The Suffering Poster

i was sick of doing it the same old way.

~*maria*~

Like It Helps At All When The Music Dies

This is it. i can feel the end of this retarded odyssey coming so i hope and pray this is the last post i make about him.

It was so masterfully done. Claiming he'd like to say yes, giving an excuse that could never be resolved (saying when his life wasn't so hectic we could take it further; life is always hectic, it never slows down). Giving me a type of hope that would slowly fade over time as i realized what he did. It all made me think he was a really nice guy when, in reality, he's the worst one i've ever encountered. The others at least had some kind of heart and told me flat out they didn't want me, even though some led me on for a while first. But i truly believe he never had any intention of taking things further, and he never had any intention of telling me such. i don't want to hate him. But i'm going to. Because it will help me forget about, and even be revolted by, the feelings i once had for him, and i know i will eventually get over the hatred. i'm not letting this happen again.

~*maria*~

My dearest Rob,
I still have feelings just as strong as they have been for you. I was trying to get them to stop for the longest time, but then we had that night. That night was wonderful. Trust me when I say I would never talk like that to anyone. But I feel so comfortable around you. I love being able to be myself around you. I don't have to tone anything down or pretend to be something I'm not. If only I had the courage to tell you all this. But I know you don't like talking about it. You never have. It's okay. Even if you did want to talk about it, I would have no clue what to say to you. Nothing has changed. I feel the same way I did in October. God, how i would give anything to have you feel the same way about me. I guess I'm writing this to let you know that I love you. And I want you. More than anything.
Love,
Syd

I May Be Drunk...

"...we will rule the fucking world and have the men we want and won't have to sit idly by any longer while the men we love flirt shamelessly with other women right in front of us."

...but i can still plan for a perfect world.

~*maria*~

New Year, Same Feelings

During the Moses Family Christmas Party, John and Lindsey were talking about what they thought love was. John said it's wanting to have a starring role in someone's life. Wanting to be the cause of good things that happen to them. That's how i feel too.

i wish i could find a guy who wants that. Someone who wants to be with me, who wants to talk to me even when there's tons of other people around.

~*maria*~

Will We Be Alright Left Alone Tonight?

He's really pissing me off lately. i don't know why. He just is. i mean i stayed up for two days straight because he told me to get my priest to 60 so we could level together. Guess how much we've leveled. None. None level. i keep asking, but he just ignores me. Fucking asshole. My taste in men is getting worse by the minute.

~*maria*~

i Can't Predict The Weather Past The Storm

i feel empty. Like after losing him, i won't have anything to hold onto. i feel like i'm floating, like i can't touch the ground. Like nothing is holding me here. i felt so grounded and safe and happy when i thought there was a chance. And now...now there is a constant nagging feeling that i'm losing something amazing and i will regret it forever. "I would say just be friends for now." i'm trying so hard but it hurts so bad. Not even when i was trying to get over Moses freshman year of high school did it hurt like this. This is something completely different. What if this was supposed to be something but i'm giving up?

~*maria*~