Break Glass In Case of Emergency

Where do i begin? The person that this post is for most likely does not read this anymore. So what's the point of writing it? There really isn't one except to VENT. WHICH IS WHAT I DO HERE. Hi. Welcome to the internet. You really shouldn't believe everything you read on it. Cats really can't be hovercrafts (link) and not all Nigerian Princes want to give you tons of money if only you'd send them tons first.

Anyway. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Nor shall i get hostile because that never solves anything. Being angry never solves anything. Not talking to the person who pissed you off in the first place never solves anything.

i'm disappointed that you couldn't just come to me and talk about what i did to make you angry. Instead you went to someone who didn't have to get dragged into this stupid problem in the first place, and that's just unfair to her. She has better things to focus on than a problem that could have been resolved before any of this had to be said.

Now. One thing i had thought most people who have been friends with me for more than five minute understood is that i go through times, usually lasting a few days, sometimes longer, where i need to be by myself and if i'm not i get very annoyed with whoever i am with. No matter who it is. And i knew i shouldn't have gone with you three that night, but i hate it when people cancel last minute and i didn't want to do that to you guys. But i knew right away i should have just stayed home. So, yes, i became annoyed very quickly. And the funny thing about this situation is that you were not the one annoying me. Lucas being overemotional about sitting in the smoking section annoyed me and Drunk Manda wanting to touch all the actors at the haunted house annoyed me. But not you. Yet you are the one angry with me.

But you need to understand that my blog is a place for me to vent. A place for me to release whatever is bothering me to a non-involved party. i can get it off my chest and release it into the vast wasteland that is the internet and i never have to think about it again. i hardly ever mean what i say. It's just heat of the moment words. If i didn't write them in my blog, they would come out of my mouth. That's just how i do things. And thank God Manda understands that otherwise she would have stopped being friends with me a long ass time ago.

Another thing i would like to discuss is that you won't come to the party that Manda took months convincing you and that other guy to come to all because you are overreacting to something i wrote. i mean, come on, Lucas is a very emotional person and sometimes he is a little over emotional. And it was just getting on my nerves that night.

i feel bad. Not for writing in my blog or what i wrote, i feel bad for all the people who are going to be sad you are letting something like this get in the way of seeing people who thought they were friends with you. The thing is, i don't even know how much you really want to be friends with us anymore. It's not like you make that much of an effort. That especially comes out if you're willing to let something this absolutely stupid get in the way of friendship. Not with me but with Manda and Joe.

Joe was happy you were going to come. Everytime i tell him you're coming to a party he always responds with, "No she's not. She won't come." And every single time, he's right. And i guess this time he will be right again, and i feel bad that it was my fault that he was right this time.

i would just call you and tell you all this over the phone but you never answer your phone even if you aren't angry with the person who is calling, so i can't imagine you would answer for me now. Which, again, just brings me back to the fact that i am severly disappointed at this situation. i am disappointed that you couldn't be mature, couldn't be an adult and just come to me with your issue. You won't like this, but i have to say it, i feel like i'm back in high school. Hell, i feel like i'm back in grade school. So maybe, like high school or grade school, if i leave you alone for a couple of weeks, we'll start being friends again like nothing happened.

Although, we weren't really friends before this. We never talk anymore. i never see you anymore. i used to try to make an effort and hang out with you but you either never responded or always cancelled last minute. So, over time, i gave up.

This also saddens me. You aren't really the friend to anyone like you used to be. i guess i never really knew you much, but i feel bad for Manda. It doesn't really seem like you two are as you used to be.

i guess i should wrap this up. No one likes long blog posts. So i guess i'm trying to say i wish you would just talk to me about this. But i don't expect you to. It's not how you do. So, in case you never want to talk to me again, i hope you have a good life. i hope you get to be happy.

~*maria*~

Friends

i'm tired of being friends with the people i am. There are two people i can stand for more than five minutes, but there are times when i can't. But that's my fault. i get annoyed with people when i'm depressed. i went out with Manda, Mandy, and Lucas last night to a haunted house. i thought it would be fun, but it was not. Manda was drunk and acting like an idiot and Lucas was his over-emotional self. i really don't like him most of the time. All of the time.

So i'm going into hermit mode. i'm done with hanging out with people for a while. i just can't stand it anymore. i don't want to be around cheaters and drunks and assholes anymore. It's now that i wish i was back in Milwaukee, only because then i could hang out with Moses and John more. i miss them.

my mom spent the night crying again. i can't wait to get out of this house. i can't take it anymore. i know being depressed is tough, but, look, i'm living just fine with it. Sort of. i can at least function.

~*maria*~

The Devil's Dance Floor

i was standing there, minding my own business, listening to the conversations happening around me.
"When are we leaving?" John asked Moses.
"Why? Do you want to leave?" Moses replied.
"No. But that one is bored and would like to go." John pointed at me.
The entire group turned to look at me.
i put my hands up and said that i didn't care. i added that i was bored because i wasn't doing anything.
That's when he grabbed my hand, and i knew he wanted to dance. He handed his glass of Monkey Bay white wine to Moses and i handed the coat i was holding to John. While still holding my hand, he led me to the dance floor, put his hand on my waist and i slipped my hand to his shoulder.
i briefly said i didn't know how to dance. He said that was alright and that he wasn't very good. i found that hard to believe. i'm sure he has danced with many girls.
He said he didn't even know me but recognized me. i told him who i was. i told him i knew his brother. The rest of the dance we talked about World of Warcraft.

i find it odd that the first dance i ever had was at age 19, and it wasn't with a man i was good friends with or dating. It was with a man i had talked to maybe once in my entire life. It was awesome.
But it made me sad. It made me realize the little things i would love for Joe to do that he doesn't, that isn't in his nature to do. i hardly know Kaleb, and yet just by simply taking my hand without warning, he struck me as the type of man i would love to be with. Romantic, caring, spontaneous.
The rest of the night was spent thinking about Joe and how i don't think he can ever be like that. i need a guy who will buy me little gifts for no reason. Of course, a guy who buys me gifts for a big reason, like my birthday, would be a great place to start.

The problem is, later in the night, John, Moses, and Adriane all said that out of all the guys i've been with, they like Joe the best. And they don't even know him that well. So i'm scared that if i were no longer with Joe, any man i introduced to them they wouldn't like. And i know ultimately it's my choice, but i want my brothers to like him.

It boils down to the fact that i was shown another reason why i don't truly believe i will be with Joe for a long time.

~*maria*~

No Wonder

No wonder i got into MIAD. Read this. i can be very inspirational when i want to be. i wonder where all this passion went?

2. Describe why you would like to attend MIAD and what you hope to gain from a MIAD education.

I would like to attend MIAD because one of my greatest passions is photography and I believe that MIAD has the tools to teach me everything I could ever want to know about the field. Up until recently, my goal for college was to go to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I grew up around it and ever since I can remember, I have wanted to go there. However, when I picked up photography about a year ago, that plan was no longer the one I wanted to follow. After taking a few shots of random things, I discovered that this is something I greatly enjoy. I love taking a picture and capturing the feeling of the moment or capturing the world, unadulterated.

What I would love to do with my photography, is fuse it with my other great passion: music. I would like to work at a concert venue and take photos of concerts, or work for a music magazine like AP. However, the greatest thing I could ever do with photography is capture the real world. I believe the news media is showing the world with a bias. They show what they want and not what the people need to know. I would like to go to foreign places, or even down the street in our own neighborhood, and show people that the world is a wonderful but also horrible place. I want to show them every emotion possible. I want to capture people bonding together in times of trouble, or countries falling apart in turmoil. Most of all, I would just like to make a difference, however big or small it may be. I believe the people at MIAD can teach me how to follow my dreams in the best possible way.

Brother

The Suffering Frame

I walk into her room, and she is crying. "I don't know what to tell you," I say.

"I think that maybe it's just bad luck. We could have been born rich, and thin, and powerful. We could have been worth their time."

She nods, acknowledging that we're on the same page.

"I can't decide. I can't decide whether I'd rather have never met her, or whether the pain was worth the happiness. I mean, it's more pain than I've ever felt, but...I was happy."

I've been saying that "more pain than I've ever felt" thing a lot recently. I'm beginning to bore myself.

"So I don't know what to tell you. I don't know whether it's better to have never had it, or to have had it and lost it. I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and, if you look at it philosophically, it doesn't make sense. The pain is unavoidable. Either somebody gets dumped or somebody dies, there's no way out..."

"...but it's not just the ending, it's the whole concept. It's giving such a huge part of yourself to someone whose intentions you can never truly know; sacrificing so much of your freedom of choice for a few moments, or months, or years of pleasure."

These are words I've said before, a million times in my head, before Emily and after. I pause, let it go quiet. It's not even awkward.

"I want to blog this," I say. "Is there anything you want to say? Is there anything you want me to tell them?"

"It's retarded," she whispers.

{~><~}
My sister is in love, and alone. I am also in love. I am also alone. --Pauer
{~><~}
"Pain hardens, and great pain hardens greatly, whatever the comforters say. And suffering does not ennoble, though it may occasionaly lend a certain rigid dignity of manner to the suffering frame." --Antonia S. Byatt

Hailey

Hailey Mae Schilling was only a baby. Miriam and Eric's baby. She passed away.

~*maria*~

If There's A Ship That Sails Tonight, I'll Captain That Too Just To Be There With You

i have, quite foolishly, thought i was in love before. But i wasn't. However, i have never had a guy make me feel like Joe does. i'm not nervous around him. i can be myself without any pressure. He makes me feel beautiful (and tells me that i am all the time). It's terrifying knowing how much i've invested in him. But i'm excited to see where this goes. It's been seven months. i hope there are a lot more coming.

~*maria*~