Cry

i don't think he's coming. i've lost my charm and intrigue. He has too much stuff going on in his life. It happens the same way every time. i would love to have a man think i would be a positive addition to his life instead of thinking he has to fix everything in his life before he can think about being with me. Life never stops being hectic. Shouldn't the prospect of having a significant other to help you through it be a positive thing? Why do the guys i want always see it as a negative? i just want someone to fucking care about me for once.

~*maria*~

Black Sheep

Is it weird that i never feel like i fit in with my family? I've always felt like that. But it's always been my parents and my brother....and then me, always on the outside. Maybe it's because when i'm not in the same room they make jokes about me. And i'm not just being paranoid, they actually do. i don't think they do it to be mean, but it still hurts. Hearing your entire family laugh at your expense isn't very uplifting.

~*maria*~

The One Where She Does Something Stupid

i didn't really want to go when i was stepping out the door. i could've stayed home and played games with Rob. But i told her i'd go. i already committed and i felt bad backing out last second. So i drove in the dark with the raccoons and the moths and the deer. That place is so different every time i have the nerve to step into it. i felt nervous. i wanted to have fun. i didn't want it to go the same as it had been going. i wanted something good to happen. Most of all i didn't want to cry all the way home at four in the morning because i fear i made a mistake every time i see him. i had come too far to turn back. We played games. i had fun. i got drunk. Made a mistake. Played more games. Went upstairs. Sat. Cuddled. And when everyone left to play more games, i made an even bigger mistake. But i guess i only call it a mistake because i assume others would view it as one. i don't regret it. And if i don't regret it, can it really be a mistake? i don't want to take it back and don't feel the need to apologize for it. It may not have been the smartest thing, but it was fun. And it made me feel loved again, even if it was just for the night. i doubt i was the reason he was holding me so tight. i'm sure he was just happy to have someone to hold, it didn't matter who. Because there's no way i could ever mean that much to someone.

It's got to be something about me, right? There's got to be something wrong with me.

Fuck it. Who cares?

Adriane's pregnant.

~*maria*~

Never The Right Type

i went to Chicago yesterday afternoon to meet Robey in person. It was so hot and expensive, but completely worth it. He's very nice and we got along amazingly. We talked for a long time when i first got there about everything from work to school to WoW. We even talked about hookers for a while. We played WoW and i got a little drunk. We cuddled all night.

i could fall for him if i thought i had a chance. But i don't. Why do i always attract the type of guy i have nothing in common with and don't like at all while the guys i actually like and would like to have a relationship with want nothing to do with me? It's got to be something about me, right? There's got to be something wrong with me.

Being cuddled up against him felt so nice. Sigh. i'm so lonely.

~*maria*~

Payback

"I don't know what I could do to pay you back though. I mean if you were here in person I'd fuck the shit outta you."

It's so easy to get guys to want to fuck me. But getting a guy to want to date me is impossible.

~*maria*~

Swim

i once wrote:
"Have you ever had points in your life where you just have to stop and say to yourself, 'Self, listen to this question very closely. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!' Yeah, i've been having a ton of those lately." ("WoW Before Boyfriends," Sunday, June 20, 2010)

i've been having way too many of those moments recently. i'm lost and confused and depressed and fucked up. i know what i want but it's not what i'm getting.

i actually skyped with Caleb the other night. That was a lot of fun. i really enjoy talking to that kid.

i want another tattoo. And i need a vacation.

~*maria*~