Let's Get It On

i had a good day. And i'm having a good night. It's probably just because i know tomorrow's the last day of school this week.

And the reason i'm having a good day you ask? This morning, in Writing, faux Moses played Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye. And he kept repeating that first snippet of guitar. Sexiest guitar part ever. Sexiest song ever. Every time i hear it, i feel i should be sitting with some guy in front of a fireplace on a fur rug. Or maybe that's where i wish i was. Hah. Sex on a fur rug doesn't sound too bad.

~*maria*~

Not For A Lack Of Trying

i'm not doing very well. We came over to Freddie's to not be bored, and now i just want to go home and be bored. i want to scream. i've said it so many times before, but i hate this place. More than anything. But no one gets it. John hates me because i'm sick of Halo 3 and want to play Halo the original one. It's not my fault i get bored of things we do over and over and over and over and over and over and over. i've always been like that. i can't play the same things for a very long time. And he keeps talking about whatshisface. i don't want to hear about him anymore. Then i think about him. And then i start to cry.

i miss my friends. i miss the people who were used to me having a short attention span and whose attention spans were as long as mine. i miss Rachel.

~*maria*~

Beautiful Burning Bridges

We were talking about where "Cortana incarnate" came from last night and John couldn't believe he called me that. Moses couldn't either. i guess the only thing Cortana and i have in common is that we're both chicks. Except not really, because she's not even a real human being.

i was pretty much an ass to Freddie last night so i don't really think he likes me too much right now. It's for the better. It'll be easier when i leave.

Every time i think about my life i feel completely hopeless. And every time i think about him, i feel like someone is tearing my heart into little pieces. i wouldn't be sad if i never saw or talked to anyone here ever again. There's nothing keeping me here. i just want to leave.

~*maria*~

Let Down

Freddie disappointed me. i wanted to see that movie and he said we were definitely going. And i saw Mark, and watched a movie with him. It made me sad.

On a better note, i love Blythe. She's a new friend from MIAD. She's amazing. Her and i think a lot alike and she's a lot of fun.

~*maria*~

Snow

i don't care if i'm single for the rest of my life. i mean that would suck a lot, but i've already prepared myself for it. The thing i'm terrified of is being the only single person in my group of friends. A friend from MIAD, who's my age, just got engaged to her boyfriend of three years. i can't even comprehend being with someone that long. Why didn't she get bored? i would have. How did they not start annoying the hell out of each other? i guess i just don't understand it.

~*maria*~

Just, Please, Don't Leave Me Guessing

Oh man, what a weekend. It sucked.

Friday I was really excited because Manda, Mandy, and i were going to Alex's for the weekend. At 3, i met them in Johnson Creek and i hopped in Manda's car and we were off. We got to Poynette and Manda let me take over driving because she can't see very well at night. So we're going and we get to about a mile before Oakdale and the charge battery and temperature lights came on and the steering starts locking up. So i pull off on the Oakdale exit and it stops working at the top of the ramp. Mandy and i get out and push it to a gas station/Subway. We open it up, and turns out a belt was shredded and needed to be replaced. This happened at about 5. So Mandy and i went into Subway and were deciding what we wanted to eat when the employee, Larry, started hitting on us. He said we both had beautiful smiles and we were lovely ladies. Fucking creep. While this is happening, Manda's outside talking to some guy who was going to fix the car, but he had to run back to his shop to get the right belt. So Mandy and i get food and we start eating and Manda comes in but she wasn't hungry. While we were eating Lare Bear (Larry) came over and talked to us the entire time. He insulted Madison a lot. That pissed me off. i love Madison. And he's from fucking Oakdale! No one even knows where the fuck that is!

Anyway. After we finished eating we went into the smoking room and were sitting, smoking, and fooling around while we waited for the guy to come back with the belt. In comes Lare Bear and starts talking to us again. He even smoked some of our cigarettes. WTF. Manda eventually went back out to meet the guy with the belt. So Lare Bear is in there with Mandy and i talking about all sorts of stuff that you don't talk about with people you just met. Especially if they're your fucking customers. He was saying we were wild and that we needed someone to tame us. Mandy said she had a boyfriend and that i didn't. For some reason Lare Bear brought transvestites up in the conversation and i said i didn't mind them. He then said i was one of those freaks who would try anything once. i told him i'm open to new things but that doesn't mean i'm a freak. He was really starting to piss me off. What the hell possesses someone to call another person a freak when you don't know anything about them?! Then. He called me a "freak in the sheets." What. The. Fuck. i don't really remember much about that part of the conversation. i was more focused on not punching him than listening.

Then he started saying how fucked up his life was and how his ex-wife was a bitch and that he had aggression issues. At this point, i just started making shit up. i told him i was an orphan, born in Australia, and some couple over here adopted me. And that i spent a long time in a mental hospital. At first when i said i was an orphan, Mandy laughed really hard. Finally, very shortly after that, Manda came back in and said we could go. Thank god. As we were getting our shit together, Lare Bear said this: "I'm really glad I got to know you lovely ladies, especially you (he looks at me). If I thought you weren't going to tell me to go to hell, I'd ask for your number." Oh. My. God. Stab me in the face. i thought i was going to throw up. i laughed at him and said i don't give my number to anyone. Ever.

So we got the fuck out of there. Everything seemed to be going well. We went over the Mississippi and Manda told me i should bang Freddie. That was a weird conversation.

At LaCrosse, we had a quarter of a tank of gas left. i figured we could stop when we got over the Mississippi. Apparently, for like 30 miles past the Mississippi, there aren't any gas stations. Fucking Minnesota. We kept getting off on every exit and there was nothing. Eventually we saw a sign for a BP... ...ten miles away. Great thanks. i knew we weren't going to make it, but we tried anyway. At mile marker 237, the car died. For the second time in the night, but of course for a different reason. We sat there for a little bit and wondered what to do. Mandy told us we needed to call the police, but of course we had no clue what the phone number was and we didn't want to call 911 since it wasn't really an emergency. So i called Freddie and had him look up the number. After he did that for us, Mandy called them and told them where we were and they said they'd send a state trooper to bring us some gas. After that, Manda went outside and peed. We gaurded her. They said it would take 15-20 minutes, so Manda and i broke out some cigarettes and Manday smoked half a cigar, then dropped it and almost set the car on fire. She's not allowed to smoke in there anymore.

Finally, the guy showed up. It was a 5' 3" tow truck driver who looked like a fucking lawn gnome. He was a real dick too. He asked us how we ran out of gas. Uh, duh, we drove and Minnesota doesn't believe in gas stations. So he gave us a gallon or two and then lead us to a gas station. Then he charged us $50. Bastard. Lawn gnomes are flippin' evil. We got gas, paid the guy, and were finally on our way again. Only about an hour and a half away from Alex. We rocked out the rest of the way there thanks to Mandy's awesome DJ'ing. Finally, after an 8.5 hour trip that should have only taken 6 hours, we saw Mankato rise over the horizon like heaven. It was beautiful. We went to Stacey's and immediately told Alex the entire story. Then we started drinking.

We played some drinking games, which i wasn't too terrible at. And we all got a little drunk. Or not so little drunk. Maybe like a lot drunk. Although, i didn't get that drunk. i fell asleep before everyone else because alcohol makes me really tired and dizzy. Everyone loves me when i'm drunk, apparently. Supposedly, i'm ridiculously fun and extroverted when i'm drunk. Which makes sense.

Saturday, i woke up and took a shower after Mandy. Then we woke Manda up and went to lunch with Craig. Who still ceases to amaze me by the way. i applaud Alex. Craig is quite the catch. He makes me want to be a gay man. Anyway. We went back to Alex's dorm and Manda took a nap because she felt like shit. Mandy, Alex, and i played air hockey, went bowling, and then played some ping pong. We went back to his dorm and played Pervertopoly with Manda. Alex and i tied. We went to dinner with Stacey and then Mandy, Manda, and i left for home.

i was driving again, which was awesome. i love driving. Now comes the part that ruined the entire fucking trip. Manda's car blew a fuse and all the dashboard lights went out. But we could keep driving so i told her that it blew a fuse but i was going to turn the interior lights on so i can see the speedometer and keep driving. She told me to pull over. i told her that we knew exactly what was wrong and there was nothing we could do about it in the middle of Minnesota so we should just keep driving. She made me pull into a Dairy Queen parking lot because she "just wanted to look at it." i kept telling her there was nothing to do about it, but she wouldn't listen. So she popped the hood, which isn't even where the fuses are and called her mom. Her mom was being a bitch so they got in a major bitchfest and started screaming at each other. Mandy and i sat in her car, pissed off, and freezing. She came back to the car and said there was nothing we could do and started driving again. That was it for me. i got so pissed off because if she would've just listened to me, we would be in Wisconsin closer to home. i just curled up in the backseat and went to sleep. i rid myself of her and her problems.

They dropped me off in Madison, and i told John the epic tale on our way to our house in Middleton. There i cuddled with Captain Marvel and Nala, watched half of Casino Royale, and then slept. i figured the next day i'd see Quantum of Solace with Freddie and everything would be great. Hah! The minute something works out in my life, i'm going to shit myself.

The next day came. i texted Freddie and he said he was at Mark's watching the Packers game. First off. Football? Really? You're going to waste your time with football and Mark instead of seeing an awesome movie with me? What a vagina. And he said Mark wants to see it too so i was like let's go. He said they wanted to postpone it. Then he said there was talk of playing Halo at his house. 1) i am so fucking sick of playing Halo. It's all we ever do. What happened to playing Diablo and Warcraft III?! 2) My box is broken and Mark had to study for tests because he's never heard of time management so we'd have four people on one box. i can't do that. My eyes and brain can't handle four people on one screen, even Freddie's giant one. So we didn't do anything and i got really depressed because i was really looking forward to seeing the movie. And i was looking forward to seeing Mark because after the weekend i had just had, i needed someone to make me smile. Except he's the entire reason i went to Minnesota and i told myself i wasn't going to see him after this weekend.

So that's my epic tale. The Minnesota Tale. And now the only thing i want to do is crawl in my bed and never, ever, ever get up. But of course i have school. School that i fucking hate more than anything. My life is so screwed up right now, it's not even funny.

~*maria*~

i Always Heard That What Is Done Is Done

i just made myself almost cry. i'm so pathetic. i'm in a better mood today than i have been. i finally talked to someone about this whole Mark thing last night. It was nice. i never really talk about anything with people. They don't really care. i wish i was one of those people who could instantly forget about him. But Jordan was right, it shows it's not just an infatuation. Especially because it's coming up on two years i've liked him. God, i'm so fucking pathetic.

~*maria*~

El Cielo es azul | Just don't go telling everyone

i've been trying, the past few nights, to see him. i'm not sure how well it will work, but this weekend i'm going up to Minnesota again, and when i get back, i'm going to try not to see him anymore. At least for a while. It's the only way. It sucks, but it's true.

i have found a beautiful, amazing song.

Saw an eagle on a pole
I think it was an eagle
Watched its shadow fly across the cement
I woke up in the snow
All the trees were crowds of people
No coat, no shoes, no idea where they went

I followed the fence line thin
Back where the yard begins
My woman, she stood crying like a man
Said, "Where have you been
Where have you been?"
I thought you said that all of that was done
El cielo es azul
Just don't go telling everyone

Thought the kettle was a train
Thought that Monday was a door frame
I tried so hard to finally settle down
Heard the fire pop and snap
Like a tack piano rag
I never could get used to happy sounds

But I hope the world's exposed
A cruel and elaborate hoax
That convinces me to walk without a cane
But what can you do
What can you do
I always heard that what is done is done
El cielo es azul
Just don't go telling everyone

The past don't ever quit
There's boxes in the attic
Baby shoes and taxidermy dreams
While the ashes of the dead, like a dandelion head
Explode and then are scattered by the breeze
And it's such a long way back to all the fun I had
When nothing ever seemed to bother me
But what can you do
Child, what can you do
Sleep beneath the stars, and toil in the sun

El cielo es azul
Just don't go telling everyone
El cielo es azul
Just don't go telling everyone
-- Eagle On A Pole, Conor Oberst

~*maria*~

Decisions

i've decided. No one's worth this. Ever. i can't stay here. i am slowly killing myself. So unless my experience at MIAD changes drastically next year, i'm going to Mankato. i can get away from him and no one will even notice i'm gone. i kind of just want to go now. i hope i'm not making a mistake. But after this weekend, it feels completely right. i just can't do this anymore.

~*maria*~

Plans

A while ago he was talking about taking a job in Chicago. He didn't. But he also said he had plans for his life. i've found myself hoping those plans involve him leaving. Then i would have absolutely nothing keeping me here and i could leave. It's not like i'm just staying here because of him, that would be fucking retarded. If i knew for a fact i wouldn't miss him, i'd have left already. The shitty thing is that there is absolutely nothing else keeping me here. i wouldn't miss any of these other people. i wouldn't miss this place. i hate this place. And i'm completely sure that no one here would miss me, so why am i still here? If i were to sever all ties with him, it would have to be covert. i couldn't just ignore him like i have with the other guys. i'd have to move somewhere far from here. There wouldn't be any other way of doing it because if i am going to sever ties with him without moving, i'd have to sever pretty much all ties with all my other friends out here. i couldn't play Halo with them anymore for a long time so i wouldn't see Moses and on usual occasions, whenever i'm with Freddie, he's there too. Other than them, i don't really have any close friends out here that i see on a regular basis. But if i went to Minnesota, i would actually be with people i care about and who care about me. That's something i haven't had in a long time. The bottom line is that i'm tired of spending nights alone and crying in my apartment while everyone else is out having fun. All of this is so fucked up. i have never been this unhappy in all my life.

The kitchen is cold
But the coffee is warm
The sun is coming up
The day has just begun
And you are already bored

You're bored of cheering me up
Bored of calming me down
Bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one

You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall
In the dark of the hall
That I'm still fumbling for

Because I'm lost in the black
I don't know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front
And I'm calling your name just as loud as I can

And I know there's words that we will never speak
And the questions can't be answered easily
But I want it to be easy

So nod you head if the plans have changed
Shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just, please
Don't leave me guessing

So you made me come
Then you sent me away
Like a messenger bird
So I circled the earth
Blown away in the wind
But I always returned

With some new little song
Some sad story to tell
Of a brief love affair
With a girl I compared to you
And she failed

You said you don't want me to beg
Then said "Get down on your knees,"
'Cause you knew that I would
If I'd do any good
Satisfying your needs

And I know all about those things we cannot speak
And just so you know, well
They don't bother me
So you don't have to be worried

Just nod your head if the plans have changed
Shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just, please
Don't keep me waiting

Just nod your head if your mind's been changed
Shake it, love, if some hope remains
Just say the word and of course I'll stay
Roll you eyes and I'll go away
Just, please
Don't leave me guessing
Just, please
Don't keep me waiting
--Messenger Bird's Song, Bright Eyes

~*maria*~

Going Home

i'm back, my old friend. i hate this place. Every time i look out my window and see downtown, i feel like throwing up. i hate Milwaukee, and i can't stand being here anymore.

i really just want to go home and play Halo. That's what i did all weekend and it was wonderful. i'm really tempted to leave, but i've already missed so much of my next class.

~*maria*~

Why Can't We Give Love One More Chance

i have a soft spot for Freddie Mercury. His voice is amazing, and we have the same birthday. And he was gay. i wish he wasn't dead. And then there's David Bowie, whose voice is also amazing. This is one of the best collaborations ever seen in music history.

Pressure, pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure, that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming `Let me out'
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people, people on streets

Chipping around, kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours
People on streets, people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about,
Watching some good friends
Screaming `Let me out'
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people, people on streets

Turned away from it all, like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn
Why why why?
Love love love love

Insanity laughs, under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love one more chance
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love

Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance

This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure
--Under Pressure, David Bowie & Queen

~*maria*~