i Wanna Get Used By You

i'm bored.

i had a dream the night before last. It was wonderful. It's dreams like that that make me never want to wake up again.

i think a few of my friends need to listen to this song and stop basing everything on sex. It won't lead anywhere.

Caught you looking at my reflection
This is not the way we procreate
Give me something else than affection
Swollen suffering fantasy of hate
You're a pretty face
You should like me
I wanna get used by you
Cause I'm full of hate
Just excite me
I wanna get bruised by you
The murder that marks you every day
The stain on your soul won't wash away
We spit on the cross just like we're trained
We scowl and screw away the pain

"But i'm up for it if you are handsome. Let's keep that morningstar burning."

You're a party boy
You should like me
I wanna get used by you
Cause I'm unemployed
Just to spite me
I wanna get bruised by you

When you burn in hell
They remind you
Of all the things you screwed up in your life
I'll be one of them
If you're inclined to
Turn away from the ever-glowing light

You're a pretty face
You should like me
(All I want is to see through you
If only you were alive I could trust you)
I wanna get used by you
Cause I'm full of hate
Just excite me
(But now alone in your bed we'll prove
you do not have to love to be in pain too)
I wanna get

You should lie with me
The truth is, you should lie with me
--The Truth Is, You Should Lie With Me

~*maria*~

i Give myself Three Days To Get Better

i am confuzzled. Dammit.

~*maria*~

Falling Fast

If they get together, i'm gonna punch them both in the face.

~*maria*~

No Way, No How

i don't really think i like him anymore. i haven't seen him in two weeks and i don't care if i see him ever again. It just sort of happened last night. Something reminded me of him and i didn't get that feeling anymore. And the more i think about him, the less i feel. Who knew college could make me forget about him? i've had a crush on him for a long time, over a year, and in an instant it was gone. Well, i guess it wasn't really an instant. i've known for a long time that nothing would ever come from it, and i guess that finally sunk in and became reality.

Concert tomorrow in Madison. i get Ian's Pizza beforehand. i think i'm more excited for the pizza. Ian's is ridiculously good and i haven't had it since October.

~*maria*~

If Only...

Coolest first date ever, you ask?

The Zoo.

Maybe someday i'll actually get to experience that.

~*maria*~

No Matter What i'll Always Be Your Man

It's makes me sick to think of what we put ourselves through just to have the illusion that we're not alone, even though we still are.

~*maria*~

Drunk John Makes me Cry

A week ago i came home from hanging out with friends in Watertown and John was drunk. We sat on the balcony and talked. He asked me if i liked Ichi, the guy i have a crush on (not his real name) and i said yeah. He told me to make a move. John said that Ichi doesn't have any other offers and he'd be stupid not to go out with me. John said that he thought we'd make a perfect couple. He said i was "Cortana incarnate." That was the best compliment i've ever gotten in my entire life.

~*maria*~

Where was i?

As i said in my last post, i had an old blog that i deleted for various reasons. But i needed my old friend back. This is a continuation of the last one so let's recap my life since i started blogging.

i started {No Lies, Just Love} on Thursday, December 29, 2005. Since then here's what's happened to me:

Dated Phil off and on. He completely destroyed me; it wasn't his fault. That's all there is to it.
Had a thing with Luca. Nothing came of it.
i struggled with being completely unwanted and alone.
i found new friends.
Still struggled with being unwanted.
i became a senior and had a pretty shitty year.
i graduated.
And now i am preparing to go to the Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design to get a degree in something that i don't think i'm good at and that i can't really make much money with. School starts in 10 days. i'm scared shitless.

That brings us up to date. To help further, here's the last post from my old blog:

Monday, June 02, 2008
Talentless

i'm not really good at anything. i don't have any real talents. Which is probably, to me, one of the most depressing things about myself. i started playing Rockband earlier thinking i was going to try to get better. But i can't do it. i just don't get better. Practice does absolutely nothing for me. It never has. i never got better in basketball. i never could successfully serve a volleyball overhanded. i haven't seen much improvement in my Halo skills, although they're better than when i first started. But i'm not one of those people who is naturally talented at anything. But all my friends seem to be naturally talented at everything and i hate it. i'm probably not even that good with a camera. i mean, seriously, how much talent do you have to have to point a camera at something and press a button. And people always say there's more to it than that, but no, there really isn't. There's supposed to be, but with the cameras people can get today, it's just that simple.

So what am i good at? Everyone's supposed to have a talent right? What's mine? i can lie. Does that count? i'm actually a pretty good and convincing liar if i want to be. i'm good at destroying moments and situations. i'm awesome at picking shitty guys. i'm probably the best out of anyone i've ever met at completely fucking everything up.

i can't write. i can't sing. i can't act. i can't be the best at anything. So what the hell am i supposed to do with my time? i don't even have a flipping hobby because i just get depressed when i try and i can't do it. It's how my entire life has gone.

i am the thing i hate the most in the world.

~*maria*~
Posted by Maria at 8:06 PM 0 comments

~*maria*~

Old Friend

i had an old blog and i thought i could do it, but i can't. i don't have anyone. And i need somewhere to vent about my guy problems.

~*maria*~