Backtracking A Backtrack?

....Nevermind. He just did the same thing they all do. i love it. i fucking love my life so much right now. Oh my god, yes. i totally don't feel like jumping out my window into Lake Mendota right now.



i give up. Completely.

~*maria*~

Backtrack

It was when he told me about his car crash that i really realized how much i miss him. And when we went up to his room and we were just talking about things going on in our lives i realized how different we both are. And later in the night when he stopped kissing me, looked me in the eyes, and told me, "I really enjoy the time I spend with you," i realized what i gave up and what i would give to get it back.

i thought i was missing out. i thought there would be someone better out there. But i'm an idiot, i've proven that so many times already. No matter how much of a bitch i was to him, he never really got angry at me. He was one of the nicest guys i've ever met. i know we had our problems, our differences, but after going out and experiencing other men, i know finding a nice guy who actually wants to be with me is almost impossible. All the other guys turn out to be assholes every time. i just wasn't ready back then for the relationship i had. i didn't understand what i had. But i do now.

~*maria*~

Never, Not Ever Again

i wrote this during one of my classes yesterday:

"There's a new boy. He's really nice. His name is Jared. i don't feel a thing for him. i should feel something. At least feel i don't want to date him or i do. But i feel nothing. i haven't been feeling anything for anyone lately. When John came to town and we hung out with Phil and Rachel, i didn't feel that usual camaraderie (that word looks weird) i usually feel for John. And i didn't feel that friendship i usually do with Rachel. i felt nothing. What if Kyle broke me? After a parade of guys, it finally caught up with me. i just simply gave up last week. And then i felt empty. Usually i would've held on to him and fought for him. But instead i just gave up. It kind of sucks."

Jared and i went on a date tonight. He was going to take me to Great Dane, but it was packed. We ended up going to Noodles which is where Kyle took me on our first date. i know i can't associate places with people, especially Kyle. But - and i know everyone will say that i shouldn't have done this, that i'm just making myself suffer more - but the entire night i just kept thinking that he's not Kyle. i know i can't compare other guys to him. No one will live up to him. At least that's how it feels right now. i mean Kyle had his flaws, he wasn't perfect or anything. It just comes down to the fact that, right now, i don't want anyone else but him. And i know that will fade. But until then, everyone just needs to let me whine and pine and cry over him.

Oh, i guess i'll finish the story. After dinner, we just came back to my place, watched a couple episodes of Firefly, and then he started kissing me (not that great of a kisser, btw). And then i told him i couldn't do it. i felt like an absolute asshole. i told him i just got dumped by a guy i really liked and i was hoping this numb feeling would go away, but it hasn't and it wouldn't be fair not to mention i just don't think i could handle jumping into a new relationship right now. Then he left.

~*maria*~

"Everything excellent is as difficult as it is rare."

i went to an AHA (Atheists, Humanists, and Agnostics) meeting tonight. It was fun and i will be going to more. But Kyle's very involved in the group. He ran the meeting tonight. i was talking with him afterward. i was just going to say hi and then go home. But he asked when i wanted to hang out again.

i'm not sure that's a good idea.

i've been thinking about it for the past couple days, and i really don't think i should hang out with him for a while. i mean i really want to but i don't know if that's because i really actually want to be friends with him or because i still have feelings for him and i truly believe he made a mistake by letting me go. i really do believe that. If it's just that i really want to be friends with him, then eventually i should be able to hang out with him without feeling like crap. But if it's solely the other reason then i know how us hanging out this weekend will end: With me crying. And i'm kind of sick of that.

i know what my friends would say. They'd say not to. And i know they're probably right. But will i listen to them? i'm not sure yet.

i didn't give him an answer. i told him i'd let him know for sure later.

~*maria*~