Piercings And Kisses

i got my eyebrow pierced. It's tits. Eventually i'll do my lip too, but that'll hurt like a mother fucker so i'll probably wait a while. Maybe next year for my birthday.

i hate my dreams. So much. Every time i sleep i see him. And wonderful things happen. Thursday night he kissed me. And it was wonderful. Friday night he held my hand when i was sad. It was also wonderful. It's just so difficult to wake up after those dreams to this life where nothing goes right and shitty things keep happening. To go from being ridiculously happy to being ridiculously depressed in mere milliseconds as i realize it was only a dream kills me a little more every time.

As i was walking past MSOE this morning i decided that the next chance i get, i'm telling him. Then at least i can hear him say he doesn't want me and can forget about him.

~*maria*~

Happy Moments

He doesn't care. I know he doesn't. But that doesn't mean i can forget about him any easier. It's killing me. i can't...don't want to do this anymore. i don't even want to be around him anymore because after a few hours i become so depressed i almost start crying with everyone around. But i still want to see him all the time. i don't want to be here anymore. i hate college. i hate this apartment. i hate this city. i hate these people. i miss Madison. i miss driving around downtown when i was depressed. i miss the people and their crappy driving.

i drank a Vault tonight. Now i remember why i stopped. It reminds me of too many happy moments.

~*maria*~

Bleh!

College sucks. It's not that what we're doing is any harder, it's just that we don't get as much time to do it as in high school. It's annoying. i don't have any time to sort all this shit in my head out.

~*maria*~

The Walls Caved In Tonight

I'm caught
Somewhere in between
Alive
And living a dream.
No peace
Just clicking machines
In the quiet of compazine.
The walls caved in on me.

And she sings
My bird dressed in white.
And she stings
My arm in the night.
I lay still
Still I'm ready to fight.
Have my lungs
But you can't take my sight.
The walls caved in
Tonight.

And out here
I watch the sun circle the earth
The marrows collide in rebirth
In God's glory praise
The spirit calls out from the caves.
The walls fell and there I lay
Saved.

The walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
The doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me

Beat my body like a rag doll
you stuck the needles in my hip
Said 'we're not gonna lie
Son, you just might die
Get you on that morphine drip, drip'

The walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
The doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me

I fought a war to walk a gang plank
Into a life I left behind
Windows leading to the past
Think it's time I broke some glass
Get this history off my mind

And what if we were married forever?
Like the past never happened
And time did not exist for us at all
I still think we'd still be traveling together
Through all kinds of weather
Everything's a piece of everyone

As far as I can see
Walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
But I see these doors have keys

Walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me
There's no one here but me
No one here but me, yeah.
There's no one here but me
No one here but me.
--Caves, Jack's Mannequin

~*maria*~

At Night i've Got Nowhere To Hide

These hammers and strings
Been following me around
From a box filled garage
To the dark punk rock clubs
Of 1000 American towns
And my friend calls me up
She says, "how have you been?"
I say, "dear I've been well,
Yeah the money's coming
But I miss you like hell.
I still hear you in this
Old piano, oh yeah."
She says, "Andy, I know
That we don't talk as much
But I still hear your ghost
In these old punk rock clubs
Come on, write me a song
Give me something to trust
Just promise you won't let it be
Just the keys that you touch."

Give me something to believe in,
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby
A lullaby

These hammers and strings
Been following me around
Behind passenger vans
Through the snow, dirt, and sands
Of 1000 American towns
And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy.
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby,
A lullaby.

Give me something to believe in,
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just at night,
I've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I'll write you a lullaby
A lullaby, a lullaby, a lullaby.
--Hammers And Strings (A Lullaby), Jack's Mannequin

~*maria*~

Cold

"It started feeling like October."

It's cold outside.

"September never stayed this cold where I come from."

i believe i'm slowly dying.

"It's colder than it ought to be in March."

Please.

~*maria*~

--Annie, Use Your Telescope, Jack's Mannequin
--The Great Romances Of The 20th Century, Taking Back Sunday
--A Plain Morning, Dashboard Confessional

Out With Sartre And Camus

i'm still unsure. About pretty much everything in my life right now. It's making it very difficult to care about anything. That's bad.

~*maria*~

LHC

i'm still not sure about MIAD. But i guess that's normal right? Not everyone there can be 100% sure they want to be there, right?

On a much awesomer note, the human race is awesome. Scientists in Sweden flipped the switch to the "ON" position of the Large Hadron Collider today. Lots of people were terrified it would suck the world into a black hole or something. Obviously it hasn't yet. Yet. You should really read about this thing. It's amazing. It was built and collaborated on with over eight thousand physicists from over 85 countries as well as hundreds of universities and laboratories. And it's entire purpose is crazy. It's really interesting. Read about it. Also, for enjoyment, if you're ever wondering if the Large Hadron Collider has destroyed the world yet, this is the top website to visit.

~*maria*~

Dizzy In Despair

i told someone that i suck at drawing.

Then they asked me, "If you suck at drawing, why are you here?"

i didn't know.

i'm not good at any kind of art.

Even all the other photo majors can at least draw.

But i can't figure out what else to do with my life.

i don't belong anywhere.

And i feel so alone.

~*maria*~

Going Back On my Word

i was wrong. Oh my god, how wrong i was. i don't know what that sabbatical from my feelings was or what caused it. i guess i was just too focused on school and now that i know what i'm doing there, i have more time to focus on things i really don't want to. i was with him for two days straight. i slept mere feet from him and i still couldn't do what my brain was screaming at me to do. i still couldn't bring myself to stop being scared. my head was screaming, "JUST DO IT! There's nothing to be so scared of!" But i couldn't. But i wouldn't trade that birthday for anything.

~*maria*~

Sleeping

Fuck.I hate guys.

~*maria*~

Another Year

i'm another year older.

~*maria*~

Blogging About The 50's

i feel like i'm in high school again. i like it and i hate it. Obviously, MIAD is not my high school. And i love it there. But my guy problems are exactly the same. It's confusing me. FUCK!

~*maria*~