*maria*~

Sometimes Quicksand Has A Massive Appeal To me

Remember when i was so depressed in high school? That doesn't even begin to compare to how i have felt lately. And no one seems to notice. It takes every ounce of strength i have to not cry every second i'm awake. i don't find anything entertaining anymore. And there are only about three people i can stand to be around for more than five minutes, but they don't care about me.

"i'd like to tell you that i'm ready for whatever's coming, but, to be honest, there's a part of me that loses control." -- A Lifeless Ordinary (Need A Little Help), Motion City Soundtrack

~*maria*~

i'm A Robot

my mother called me this morning. She said i should find some friends outside of my computer. That pissed me off. It has been made perfectly clear to me over and over that no one understands my obsession with WoW and why i would much rather play that than be with people in real life, so everyone just needs to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. i don't care what you think. i enjoy spending my life in front of that stupid game so shut up. If i wanted to be with the people i know in real life, i would be. But right now i just want to sit here and restlessly switch between WoW and Halo. The next person who says something like that to me, gets a punch in the kidney. i'm just sick of it. It doesn't make me feel good.

~*maria*~

i Can Disappear Anytime i Want To

That's it. Some nice Thanksgiving morning Halo playing with him and i'm gone. i need to distance myself from him. This is killing me. So no more texting him, asking him to play with me, making the first move. He doesn't want me so i need to make it so i don't want him either anymore. Wish me luck. Good luck.

~*maria*~

Soccer

i had a dream about Ryan earlier. It was very sad. And it made me very sad.

~*maria*~

Your Girl

i'm not his kind of girl. His girls are skinny and pretty and good in bed. i'm none of those things.

i can't understand why this would happen? i've been through so much crap with guys. There's no way, if there's a God, he would let it seem as though Rob is just within reach only to be ripped away. i want him so bad.

i'll have to hear your giggles at some point this night...you have a pretty voice, it's nice to hear...because you're cute...you're awesome...you should take a lesson from your bear and get on all fours...pretty lady...i really just wanted to sneak away with you

~*maria*~

"You should talk more. You have a pretty voice. It's nice to hear."

This situation is killing me. i love playing WoW with him and playing halo and talking to him and texting each other constantly but it sucks at the same time. Whenever we're doing those things, i have to sit there and constantly remind myself that this amazing guy... ...will never be mine. That last phrase was so hard to type. It's so unfair. He actually likes me, and yet i can never be with him. It hurts so bad. Worse than any of the others ever did. It feels like someone is stomping on my heart.

Do you really want to go outside
It's so cold out there
Wouldn't you rather spend the night
I'll keep you warm
In here

Laying next to you
Your skin on my skin
Wouldn't you rather pretend
That this night doesn't have to end
And I
I'll take you home in the morning
I promise, I swear
In the morning
I'll take you home

And maybe you'll stay
And maybe you will stay
And maybe you'll stay with me

To wake up next to you
And watch you sleeping
Is all I want right now
Is all I want right now
And I know I can't keep you
And this night has to end
But if we just hold on to tonight
If we just never fall asleep
Maybe this won't end
Maybe this won't end
Maybe this night won't end

If we hold on to tonight
Then maybe this won't end
If we never fall asleep
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this night won't end
--Sherrie's Song, I Voted for Kodos

~*maria*~