i'm A Robot

my mother called me this morning. She said i should find some friends outside of my computer. That pissed me off. It has been made perfectly clear to me over and over that no one understands my obsession with WoW and why i would much rather play that than be with people in real life, so everyone just needs to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. i don't care what you think. i enjoy spending my life in front of that stupid game so shut up. If i wanted to be with the people i know in real life, i would be. But right now i just want to sit here and restlessly switch between WoW and Halo. The next person who says something like that to me, gets a punch in the kidney. i'm just sick of it. It doesn't make me feel good.

~*maria*~

i Can Disappear Anytime i Want To

That's it. Some nice Thanksgiving morning Halo playing with him and i'm gone. i need to distance myself from him. This is killing me. So no more texting him, asking him to play with me, making the first move. He doesn't want me so i need to make it so i don't want him either anymore. Wish me luck. Good luck.

~*maria*~

Soccer

i had a dream about Ryan earlier. It was very sad. And it made me very sad.

~*maria*~

Your Girl

i'm not his kind of girl. His girls are skinny and pretty and good in bed. i'm none of those things.

i can't understand why this would happen? i've been through so much crap with guys. There's no way, if there's a God, he would let it seem as though Rob is just within reach only to be ripped away. i want him so bad.

i'll have to hear your giggles at some point this night...you have a pretty voice, it's nice to hear...because you're cute...you're awesome...you should take a lesson from your bear and get on all fours...pretty lady...i really just wanted to sneak away with you

~*maria*~

"You should talk more. You have a pretty voice. It's nice to hear."

This situation is killing me. i love playing WoW with him and playing halo and talking to him and texting each other constantly but it sucks at the same time. Whenever we're doing those things, i have to sit there and constantly remind myself that this amazing guy... ...will never be mine. That last phrase was so hard to type. It's so unfair. He actually likes me, and yet i can never be with him. It hurts so bad. Worse than any of the others ever did. It feels like someone is stomping on my heart.

Do you really want to go outside
It's so cold out there
Wouldn't you rather spend the night
I'll keep you warm
In here

Laying next to you
Your skin on my skin
Wouldn't you rather pretend
That this night doesn't have to end
And I
I'll take you home in the morning
I promise, I swear
In the morning
I'll take you home

And maybe you'll stay
And maybe you will stay
And maybe you'll stay with me

To wake up next to you
And watch you sleeping
Is all I want right now
Is all I want right now
And I know I can't keep you
And this night has to end
But if we just hold on to tonight
If we just never fall asleep
Maybe this won't end
Maybe this won't end
Maybe this night won't end

If we hold on to tonight
Then maybe this won't end
If we never fall asleep
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this night won't end
--Sherrie's Song, I Voted for Kodos

~*maria*~

i Love You Like Dora Loves Maps

He's making it very difficult to move on. Not that i really want to.

~*maria*~

Cool Points

i had a moment of clarity while i was making mocha sauce at work tonight. What am i expecting to happen? Will he really just all of a sudden one day tell me he's ready to give this a shot?

Be realistic here. That's never actually going to happen. He's not just going to wake up one day and realize i'm worth the hassle of the distance. What is much more likely is that we will continue in this almost-relationship stage until a better girl comes along and he starts dating her. And it will absolutely destroy me. i can't believe i let myself get so invested. i'm an idiot.

~*maria*~