Watch Me Fuck Shit Up

The question was bothering me all night. He already knew how i felt, feel, about him. As i was laying there, cuddled up against him, i was going back and forth, trying to decide if i should just ask or not. i hate not knowing where i stand when it comes to relationships. Finally, under my breath i muttered, "Fuck it," and asked.

So are we officially dating or what?

He sighed that sigh guys make when they're about to say no to something and they know it will hurt your feelings. He didn't have to say anything else because that was a sufficient answer. He said he didn't know, which is another way guys say no when they're trying not to hurt you.

It's fine. Nevermind. Don't worry about it.

i turned over and tried really fucking hard not to cry. He asked if i was okay. i said i was fine. He asked if i was just saying that. i said no. After a while turned away from him, thinking about what the fuck i was doing with my life, i turned back toward him and scooted closer. He wrapped his arms really tight around me, holding me, running his fingers through my hair.

i'm an idiot.

He said i wasn't. He said we should talk about it.

i'm an idiot. i thought you liked me.

He said he did like me. He said i was a really cool girl and enjoys the time he spends with me and he doesn't want that to end. He said he likes me more than just an average friend. But he doesn't want to rush into anything. He recounted the past couple relationships he's had. The last one ended because he found out, about a year into it, something about the girl that was pretty much a deal breaker. And so he had to break it off. And the last girl he wanted to date, led him on for a while only to tell him she didn't want to date him.

It's quite obvious how i feel about you. i like you. i want to date you. i'm not leading you on. And i can't really see anything about myself that would be an absolute deal breaker for you.

He said he wants to minimize the chance of causing or being caused more pain by getting to know everything about me first and then dating me. i tried to explain that even now, while he was telling me that, i was getting hurt. Not quite in those words, but something like that.

Any relationship isn't easy. Even friendships. But especially in the dating aspect. Someone always gets hurt. There's no way around that.

He said he knew. By this time i had pulled away. i was lying on my back. It was silent for at least five minutes. i was thinking. He wants to keep hanging out. He supposedly likes me as more than just a friend. And as long as he doesn't run into something about me that's a deal breaker (which again, i can't think of what that would be), then when we get to know each other a little better, he might want to date me. Sounds a lot like every single other guy i've ever had the pleasure of wasting time on. i've already wasted a year of my life waiting for guys (see Monday, October 11, 2010 - Wednesday, September 7, 2011). Of course nothing ever goes right in my life. i am a fucking idiot for thinking for even a millisecond that this would work out. And that pissed me off as i was laying there. i wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, that he was an asshole for leading me on like that. But i didn't. He already felt bad. Instead i thought through the other side of the argument. i don't have anyone else. No other potential boys. And i really enjoy spending time with him. We get along really well and i get all his nerdy jokes (which is something he said he really liked about me). And i like him. And it's not like he flat out doesn't want to date me. He just doesn't want to rush into it. And that's an epic flaw of mine. i like rushing into things. It's what i've always done and what i always will do. So maybe taking this slow, really getting to know him and then deciding if i really think spending the time and effort to date him will be worth it isn't such a bad idea.

Okay. i like spending time with you and hanging out with you. And you said you didn't want that to stop. So it's okay. If you're not ready to date me now, and you could be in the future, i can wait.

He said he wanted the situation to be comfortable for me. That he didn't need the physical aspect. That if it would be hurtful or if i just didn't want to have sex with him anymore, he was okay with that. He said he didn't want me to think that he was just hanging around with me for the physicality, because that wasn't what he was doing.

It's fine. i enjoy it, so do you. For now, we can keep doing it.

He said he felt bad. He said he should have talked about it sooner with me.

Don't feel bad. This really isn't the worse thing a guy's ever done to me. i, too, have a horrible history of relationships. i understand where you're coming from. i'm not sure i completely agree with it, but i understand, and i'm willing to wait and see what happens.

We cuddled up to each other again. The conversation gradually fell to something lighter: video games. We eventually fell asleep.

...

It hurts today more than it did last night. It hurt to look at him while sitting across from him at lunch. But the pain will fade. i will be fine. i always am.

~*maria*~

Pokemon

It went wonderfully! Yay! i'm totally geeking out and being retarded right now. We're going on a date on Tuesday. A real date with a real boy who lives in the same city and is awesome. i'm excited. All right. Settle down.

~*maria*~

Brain

i've been operating under the assumption that he does like me. i assumed his being really nice and walking me home and cuddling with me all night and the next day and making out with me meant he liked me. But what if it doesn't? What if he turns out to be a jerk just like the rest of them? i'll be so sad. i'm trying to tell myself to take it one step at a time, to not over think things. Trying to tell myself to just watch some Doctor Who, go to sleep, wake up, and see what happens tomorrow night. But my brain is stupid and doesn't work that way. i think and over think things constantly. i hate it. SHUT UP BRAIN! I JUST WANT TO BE CAREFREE AND HAPPY FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER! JUST FOR 24 MORE HOURS!

i'm so excited and terrified about tomorrow i don't know if i want to dance or cry.

i'll write more later.

~*maria*~

Flippin' Out

It's been so long i've forgotten how to have a crush on a guy who's actually in the same state, in the same city (!), without going completely insane. It's a fucking amazing feeling. i met him at Rachel's birthday party (thanks Rachel) and he's really nice. i don't know how he feels about me. i hope he likes me. i kinda brought him home Saturday night. And then he spent the entire day Sunday with me. And gave me a huge hug (his hugs are fucking awesome, just fyi) and a kiss when he left. And said we should do this again. i don't know. i'm trying really hard to contain myself but i don't think i can. Shit i don't know what to do. Should i invite him over to watch movies or something? Or suggest we get food? Or should i just wait and see if he asks? i am at a complete loss. i don't know what the protocol is here. i've never been in this situation before! i've been in every other kind of situation with guys, but not one as...normal as this one. But i'm glad it's a normal one for once. Seriously, he lives like a mile away from me. How awesome is that?! Okay, i'm settled. i just needed to let my crazy out somewhere.

~*maria*~

Cry

i don't think he's coming. i've lost my charm and intrigue. He has too much stuff going on in his life. It happens the same way every time. i would love to have a man think i would be a positive addition to his life instead of thinking he has to fix everything in his life before he can think about being with me. Life never stops being hectic. Shouldn't the prospect of having a significant other to help you through it be a positive thing? Why do the guys i want always see it as a negative? i just want someone to fucking care about me for once.

~*maria*~