Saved Crusader

i still hate his wife.

~*maria*~

Break Glass In Case of Emergency

Where do i begin? The person that this post is for most likely does not read this anymore. So what's the point of writing it? There really isn't one except to VENT. WHICH IS WHAT I DO HERE. Hi. Welcome to the internet. You really shouldn't believe everything you read on it. Cats really can't be hovercrafts (link) and not all Nigerian Princes want to give you tons of money if only you'd send them tons first.

Anyway. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Nor shall i get hostile because that never solves anything. Being angry never solves anything. Not talking to the person who pissed you off in the first place never solves anything.

i'm disappointed that you couldn't just come to me and talk about what i did to make you angry. Instead you went to someone who didn't have to get dragged into this stupid problem in the first place, and that's just unfair to her. She has better things to focus on than a problem that could have been resolved before any of this had to be said.

Now. One thing i had thought most people who have been friends with me for more than five minute understood is that i go through times, usually lasting a few days, sometimes longer, where i need to be by myself and if i'm not i get very annoyed with whoever i am with. No matter who it is. And i knew i shouldn't have gone with you three that night, but i hate it when people cancel last minute and i didn't want to do that to you guys. But i knew right away i should have just stayed home. So, yes, i became annoyed very quickly. And the funny thing about this situation is that you were not the one annoying me. Lucas being overemotional about sitting in the smoking section annoyed me and Drunk Manda wanting to touch all the actors at the haunted house annoyed me. But not you. Yet you are the one angry with me.

But you need to understand that my blog is a place for me to vent. A place for me to release whatever is bothering me to a non-involved party. i can get it off my chest and release it into the vast wasteland that is the internet and i never have to think about it again. i hardly ever mean what i say. It's just heat of the moment words. If i didn't write them in my blog, they would come out of my mouth. That's just how i do things. And thank God Manda understands that otherwise she would have stopped being friends with me a long ass time ago.

Another thing i would like to discuss is that you won't come to the party that Manda took months convincing you and that other guy to come to all because you are overreacting to something i wrote. i mean, come on, Lucas is a very emotional person and sometimes he is a little over emotional. And it was just getting on my nerves that night.

i feel bad. Not for writing in my blog or what i wrote, i feel bad for all the people who are going to be sad you are letting something like this get in the way of seeing people who thought they were friends with you. The thing is, i don't even know how much you really want to be friends with us anymore. It's not like you make that much of an effort. That especially comes out if you're willing to let something this absolutely stupid get in the way of friendship. Not with me but with Manda and Joe.

Joe was happy you were going to come. Everytime i tell him you're coming to a party he always responds with, "No she's not. She won't come." And every single time, he's right. And i guess this time he will be right again, and i feel bad that it was my fault that he was right this time.

i would just call you and tell you all this over the phone but you never answer your phone even if you aren't angry with the person who is calling, so i can't imagine you would answer for me now. Which, again, just brings me back to the fact that i am severly disappointed at this situation. i am disappointed that you couldn't be mature, couldn't be an adult and just come to me with your issue. You won't like this, but i have to say it, i feel like i'm back in high school. Hell, i feel like i'm back in grade school. So maybe, like high school or grade school, if i leave you alone for a couple of weeks, we'll start being friends again like nothing happened.

Although, we weren't really friends before this. We never talk anymore. i never see you anymore. i used to try to make an effort and hang out with you but you either never responded or always cancelled last minute. So, over time, i gave up.

This also saddens me. You aren't really the friend to anyone like you used to be. i guess i never really knew you much, but i feel bad for Manda. It doesn't really seem like you two are as you used to be.

i guess i should wrap this up. No one likes long blog posts. So i guess i'm trying to say i wish you would just talk to me about this. But i don't expect you to. It's not how you do. So, in case you never want to talk to me again, i hope you have a good life. i hope you get to be happy.

~*maria*~

Friends

i'm tired of being friends with the people i am. There are two people i can stand for more than five minutes, but there are times when i can't. But that's my fault. i get annoyed with people when i'm depressed. i went out with Manda, Mandy, and Lucas last night to a haunted house. i thought it would be fun, but it was not. Manda was drunk and acting like an idiot and Lucas was his over-emotional self. i really don't like him most of the time. All of the time.

So i'm going into hermit mode. i'm done with hanging out with people for a while. i just can't stand it anymore. i don't want to be around cheaters and drunks and assholes anymore. It's now that i wish i was back in Milwaukee, only because then i could hang out with Moses and John more. i miss them.

my mom spent the night crying again. i can't wait to get out of this house. i can't take it anymore. i know being depressed is tough, but, look, i'm living just fine with it. Sort of. i can at least function.

~*maria*~

The Devil's Dance Floor

i was standing there, minding my own business, listening to the conversations happening around me.
"When are we leaving?" John asked Moses.
"Why? Do you want to leave?" Moses replied.
"No. But that one is bored and would like to go." John pointed at me.
The entire group turned to look at me.
i put my hands up and said that i didn't care. i added that i was bored because i wasn't doing anything.
That's when he grabbed my hand, and i knew he wanted to dance. He handed his glass of Monkey Bay white wine to Moses and i handed the coat i was holding to John. While still holding my hand, he led me to the dance floor, put his hand on my waist and i slipped my hand to his shoulder.
i briefly said i didn't know how to dance. He said that was alright and that he wasn't very good. i found that hard to believe. i'm sure he has danced with many girls.
He said he didn't even know me but recognized me. i told him who i was. i told him i knew his brother. The rest of the dance we talked about World of Warcraft.

i find it odd that the first dance i ever had was at age 19, and it wasn't with a man i was good friends with or dating. It was with a man i had talked to maybe once in my entire life. It was awesome.
But it made me sad. It made me realize the little things i would love for Joe to do that he doesn't, that isn't in his nature to do. i hardly know Kaleb, and yet just by simply taking my hand without warning, he struck me as the type of man i would love to be with. Romantic, caring, spontaneous.
The rest of the night was spent thinking about Joe and how i don't think he can ever be like that. i need a guy who will buy me little gifts for no reason. Of course, a guy who buys me gifts for a big reason, like my birthday, would be a great place to start.

The problem is, later in the night, John, Moses, and Adriane all said that out of all the guys i've been with, they like Joe the best. And they don't even know him that well. So i'm scared that if i were no longer with Joe, any man i introduced to them they wouldn't like. And i know ultimately it's my choice, but i want my brothers to like him.

It boils down to the fact that i was shown another reason why i don't truly believe i will be with Joe for a long time.

~*maria*~

No Wonder

No wonder i got into MIAD. Read this. i can be very inspirational when i want to be. i wonder where all this passion went?

2. Describe why you would like to attend MIAD and what you hope to gain from a MIAD education.

I would like to attend MIAD because one of my greatest passions is photography and I believe that MIAD has the tools to teach me everything I could ever want to know about the field. Up until recently, my goal for college was to go to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I grew up around it and ever since I can remember, I have wanted to go there. However, when I picked up photography about a year ago, that plan was no longer the one I wanted to follow. After taking a few shots of random things, I discovered that this is something I greatly enjoy. I love taking a picture and capturing the feeling of the moment or capturing the world, unadulterated.

What I would love to do with my photography, is fuse it with my other great passion: music. I would like to work at a concert venue and take photos of concerts, or work for a music magazine like AP. However, the greatest thing I could ever do with photography is capture the real world. I believe the news media is showing the world with a bias. They show what they want and not what the people need to know. I would like to go to foreign places, or even down the street in our own neighborhood, and show people that the world is a wonderful but also horrible place. I want to show them every emotion possible. I want to capture people bonding together in times of trouble, or countries falling apart in turmoil. Most of all, I would just like to make a difference, however big or small it may be. I believe the people at MIAD can teach me how to follow my dreams in the best possible way.

Brother

The Suffering Frame

I walk into her room, and she is crying. "I don't know what to tell you," I say.

"I think that maybe it's just bad luck. We could have been born rich, and thin, and powerful. We could have been worth their time."

She nods, acknowledging that we're on the same page.

"I can't decide. I can't decide whether I'd rather have never met her, or whether the pain was worth the happiness. I mean, it's more pain than I've ever felt, but...I was happy."

I've been saying that "more pain than I've ever felt" thing a lot recently. I'm beginning to bore myself.

"So I don't know what to tell you. I don't know whether it's better to have never had it, or to have had it and lost it. I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and, if you look at it philosophically, it doesn't make sense. The pain is unavoidable. Either somebody gets dumped or somebody dies, there's no way out..."

"...but it's not just the ending, it's the whole concept. It's giving such a huge part of yourself to someone whose intentions you can never truly know; sacrificing so much of your freedom of choice for a few moments, or months, or years of pleasure."

These are words I've said before, a million times in my head, before Emily and after. I pause, let it go quiet. It's not even awkward.

"I want to blog this," I say. "Is there anything you want to say? Is there anything you want me to tell them?"

"It's retarded," she whispers.

{~><~}
My sister is in love, and alone. I am also in love. I am also alone. --Pauer
{~><~}
"Pain hardens, and great pain hardens greatly, whatever the comforters say. And suffering does not ennoble, though it may occasionaly lend a certain rigid dignity of manner to the suffering frame." --Antonia S. Byatt

Hailey

Hailey Mae Schilling was only a baby. Miriam and Eric's baby. She passed away.

~*maria*~

If There's A Ship That Sails Tonight, I'll Captain That Too Just To Be There With You

i have, quite foolishly, thought i was in love before. But i wasn't. However, i have never had a guy make me feel like Joe does. i'm not nervous around him. i can be myself without any pressure. He makes me feel beautiful (and tells me that i am all the time). It's terrifying knowing how much i've invested in him. But i'm excited to see where this goes. It's been seven months. i hope there are a lot more coming.

~*maria*~

I Could Have Danced On The Sun But My World Came Undone

i'm a confuzzled panda. i can't just be content with him? my mind has to make things as complicated as possible. So annoying. Scheisse.

~*maria*~

Such A Cutie

Uh oh. i'm in trouble.

~*maria*~

In Memory of Zach Moyle (April 7, 1990 - May 17, 2009) and Ryan Zweifel (May 14, 1990 - May 18, 2009)

We went on Facebook and saw a lot of statuses saying "RIP Zach and Ryan," and "Praying for the Moyle and Zweifel Families," and other such words. i got scared. Joe asked Matt what happened. Matt called him. On Sunday afternoon, Zach and Ryan were in the car driving from a cabin to the resort they were going to work at. Zach was driving. They were going down a hill with an s-curve at the bottom of it. They gained speed down the hill. They got around the first part of the curve fine, but on the second part they hit loose gravel. The car tipped on its side and slid into the woods. A tree took off the entire top of it. Zach died on the scene. Ryan was medflighted to the hostpital and was on life support with severe head trauma. He stopped responding early Monday morning. His parents pulled the plug and donated his organs, saving five other people. The funeral is on Saturday. i cried when i heard about it on Sunday. Then i cried again at work today. It's not fair. They were amazing people.

~*maria*~

i hate him sometimes? Is that a bad thing?

~*maria*~

Overwhelmed

Joe told me today what this big surprise is that he's been telling me about for a couple days. He's thinking about buying an old car of a friend's and trying to fix it for me. So that i don't need to save up a bunch of money for a car because with the job i have, that's not going to happen. When i heard that, i started crying. Sometimes everything that's happening in my life catches up with me and i need to let it out. my mom has cancer, she got kicked out of her apartment, i'm broke, and even though i'm extremely grateful Joe is trying, the car thing probably isn't going to work out. i was happy he cared that much about me. But it's one of those things that i will be extremely sad and disappointed if it doesn't work out. But i'm not really expecting it to.

~*maria*~

Second

i was second to another girl tonight. A girl he has a history with. What kind of conclusion would any other girl jump to? The same one as i did. Unfortunately, i wouldn't really be surprised if it turns out to be true. Being with him makes me believe all the more that i am bound to be alone for the rest of my life.

Today is our two month anniversary. We may not see three.

~*maria*~

M&M'S

i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.

~*maria*~

Alone

He said he wanted Saturday night for some time for himself. i didn't know if he was kidding or not but i didn't even bother asking if i could come over. Whether he was joking or not, he spent the night with another girl. They're friends. And i know i shouldn't be, but i'm a little jealous. i don't think he and i should be together. i don't really think i should be with anyone.

~*maria*~

WTF

What's the point? i'm not really any happier now than i was before we were going out. i need from a guy than even this one has to offer me, and that's a lot. There isn't a guy out there that can really be there for me all the times i really need him. i kind of think i'm better off alone because then no one's letting me down.

~*maria*~

St. Paddy's Day

Holy crap. Last night was awesome. i wasn't really looking forward to work, but when i got in there Chad said i should help him design and set up the "rave wall." I got to dress a mannequin and it looked awesome. It took us like three hours just to make it. It was pretty cool. We blew through closing really quick and we were out of there by 9:30. i went home, put on my new Dropkick Murphys shirt, which is my new favorite shirt. It's so comfy and i look hot in it. i started on my way to Whitewater where i was meeting Joe. I got there about 45 minutes later, went downstairs, and there were a ridiculous amount of people down there. Joe wasn't down there. i went outside and found him. i was so happy to see him. i got to actually meet Eric Schilling, who's an actually pretty cool guy. And he thinks i'm pretty cool too. There were people puking outside and everything. Everyone except a few people were drunk. It was ridiculous. Meinel came outside, wasted, and tackled Brett. It was funny. He's very violent when he's drunk. He saw me and got really excited, came over, hugged me, asked me to have sex with him, and then bit me on the neck. It was awesome. Meinel's so cute. Joe and i sat around for a couple hours and then i drove us back to his house. We watched a couple movies and then went to bed. i love St. Patrick's Day.

~*maria*~

"i'm An Idiot"

That morning of October 4 when i failed miserably with Mark, i sent Rachel a text that said, "I'm an idiot." i've saved it ever since and everytime i do something stupid i think of that text. It's true. i'm an idiot.

~*maria*~

Bruised

i'm getting really depressed again and i don't know why. i don't really have a reason to be depressed. my life is going relatively well. i've got a boyfriend who cares about me and treats me well most of the time, i've got good friends, i'm back in madison, i've got a pretty good job. So what the hell's the problem? i have no clue, but here i sit, crying. Fuck.

~*maria*~

*Sigh*

Blargh. i get paid this Friday but that means i don't have any money to go to Flogging Molly with Joe tomorrow. i'm sad. i wanted to go. And i also don't get to go to MSI on Friday because of a stupid Twilight party at Hot Topic i have to work during. It's okay. MSI will come back eventually and Joe will have more fun tomorrow without me.

i miss Joe. A lot.

~*maria*~

Jobs & Friends

i have two jobs. One at Hot Topic for only 10-15 hours a week and one at Target for 20-25 hours a week. i'm thinking that after i get enough money to buy a car i might quit Target and only work at Hot Topic. i'm excited to start. A little nervous, but i'm pretty sure i can handle this. i just won't get to see Joe as much as i have been lately. But we'll survive.

~*maria*~

Condoms & Showers

i've been so happy lately. Joe and i are doing great. He's been so sweet. i have a job interview at Hot Topic tomorrow and one at Target on Wednesday. i really hope i get the job at Hot Topic. That would be a lot of fun.

~*maria*~

Breakfast

We were talking about marriage. i said,

"i'm just worried we'll run out of things to say at breakfast."

So he said,

"Good thing neither of us eat breakfast."

i think i love that silly kid.

~*maria*~

i Hate Reel Big Fish

Holy crap. So much has happened since the last time i posted. Friday (01/30) i officially withdrew from MIAD. It was one of the best decisions i've ever made. i'm so much happier. Then Manda and i went to Guke's and we partied with Steve and Will. And the next day Manda left without me, Joe drove me back to my apartment, i picked up some clothes, and went back to Joe's, where i stayed until this afternoon. It was an amazing week. Joe and i are officially dating now. Pretty awesome. i'm going to move back to Madison soon. i applied to UW-Madison and University of Minnesota-Mankato. i feel really good right now. About everything. Damn i'm happy.

~*maria*~

Oh Can't You See You Belong To me

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep on crying baby, baby please

Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Every move you make
Every step you take

I'll be watching you
--Every Breath You Take, The Police

~*maria*~

i'm Still Frustrated From Last Night

Last night was a lot of fun. We went to Guke's and hung out. He keeps it really cold there, which i enjoyed. He got ridiculously drunk, which served to be fun when we were cuddling and trying to sleep. This morning i really wished i still had a car. i didn't want to leave. But Manda and Mandy had things to do. But i'll see him again soon. i accidentally left a bunch of stuff there. Meow.

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course
Like the last time that I committed suicide, social suicide
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I've learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, because I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
(In this department)

Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Because I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my the forget-me-nots and marigolds
And all the things that don't get old
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself around other peoples' descriptions of life
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless
(In this department)

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time I'm feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That’s no shocking and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.

God damn the liquor stores' closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)
--LG FUAD, Motion City Soundtrack

~*maria*~

Love Grows In Me Like A Tumor

Fuck? A few weeks ago, Manda told me i should date Guke. At first i was like, "No way. i could never date Guke." But as the weeks went by and i saw Mark a couple more times, i kept thinking about it. As i continue to think about it and talk to him all the time and cuddle with him, if he asked me out, i'd say yes. i'd definitely be nervous about saying yes because i still have feelings for Mark and i'd be afraid that would get in the way. But i can't be hung up on him anymore. We'll never be together, i need to move on.

Plus, Guke is an amazing cuddler. i could just lay in his arms all day.

~*maria*~

If We Weren't Such Good Friends...

Shit. This situation is bad. i don't know what to do.

Love grows in me like a tumor
Parasite bent on devouring its host
I'm developing my sense of humor
Till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth
Till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet

Skillet on the stove
It's such a temptation
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burnt
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer
I've got more give than a bale of hay
And there's always a big mess left over
With the "What did you do?"
And the "What did you say?"
"What did you do?" and the "What did you say?"

Skillet on the stove
It's such a temptation
Maybe I'll be the special one that doesn't get burnt
What the fuck was I thinking?

What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon
Opens the wounds, then fills them with lead
And I'm having some trouble just breathing
If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead

Skillet on the stove
It's such a temptation
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burnt
What the fuck was I thinking?

What the fuck was I thinking?

Love is so embarrassing
I'm this awkward and uncomfortable thing
I'm running out of places to hide it
I'm running out of places to hide it
What the fuck was I thinking?

(You know that I've got what you want)
What the fuck was I thinking?
--Fuck Was I, Jenny Owen Youngs

~*maria*~

Headlights

i saw the car coming a little ahead of me. i looked at the traffic light and saw it was red. i looked to the right and the headlights were a foot from me. i took a deep breath. Then, for a few seconds, i saw and heard nothing. i spun a full 180. And ended up facing the wrong way on the one way street. For a split second before the hit, i thought i might die. When i realized i was alive and relatively okay, i started crying. i just kept thinking, "i'm sorry" over and over again. i muttered "fuck" under my breath as i pulled the car to the side of the road. i realized my glasses weren't in front of my eyes anymore but on the other side of the car, splattered with energy drink.

As i tried to sleep that night a few hours later, all i kept seeing were the headlights coming towards me. What had me so distracted that i didn't even realize where i was until it was too late? i'll give you three guesses, but it won't take that many.

~*maria*~

And If You Do Not Want To See me Again, I Would Understand

Jonny Depp has an amazing voice.

i've been busy except i haven't really done anything.

i fooled myself into thinking you actually had a reason for coming with me that night. i wished and wished. But we sat in silence.

i'm so sick of this. The night before the Halo party i didn't feel anything for him, but when i thought about not liking him anymore, it made me sad. Then i walked in and saw him and his brother and i started to regret ever telling him again. i still do. That was so retarded of me. Why the hell did i do that?!

And then there's Guke.

~*maria*~

Pathetic New Year

New Year's Eve has always been my favorite holiday. But this year i spent it alone. i hate this.

~*maria*~