Willow

At Dillon's wedding reception, there were cards that said birthdates and what tree they correspond to. When you found what tree you were, it told you about yourself. i was a willow tree. And the description is pretty spot on.

Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.

~*maria*~

Late Night Talks

There have been countless times when i end up alone with the man i have feelings for and it's silent. The only thing that runs through my head is, "Say something. Please, say anything. i just want to hear your voice one last time."

~*maria*~

i Am Resigned To Stay The Same

i'm Guild Master. It was decided tonight. i hope i don't screw up. If i do, there's always the option of quitting the guild and never interacting with these people again. But that would make me sad.

i talked to a coworker about some of my problems today. i realized how stupid i sound. Seriously, when i try to describe my problems to someone, i sound retarded.

i've also been playing my guitar again. i really want to get my piano and start playing that again. i will have to pick it up. i was actually kind of good with the piano if i practiced.

my feelings have not changed for him. i hate love.

~*maria*~

Forward-Thinking

Moses and i had a conversation about John today. Moses said he felt john was distancing himself from everyone. i told him he was. That he didn't feel he had anything in common with his friends anymore. Moses couldn't grasp the fact that he didn't have to talk to John about it. He just needed to be a friend to John.

i know how you feel, John. i've burnt so many bridges because of that feeling i can't even keep them all straight anymore. i just wish i had had a little sister to recognize the signs before it was too late. Before i was left with two people i consider friends. i'm not sure i have ever said this to you, but i love you, John. You're my best friend, my man of honor. And i'm completely serious, when i get married, you will be right up there as my man of honor.

i think i've found the Pauer Sibling theme song.

Will I have learned so very little
When these bones are old and brittle?
I wait to talk when I should listen
And cloud mistakes with false revisions

All my friends are forward-thinking
Getting hitched and quitting drinking
And I can feel them pulling away
As I'm resigned to stay the same

And you can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"

I was once a loyal lover
Whose lips did never seek another's
But now each love's more like a match
A blinding spark that burns out fast

And they all conclude with the same sentence:
"I've never met someone more self-centered
Who thinks that life with a nice girl's like
Waiting for a bus to work"

And you can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"
And you can't even begin to believe
There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

If you deem it so
Just cut the cord and go
You'll be fine
There's plenty of hills to climb

You can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"
And you can't even begin to believe
There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

~*maria*~
--I Was Once A Loyal Lover, Death Cab for Cutie

Ups & Downs

i couldn't stop crying. It was horrible. All of my coworkers kept asking me, "Are you okay?" which just made me cry harder. i still don't know why i was crying. Partially because i hate my life, but that wasn't the whole reason. i've been unhappy with my life for seven years, there's always another reason.

And I'm gonna get to the bottom of this
Gonna peel back my skin
And look at myself shaking and shivering
And I'll get the rope
From in the house
Survey the scene
Find two of the tallest trees
And I'd tie myself up
Above the cool air
To dangle in the twilight

And I'm gonna get to the bottom of this
Gonna peel back my skin
And look at myself shaking and shivering
As my skin collects in a pile on the ground
I'll radiate heat and turn off my head
And just pretend that i don't exist
Then I'll see clearly to the end
Of the ropes that I've been hanging form
As they loosen from the trees
And plummet to the ground
Be impaled and turned around
I'm finally free from the ups and downs

~*maria*~
--Ups & Downs, Saves the Day

Love Life

i'm happy.

...you don't seem the type to use the word cute
well...why not?
because cute seems like a happy word
and you don't seem like a happy person:)
am i really that depressing all the time?
not depressing
but not happy
depressed
it doesn't depress me, but you seem unhappy most of the time there are rare occasions when you're laughing and happy but it's usually at the destruction of other humans, like when we saw braveheart, or sometimes when we're playing GOTY

i'm wanted.

i know, i don't know, i guess im a little scared that you and i will just slowly drift apart, because you know i'm not outgoing enough to start conversations, and then eventually we'll just sort of ...i don't know, it's stupid i know

i'm blameless.

if it's anyone's fault it's mine... i sent mixed signals to begin with, and then i left you entirely because i figured it'd be easier for you to deal with things if i wasn't around to complicate your life... so i stopped talking to you for a while, hoping you'd have time to heal and get over it, and adriane..
adriane just came along at the right time and said what she did to who she did at just the right time... i was confused, to be sure, because there was you and there was angela (whom i really liked at the time, but she wouldn't reciprocate)... and then she came along, and i figured i'd give it a shot, because i had nothing to lose...
syd, there's no competing with her, not because she's better than you in any way... but she's better for me.
you're not stupid and ugly like you always insist...
you still surprise me from time to time with little feats of cunning or intelligence, and i still find you attractive on occasion (although, discipline and commitment have all but removed my ability to be attracted to anyone but adriane)... i dunno what else to say, then, except that...
i'm sorry for screwing up your life. i wish i could give you all this time of confusion and unhappiness back to you... but i can't.

i'm used. i'm abandoned. i'm not worth the risk.

~*maria*~