Grandma

When i was little, i broke one of my grandmother's cup and saucer sets that she has been collecting for a very long time. While i was crying and feeling horrible, she pulled me up on her lap and said to me, "Shit happens and then you die." That is probably my favorite memory involving her. And that phrase has stuck with me for my entire life.

~*maria*~

Cell Phones

Hmm. i don't know how to feel about this night. i jokingly sent a text to Moses that said i wanted to have lots of sex and babies with Rob. Moses forwarded it to him. Thanks Moses. And then when i came home and played WoW with him, he didn't say anything about it. Did he just think i was kidding? i mean, how much more obvious can a person be right? Because i totally wasn't. If i had the opportunity, i would jump on that in a heartbeat. Hehe. It's probably just that he doesn't want me. Why would he? i'm 100% positive there are prettier, smarter, funnier girls willing to go out with him in his own state. So why bother with me? Because we all know i'm not worth it.

~*maria*~

Time

i need to remember to never talk to my brothers about the guys i like ever again. i was happy before that night. i was feeling good. i was letting myself hope, against everything i knew was a good idea, i was hoping. i actually thought i had a shot. But most of all, i was happy. i hadn't cried in weeks. my life seemed like it was going somewhere for once. i was smiling and joking. Now...now i'm miserable. i can't make it one night without crying. i bet they don't even realize what they did. They don't even realize that they smashed my hopes into tiny little pieces. It's not like i tried to hide it. i cried really hard for a long time on his porch and he didn't even notice. And it's not so much that my hoping was abruptly ended, as i knew it would be at some point in time. What's killing me the most is knowing that for once i was actually happy and almost satisfied with who i was and where i was going. But now it's back to the same old depressed, antisocial me that we've all come to know and hate.

~*maria*~

Did You Know i Miss You?

i'm a fool. i was an idiot to ever hope. i've never let myself do that before, not like this time. i'm now reminded why. Thanks to Moses, my hopes were dashed within milliseconds. And i cried for the first time in weeks. Now, everytime someone talks to me about it, i want to punch them in the face. i don't understand why i can't just get a fucking break for once. i was happy. i was happy pretending i had some sort of shot. And now i'm not. And i don't. Thank you everyone.

~*maria*~

i Could Stay Here All Day But That's Not How you Feel

He said i seemed down and out lately, and asked what was going on. i was reluctant at first. But he kept pushing. So finally i listed the broad categories of the areas of my life i was having problems in, which is pretty much all of them. He then asked me one by one what was happening. We talked for a long time. He asked me about my men troubles. i told him i liked a guy but there's no way in hell he'd like me back. He said i should be more available, be blatantly obvious that i like this man. So i'm going to be. i might pull some courage from past sydnie and even tell him flat out that if he wants me, i'm his. And if not, we'll be friends. i know what he'll say. He'll reject me like the others. But then at least i can stop wasting my time and focus on more realistic prospects.

i also asked him why he didn't have a special lady friend. He said he took a break after his last girlfriend and just hadn't pursued anything yet. He said he hadn't found the right girl. That all the girls he comes across are party girls and while they're fun for a few days, he has no desire to have a relationship with a girl like that.

i'm not a party girl. Not anymore.

This is weird. Usually i'd just say screw it, that the distance was too much. That long distance relationships don't work. i've done that before. But there's something about him that makes me incapable of doing that. i feel so comfortable around him. Not nervous like i usually am around guys i have feelings for. Something about it just feels right. i feel a lot more hopeful about this than i have about other guys before. i don't know how to explain it. It just...it feels...different.

~*maria*~

And Is She Everything....Everything i'm Not

So you know the feeling you get when you find out the man you have ridiculous feelings for is either dating or had sex with or whatever a different girl? i just realized i think it's my favorite feeling in the world. It's almost impossible to describe how that feels. It hurts so bad you can't even cry or express it in words. It's horrible, but it's beautiful.

~*maria*~

Some Things Aren't Worth Giving Up, i Know

i hate this. i don't understand it. i shouldn't like him. i know it's futile. He would never like me like that, and even if he did, he'd never think i was worth the hassle of a long distance relationship. But i can't stop thinking about him. And it's only getting worse. There are moments when he kind of makes it seem like he might think of me that way, but that's probably just how he is. i know he's almost as flirty as i am, so i can't actually read into that right? i wish i could pay someone to tell him how i feel for me so that i wouldn't have to be rejected straight to my face. Or put in a good word for me or something. This is fucking stupid. i'm fucking stupid. He seems more interested than he has before. And there's no denying we make a great pair. Psh, scratch that, a magnificent pair. We get together and we can accomplish anything. We compliment each other so well. And people have noticed that.

i need to do something about this. i don't want to deal with this anymore. But what the hell am i supposed to do?

i saw Something Corporate tonight. It was amazing. One of the best concerts i've ever been to. There were several parts when i wanted to cry because i was so happy.

i often wonder if he thinks about me at all while he's going about his daily life. Or if it's like i don't even exist to him unless we're playing together.

~*maria*~