Spinning

i don't understand my life. It's like every good thing has to have a bad side. Why can't something completely good just happen for once? No down side, no catch. Just something to make me completely happy.

This past weekend i went to Aaron's in Platteville. Before i went, i decided that if he made a move, i'd go for it. At the time i thought he liked me. i decided i'd settle for him. He's a great guy, he just isn't the guy i want. So eventually i just asked him how he felt about me. He said he just saw me as a friend. And i was happy. i was happy that it solved my problem for me. i didn't have to be logical and go for the guy who lived an hour away instead of twenty.

So on my way home from Pville i decided to just ask Rob how he felt about me. i figured i could knock out all my guy problems within a twenty-four hour period. So i asked. i asked if he could ever see me as more than just a friend. His response? Side note: For months i have convinced myself there's no chance, so when i asked him, i expected a "no." His response: "Of course." i don't think i've ever been more shocked in my entire life.

i thought about that all night. What did he mean by of course? Like a hypothetical there's-always-a-chance-anyone-could-like-anyone way? Or a yes-i-like-you way? So i asked him today. He likes me. He just has a problem with the distance.

So what now? Do we just ignore our feelings and go on just being friends, searching for someone closer to home? Or do we give it a shot? Say fuck it, it's just distance? Either option will suck. And now that i know how he feels, there's no way i'm going to be able to forget about him anytime soon. Only in my life would i meet an amazing guy who makes me feel wonderful and who also has to live very far away. So what the fuck do i do now?

~*maria*~

"Just have The Final Countdown ready, you will be fine."

Eh. Screw 'em.

~*maria*~

Sound Of Settling

i shouldn't have to, but i guess i will. i will settle for a great guy over an amazing man. i will settle for a man i don't love over one i do. If it means i won't be lonely and i will forget about the man i do love, then i will settle.

~*maria*~

Grandma

When i was little, i broke one of my grandmother's cup and saucer sets that she has been collecting for a very long time. While i was crying and feeling horrible, she pulled me up on her lap and said to me, "Shit happens and then you die." That is probably my favorite memory involving her. And that phrase has stuck with me for my entire life.

~*maria*~

Cell Phones

Hmm. i don't know how to feel about this night. i jokingly sent a text to Moses that said i wanted to have lots of sex and babies with Rob. Moses forwarded it to him. Thanks Moses. And then when i came home and played WoW with him, he didn't say anything about it. Did he just think i was kidding? i mean, how much more obvious can a person be right? Because i totally wasn't. If i had the opportunity, i would jump on that in a heartbeat. Hehe. It's probably just that he doesn't want me. Why would he? i'm 100% positive there are prettier, smarter, funnier girls willing to go out with him in his own state. So why bother with me? Because we all know i'm not worth it.

~*maria*~

Time

i need to remember to never talk to my brothers about the guys i like ever again. i was happy before that night. i was feeling good. i was letting myself hope, against everything i knew was a good idea, i was hoping. i actually thought i had a shot. But most of all, i was happy. i hadn't cried in weeks. my life seemed like it was going somewhere for once. i was smiling and joking. Now...now i'm miserable. i can't make it one night without crying. i bet they don't even realize what they did. They don't even realize that they smashed my hopes into tiny little pieces. It's not like i tried to hide it. i cried really hard for a long time on his porch and he didn't even notice. And it's not so much that my hoping was abruptly ended, as i knew it would be at some point in time. What's killing me the most is knowing that for once i was actually happy and almost satisfied with who i was and where i was going. But now it's back to the same old depressed, antisocial me that we've all come to know and hate.

~*maria*~

Did You Know i Miss You?

i'm a fool. i was an idiot to ever hope. i've never let myself do that before, not like this time. i'm now reminded why. Thanks to Moses, my hopes were dashed within milliseconds. And i cried for the first time in weeks. Now, everytime someone talks to me about it, i want to punch them in the face. i don't understand why i can't just get a fucking break for once. i was happy. i was happy pretending i had some sort of shot. And now i'm not. And i don't. Thank you everyone.

~*maria*~