Finals Revelation

i was studying for my final for my Kafka and the Kafkaesque class. i was reading through my notes. This class had interesting readings but the lectures were particularly boring. This being the case, as i read through my notes, there was more self-reflection and thinking than in any of my other notebooks for any other class. i thought i would share some of the more interesting things i've found (also, i'm totally just putting off more studying).

10/20/11
"I love the way you get completely speechless when I start touching you when all other times you talk so much. I love the way you talk and the way you listen when I talk. I love the way you laugh about things you're thinking about. I love how smart you are. I love that you listen to almost any type of music. I love the way you get all self-conscious after we have sex. I love the way you don't judge me and the way you kiss me when we just start to make out. I love the way you kiss my forehead or my nose every once in a while. Or the way you can tell something's wrong by how I'm breathing.
I love the way you led me on and destroyed me. Thanks.
(I wrote everything but the last sentence on Oct. 20, two days before he broke things off. This last sentence was added Oct. 25.)

11/3/11
"I can't decide if I believe in God or not. On one hand, I would like to believe so that I can think I'm not alone. To try to eliminate this constant feeling of loneliness I always feel. It would be nice to believe that all this shit I've been going through is worth it; to believe he has a plan for me. however, if I were to admit that there is a God, I would be inclined to believe that he just hates me."
(Written beside a drawing of the TARDIS.)

And now for some very entertaining quotes from my philosophy professors over the years, and some other things I found in my notes.

Intro to Philosophy, Fall '10
"Everyone who thinks bludgeoning me to death is a good idea, come on! I'm right here!"
"Bludgeon Chris, pizza party!"
"I'd be teaching up here naked."
"Can we talk about 4? 4 is sexy."
"Spirit and soul? This seems a little more sexy."
"I would take off my shirt and do chest hair, but that would be creepy."
"Determinism is really sexy."
"This guy is hardcore about the eraser"
"Oh my god, kiss me now."
"What-the-helling it."
(This next exchange was said by students in the class talking about a huge party on campus that the cops busted)
"I heard it took people an hour and a half to get from the front door of the house to the keg." "I don't know about that but it took me an hour and a half to get from the keg to the breathalyzer."

19th Century Philosophy, Spring '11
"I don't know if you've ever seen an infant, but I don't recommend looking at them."

Environmental Ethics, Spring '11
(The first quote was said by a student, the second immediately popped into my head [I hated this guy].)
"Sentient beings are beings capable of higher thought." "Wouldn't that exclude you?"
(And then I stumble upon a...story I guess is the correct word for it...a story I wrote during class that is much to saucy to write here.)

~*maria*~

Finally!

i went to the Rathskeller with AHA on Wednesday and made lots of new friends. i'm starting to feel very comfortable around them. This is what i needed. New people in my life. i love my old people, but new people are awesome. i finally had a good week.

~*maria*~

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."

Oh my God, shut up. i'm so sick of my whining all the time. So you're completely alone, have no friends, and no one will ever love you. So what? Grow some balls, little one. When you're down, read some Nietzsche. You'll feel better. Philosophy always makes you feel happy.

~*maria*~

The Things That Used To Mean So Much To Me Have Gone The Way Of Dinosaurs

i was supposed to go to Florida. It was all planned out. i was excited. It was finally something good. i was going to go and have an awesome time and be happy. i woke up to a text this morning from Rezi telling me it wasn't going to work out and i couldn't come anymore. i wasn't even surprised. It's kind of pathetic that i've come to completely expect everything that makes me happy, or has the potential to make me happy, to fall apart. Because if i were happy, if something good happened to me, the world would explode.

i'm so sick of crying myself to sleep. i wonder if my neighbors can hear me.

i don't even want to exist anymore.

i really can't remember anything good that happened to me in the last two months.

~*maria*~

Backtracking A Backtrack?

....Nevermind. He just did the same thing they all do. i love it. i fucking love my life so much right now. Oh my god, yes. i totally don't feel like jumping out my window into Lake Mendota right now.



i give up. Completely.

~*maria*~

Backtrack

It was when he told me about his car crash that i really realized how much i miss him. And when we went up to his room and we were just talking about things going on in our lives i realized how different we both are. And later in the night when he stopped kissing me, looked me in the eyes, and told me, "I really enjoy the time I spend with you," i realized what i gave up and what i would give to get it back.

i thought i was missing out. i thought there would be someone better out there. But i'm an idiot, i've proven that so many times already. No matter how much of a bitch i was to him, he never really got angry at me. He was one of the nicest guys i've ever met. i know we had our problems, our differences, but after going out and experiencing other men, i know finding a nice guy who actually wants to be with me is almost impossible. All the other guys turn out to be assholes every time. i just wasn't ready back then for the relationship i had. i didn't understand what i had. But i do now.

~*maria*~

Never, Not Ever Again

i wrote this during one of my classes yesterday:

"There's a new boy. He's really nice. His name is Jared. i don't feel a thing for him. i should feel something. At least feel i don't want to date him or i do. But i feel nothing. i haven't been feeling anything for anyone lately. When John came to town and we hung out with Phil and Rachel, i didn't feel that usual camaraderie (that word looks weird) i usually feel for John. And i didn't feel that friendship i usually do with Rachel. i felt nothing. What if Kyle broke me? After a parade of guys, it finally caught up with me. i just simply gave up last week. And then i felt empty. Usually i would've held on to him and fought for him. But instead i just gave up. It kind of sucks."

Jared and i went on a date tonight. He was going to take me to Great Dane, but it was packed. We ended up going to Noodles which is where Kyle took me on our first date. i know i can't associate places with people, especially Kyle. But - and i know everyone will say that i shouldn't have done this, that i'm just making myself suffer more - but the entire night i just kept thinking that he's not Kyle. i know i can't compare other guys to him. No one will live up to him. At least that's how it feels right now. i mean Kyle had his flaws, he wasn't perfect or anything. It just comes down to the fact that, right now, i don't want anyone else but him. And i know that will fade. But until then, everyone just needs to let me whine and pine and cry over him.

Oh, i guess i'll finish the story. After dinner, we just came back to my place, watched a couple episodes of Firefly, and then he started kissing me (not that great of a kisser, btw). And then i told him i couldn't do it. i felt like an absolute asshole. i told him i just got dumped by a guy i really liked and i was hoping this numb feeling would go away, but it hasn't and it wouldn't be fair not to mention i just don't think i could handle jumping into a new relationship right now. Then he left.

~*maria*~

"Everything excellent is as difficult as it is rare."

i went to an AHA (Atheists, Humanists, and Agnostics) meeting tonight. It was fun and i will be going to more. But Kyle's very involved in the group. He ran the meeting tonight. i was talking with him afterward. i was just going to say hi and then go home. But he asked when i wanted to hang out again.

i'm not sure that's a good idea.

i've been thinking about it for the past couple days, and i really don't think i should hang out with him for a while. i mean i really want to but i don't know if that's because i really actually want to be friends with him or because i still have feelings for him and i truly believe he made a mistake by letting me go. i really do believe that. If it's just that i really want to be friends with him, then eventually i should be able to hang out with him without feeling like crap. But if it's solely the other reason then i know how us hanging out this weekend will end: With me crying. And i'm kind of sick of that.

i know what my friends would say. They'd say not to. And i know they're probably right. But will i listen to them? i'm not sure yet.

i didn't give him an answer. i told him i'd let him know for sure later.

~*maria*~

I'm A Warrior

i hung out with him all day. Watched him play Persona 4, ate food, fell asleep on his bed. He woke me up and told me he was going to take a shower. While he was gone, I sat and listened to his roommate who was on the phone with a guy friend talking about a girl. He was saying that the girl knew how the guy friend felt about her and has reciprocated, but i got the sense they weren't actually dating. She just wanted to be friends. i wanted to burst into Dillon's (the roommate) room, grab the phone, and tell his guy friend to run away. To not even try to be friends with this girl because he'd only get his heart ripped out and stomped on right in front of him. my eyes teared up and i realized - sitting in his room surrounded by his things, his smell, this place that used to make me so happy - i can't do this anymore. So i pulled my shoes on, slipped my sweatshirt over my head, threw my backpack over my shoulders, and waited. When Kyle came back, i gave him a proper goodbye and walked out of his life. i would like to be friends with him. But it hurts. i probably won't be gone from his life forever. But i'm done being the one making the effort. If he wants to see me, he knows how to get in touch with me. He knows i'm around.

i can't decide if i came to that decision to not put myself through such suffering because i'm not as strong as i used to be or if i just grew up. On one hand, this heartbreaking hit me a lot harder than the others and that points to me not being a strong as i used to be. But maybe it's not that. Maybe i'm stronger because even after all my shitty experiences with guys i still had enough balls to put my heart on the line. And stronger because i know where to draw the line, i know that the pain i would be putting myself through would not be worth it in the end. i'm a fucking warrior.

Something very coincidental happened tonight. We got chinese food for dinner. And when we opened our fortune cookies while sitting next to each other on his bed, mine was a pretty stupid fortune, but his said, "Stop searching forever. Happiness is right next to you." i laughed. What are the chances of that?

But anyway, i don't need a man. Relationships are always just doubt and disappointment. i've got awesome friends. Manda and Rachel really helped me out this entire last week, listening to me whine even though they probably could've told me this would happen from the start. But they knew i wouldn't listen. And so they were there to help me sweep up the pieces of my shattered heart, mostly with pizza and shots. What more could a girl ask for?

~*maria*~

But The Words You Served Destroyed My Planet. It's All My Fucking Fault.

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." But there's a problem with that. i've heard that said so many times, and it wasn't until i said it to myself that i actually realized what it meant. Nothing's meant to be. Nothing is predetermined. i have free control over my actions. i made a choice. i think that's one reason this one hit me so hard. i was seriously debating whether i should tell him what was on my mind. i told him i should just keep my mouth shut! (Why didn't you?! You're such a fucking idiot all the time. The only thing you're good at is screwing stuff up.)

But i didn't. i decided he was right. i decided it would be better if we just talked about it. my decision was wrong. i could've and should've just told him it didn't matter, curled up in his arms, and gone to sleep. i would've woken up the next morning feeling fine. i would've woken him up. We would've gotten lunch. He would've hugged me goodbye with one of his amazing hugs. And i would have gone home happy at three in the afternoon instead of balling my eyes out at three in the morning.

But i didn't keep my mouth shut.

And none of that happened.

Instead i spent all of Sunday in my bed, crying.

i still can't figure out what's wrong with me. Can't figure out what it is that attracts the guys and makes them like me and then suddenly just throw on the brakes. Maybe they just realize i'm not good enough. They could do so much better.

This one, this guy...Kyle...has given me a new theory about my life: The Unhappiness Principle.
Everytime i'm happy in a relationship (or a potential relationship which seems to be the case more than a real normal relationship) all of my friends' relationships fall apart. This last time with Kyle, at least four of my friends broke up with their significant others. And the opposite is true as well. Whenever i'm alone and unhappy, all of my friends are happy with their significant others, and everyone seems to have somebody. So maybe i have to be unhappy for everyone else to be happy through some epic cosmic causal relationship between me and the universe. It sounds crazy. It is crazy. But i need some way to cope with the fact that nothing ever works out in my favor.

Maybe the world would explode if a guy I had feelings for actually felt the same way.

Or maybe...

You know those people who seem to be the luckiest poeple ever? Like Rob was one. The luckiest man i've ever met. Everything always worked out in his favor. Well maybe in order to balance out the universe, there has to be equally unlucky people and i'm one. i'd be the queen of the Unluckys.

Or maybe the answer is semi-simpler, I just would hate to admit it. Maybe there is a God, and for some reason he just fucking hates me.

~*maria*~

Traaaaain. I'm A Traaaaaain.

He told me there is no chance we will ever be anything more than friends. i should've just kept my mouth shut.

All This Bitterness Is Starting To Grow Cold

i really really really don't want to do this again. i should just stop now. i'll just stop hanging out with him. It'll save me a lot of heartbreak down the road. Because i've been through this multiple times. i know what's going to happen. Eventually he'll find a better girl or he'll just cut all ties. That's what happens every time. If a guy isn't ready to date you right away, he never will be. So why waste my time. Why go through these nights of feeling like shit? i should just quit while i'm ahead. Yeah. Maybe someday i'll find a guy who actually likes me. i doubt it, but i can dream.

~*maria*~

Hey, Hey, Hey, We're All Gonna Die Someday

Maybe i'm just having a bad day. But don't i deserve some kind of happiness in the guy department. i mean i know everyone has had their bad breakups and stuff, but look at my history. i think it's kind of rough compared to other people's.

Tom - led me on, chose his current wife over me; still tries to fuck me
Phil - dated me on and off and the final time he broke up with me said, "I never really liked you, I just didn't like to see you cry"
Luca - led me on, said he didn't want to date me because he was still hung up on his ex
Mark - the only kind one in the group; flat out said he didn't want to date me
Joe - we never really liked each other; the only guy i broke it off with
--WoW guys--
Drak - really liked me but eventually just stopped talking
Rob - led me on, said he liked me, said he had too much stuff going on in his life
Javi - just wanted to fuck me
Rezi - he was just lonely, completely cut ties with me in the course of a weekend

Why couldn't Kyle have just been a normal guy? One who actually liked the idea of dating me. One who said, hey we like each other, let's date. i was so excited when i thought this was actually going to be a normal relationship. But of course not! That's not how my life works. And i fucking hate it.

~*maria*~

Watch Me Fuck Shit Up

The question was bothering me all night. He already knew how i felt, feel, about him. As i was laying there, cuddled up against him, i was going back and forth, trying to decide if i should just ask or not. i hate not knowing where i stand when it comes to relationships. Finally, under my breath i muttered, "Fuck it," and asked.

So are we officially dating or what?

He sighed that sigh guys make when they're about to say no to something and they know it will hurt your feelings. He didn't have to say anything else because that was a sufficient answer. He said he didn't know, which is another way guys say no when they're trying not to hurt you.

It's fine. Nevermind. Don't worry about it.

i turned over and tried really fucking hard not to cry. He asked if i was okay. i said i was fine. He asked if i was just saying that. i said no. After a while turned away from him, thinking about what the fuck i was doing with my life, i turned back toward him and scooted closer. He wrapped his arms really tight around me, holding me, running his fingers through my hair.

i'm an idiot.

He said i wasn't. He said we should talk about it.

i'm an idiot. i thought you liked me.

He said he did like me. He said i was a really cool girl and enjoys the time he spends with me and he doesn't want that to end. He said he likes me more than just an average friend. But he doesn't want to rush into anything. He recounted the past couple relationships he's had. The last one ended because he found out, about a year into it, something about the girl that was pretty much a deal breaker. And so he had to break it off. And the last girl he wanted to date, led him on for a while only to tell him she didn't want to date him.

It's quite obvious how i feel about you. i like you. i want to date you. i'm not leading you on. And i can't really see anything about myself that would be an absolute deal breaker for you.

He said he wants to minimize the chance of causing or being caused more pain by getting to know everything about me first and then dating me. i tried to explain that even now, while he was telling me that, i was getting hurt. Not quite in those words, but something like that.

Any relationship isn't easy. Even friendships. But especially in the dating aspect. Someone always gets hurt. There's no way around that.

He said he knew. By this time i had pulled away. i was lying on my back. It was silent for at least five minutes. i was thinking. He wants to keep hanging out. He supposedly likes me as more than just a friend. And as long as he doesn't run into something about me that's a deal breaker (which again, i can't think of what that would be), then when we get to know each other a little better, he might want to date me. Sounds a lot like every single other guy i've ever had the pleasure of wasting time on. i've already wasted a year of my life waiting for guys (see Monday, October 11, 2010 - Wednesday, September 7, 2011). Of course nothing ever goes right in my life. i am a fucking idiot for thinking for even a millisecond that this would work out. And that pissed me off as i was laying there. i wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, that he was an asshole for leading me on like that. But i didn't. He already felt bad. Instead i thought through the other side of the argument. i don't have anyone else. No other potential boys. And i really enjoy spending time with him. We get along really well and i get all his nerdy jokes (which is something he said he really liked about me). And i like him. And it's not like he flat out doesn't want to date me. He just doesn't want to rush into it. And that's an epic flaw of mine. i like rushing into things. It's what i've always done and what i always will do. So maybe taking this slow, really getting to know him and then deciding if i really think spending the time and effort to date him will be worth it isn't such a bad idea.

Okay. i like spending time with you and hanging out with you. And you said you didn't want that to stop. So it's okay. If you're not ready to date me now, and you could be in the future, i can wait.

He said he wanted the situation to be comfortable for me. That he didn't need the physical aspect. That if it would be hurtful or if i just didn't want to have sex with him anymore, he was okay with that. He said he didn't want me to think that he was just hanging around with me for the physicality, because that wasn't what he was doing.

It's fine. i enjoy it, so do you. For now, we can keep doing it.

He said he felt bad. He said he should have talked about it sooner with me.

Don't feel bad. This really isn't the worse thing a guy's ever done to me. i, too, have a horrible history of relationships. i understand where you're coming from. i'm not sure i completely agree with it, but i understand, and i'm willing to wait and see what happens.

We cuddled up to each other again. The conversation gradually fell to something lighter: video games. We eventually fell asleep.

...

It hurts today more than it did last night. It hurt to look at him while sitting across from him at lunch. But the pain will fade. i will be fine. i always am.

~*maria*~

Pokemon

It went wonderfully! Yay! i'm totally geeking out and being retarded right now. We're going on a date on Tuesday. A real date with a real boy who lives in the same city and is awesome. i'm excited. All right. Settle down.

~*maria*~

Brain

i've been operating under the assumption that he does like me. i assumed his being really nice and walking me home and cuddling with me all night and the next day and making out with me meant he liked me. But what if it doesn't? What if he turns out to be a jerk just like the rest of them? i'll be so sad. i'm trying to tell myself to take it one step at a time, to not over think things. Trying to tell myself to just watch some Doctor Who, go to sleep, wake up, and see what happens tomorrow night. But my brain is stupid and doesn't work that way. i think and over think things constantly. i hate it. SHUT UP BRAIN! I JUST WANT TO BE CAREFREE AND HAPPY FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER! JUST FOR 24 MORE HOURS!

i'm so excited and terrified about tomorrow i don't know if i want to dance or cry.

i'll write more later.

~*maria*~

Flippin' Out

It's been so long i've forgotten how to have a crush on a guy who's actually in the same state, in the same city (!), without going completely insane. It's a fucking amazing feeling. i met him at Rachel's birthday party (thanks Rachel) and he's really nice. i don't know how he feels about me. i hope he likes me. i kinda brought him home Saturday night. And then he spent the entire day Sunday with me. And gave me a huge hug (his hugs are fucking awesome, just fyi) and a kiss when he left. And said we should do this again. i don't know. i'm trying really hard to contain myself but i don't think i can. Shit i don't know what to do. Should i invite him over to watch movies or something? Or suggest we get food? Or should i just wait and see if he asks? i am at a complete loss. i don't know what the protocol is here. i've never been in this situation before! i've been in every other kind of situation with guys, but not one as...normal as this one. But i'm glad it's a normal one for once. Seriously, he lives like a mile away from me. How awesome is that?! Okay, i'm settled. i just needed to let my crazy out somewhere.

~*maria*~