Finals Revelation

i was studying for my final for my Kafka and the Kafkaesque class. i was reading through my notes. This class had interesting readings but the lectures were particularly boring. This being the case, as i read through my notes, there was more self-reflection and thinking than in any of my other notebooks for any other class. i thought i would share some of the more interesting things i've found (also, i'm totally just putting off more studying).

10/20/11
"I love the way you get completely speechless when I start touching you when all other times you talk so much. I love the way you talk and the way you listen when I talk. I love the way you laugh about things you're thinking about. I love how smart you are. I love that you listen to almost any type of music. I love the way you get all self-conscious after we have sex. I love the way you don't judge me and the way you kiss me when we just start to make out. I love the way you kiss my forehead or my nose every once in a while. Or the way you can tell something's wrong by how I'm breathing.
I love the way you led me on and destroyed me. Thanks.
(I wrote everything but the last sentence on Oct. 20, two days before he broke things off. This last sentence was added Oct. 25.)

11/3/11
"I can't decide if I believe in God or not. On one hand, I would like to believe so that I can think I'm not alone. To try to eliminate this constant feeling of loneliness I always feel. It would be nice to believe that all this shit I've been going through is worth it; to believe he has a plan for me. however, if I were to admit that there is a God, I would be inclined to believe that he just hates me."
(Written beside a drawing of the TARDIS.)

And now for some very entertaining quotes from my philosophy professors over the years, and some other things I found in my notes.

Intro to Philosophy, Fall '10
"Everyone who thinks bludgeoning me to death is a good idea, come on! I'm right here!"
"Bludgeon Chris, pizza party!"
"I'd be teaching up here naked."
"Can we talk about 4? 4 is sexy."
"Spirit and soul? This seems a little more sexy."
"I would take off my shirt and do chest hair, but that would be creepy."
"Determinism is really sexy."
"This guy is hardcore about the eraser"
"Oh my god, kiss me now."
"What-the-helling it."
(This next exchange was said by students in the class talking about a huge party on campus that the cops busted)
"I heard it took people an hour and a half to get from the front door of the house to the keg." "I don't know about that but it took me an hour and a half to get from the keg to the breathalyzer."

19th Century Philosophy, Spring '11
"I don't know if you've ever seen an infant, but I don't recommend looking at them."

Environmental Ethics, Spring '11
(The first quote was said by a student, the second immediately popped into my head [I hated this guy].)
"Sentient beings are beings capable of higher thought." "Wouldn't that exclude you?"
(And then I stumble upon a...story I guess is the correct word for it...a story I wrote during class that is much to saucy to write here.)

~*maria*~

Finally!

i went to the Rathskeller with AHA on Wednesday and made lots of new friends. i'm starting to feel very comfortable around them. This is what i needed. New people in my life. i love my old people, but new people are awesome. i finally had a good week.

~*maria*~

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."

Oh my God, shut up. i'm so sick of my whining all the time. So you're completely alone, have no friends, and no one will ever love you. So what? Grow some balls, little one. When you're down, read some Nietzsche. You'll feel better. Philosophy always makes you feel happy.

~*maria*~

The Things That Used To Mean So Much To Me Have Gone The Way Of Dinosaurs

i was supposed to go to Florida. It was all planned out. i was excited. It was finally something good. i was going to go and have an awesome time and be happy. i woke up to a text this morning from Rezi telling me it wasn't going to work out and i couldn't come anymore. i wasn't even surprised. It's kind of pathetic that i've come to completely expect everything that makes me happy, or has the potential to make me happy, to fall apart. Because if i were happy, if something good happened to me, the world would explode.

i'm so sick of crying myself to sleep. i wonder if my neighbors can hear me.

i don't even want to exist anymore.

i really can't remember anything good that happened to me in the last two months.

~*maria*~