He never supports me in anything.  When I told him I wanted to quit 608 because it was making me unhappy and making us fight (after he said he should have never brought me onto the company), instead of seeing I was telling the truth, that it did make me unhappy, that I was fucking crying because of it, and supporting me and telling me it was okay, he started complaining about all the stuff he'd have to do because I'd be leaving.  He made me feel worse for leaving a job I absolutely hate than staying and being unhappy.  That was really selfish.  He's very selfish.  Anytime I know what I want to do he just says no.  He doesn't even take my opinion into consideration if it doesn't match his.  A relationship is not a one-sided thing.  You can't just take.  It just constantly feels like he doesn't give a shit about me.  I don't know what to do.

I've Been Trying To Do It Right | I've Been Living A Lonely Life

I was standing in the kitchen, at the sink, drinking a glass of water. He came out of his room and stood in the spot I usually stood at the counter. He smiled at me.

“What are you doing here?”

“Hanging out with Adam.”

“Do you want to hang out tomorrow? I've got the next four days off work.”

“It's possible. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet.”

I was going camping with Adam. But how could I say that without giving it all away? He walked over to the fridge, looked in it. Then he just leaned against the back wall, staring at me.

“Are you sleeping over?”

“Yup.”

“Are you fucking my roommate?”

“...No.”

I panicked. I shouldn't have lied. But without even reasoning through it, that was the first thing out of my mouth.

“Would there be a problem with that?”

“No, not really.”

“Good.”

Adam came out of his room and got a drink. Drew had moved to the couch. He looked like shit. I could tell it was more than just allergies bothering him. He was watching Adam and I. He knew what was going on, but he didn't want to admit it to himself. Adam went back to his room and I was about to follow, but I turned around instead.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm just stressed out.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, I kind of do.”

I sat in the chair next to the couch.

“What's going on?”

“I'm just stressed out about work. I can never get done what they want me to get done. I just don't have enough time. And about the apartment. We haven't heard anything from them since turning in the application.”

“I'm sure you'll hear from them soon. Like tomorrow or something. There's no reason you guys wouldn't get the apartment. And work. Well work is work. Just do your best.”

“Yeah I'm sure you're right. I'm also kind of stressed about you.”

He looked me straight in the eyes. Please Drew, no. Don't do this.

“I'm afraid I made a mistake. That I shouldn't have broken up with you. I freaked out. And now hanging out with you the past couple weeks has made me think it was a mistake to break up with you.”

Fuck you.

“Drew, you're a really nice guy and I enjoyed being with you, but I think we're better as just friends.”

“Is there any chance we could get back together?”

“Not right now.”

“Not right now.”

Silence.

“So, are you fucking my roommate?”

“Yes.”

More silence.

“Wow. I haven't been this pissed in a long time. I feel like I need to punch something.”

“Please don't.”

My confidence was gone. It was like I could barely talk. I could barely get the words out. I was terrified.

“So is it just fucking or are you two together?”

“I don't know. We haven't really talked about it.”

With every word I said, I could feel him getting angrier. He got up and went outside on the patio. He punched the wall. I had to leave. I escaped to Adam. There were tears on my face. He came over to the bed where I was sitting and wrapped his arms around me. I told him everything that had happened.

“You know, I don't think I've ever seen Drew leave his room except to go to work.”

“That's not true. When we were together, we'd play frisbee every once in a while. There's no reason he should be pissed. He broke up with me. And when we were just fooling around, he made it perfectly clear it wasn't going anywhere.”

“Well, I don't think he deserves you. I guess I owe him a thank you because if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have met.”

He's got a goofy way of doing it, but he can cheer me up. My phone vibrated: “Please come back out and talk to me.”

“He wants to talk to me again.”

I got up and moved to the door.

“You don't have to.”

“I know. It won't take long. I just feel bad. I'll be back in a few minutes.”

I gave him a small kiss and opened the door.

“Hey, wait."

He grabbed my waist and closed the door again. He kissed me the way no one has in a long time. I turned and opened the door and went out. I sat on the arm of the couch, ready to escape again if needed. He complained and questioned me some more. I don't really remember what all he was saying. I didn't care at this point. I just wanted to go curl up in bed with Adam and forget about him. He was nothing to me anymore.

He finally started feeling better. He said he wanted to be friends, that he was okay. He stood and gave me a hug. He went to the kitchen to take some sleeping pills so he could sleep. Adam came out of his room and came and stood by the couch where I was.

No Adam. Go back in your room. Drew was calmed down.

“Is everything green?”

Drew went to his room and slammed his door.

The next day I went up north with Adam. If Drew hadn't acted so immature and irrational about it all, maybe I would have felt bad. But I didn't. I still don't. Adam's a really awesome guy.

~*maria*~

"What are you holding out for? What's always in the way? Why so damn absent-minded? Why so scared of romance?"

i really miss you.  i never really told you this because it's hard for me to really voice my feelings these days, but i really care about you.  You're the first person who caused me to want to be better.  For the first time in 9 years, i actually wanted to get help for my depression because i didn't want to be that depressed girl for you.  i wanted to be happy for you.  i wasn't even like that with Joe or Kyle or anyone else.  We really weren't together for long at all but you are something special to me.  And all the stuff you said you needed to figure out, your anxiety and such, i could have been the supportive, stable person in your life you told me you needed.  i know what it's like to go through stuff like that, and it's no time to be alone.  i miss you.

~*maria*~

So Loved

Another St. Patrick's Day alone. It feels so cool that absolutely no one wants to hang out with me.

~*maria*~

It's Scumbag Christmas!

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhh

Screw. This. Shit.

~*maria*~

Message To Myself

Hey! Listen!


~*maria*~

Uku...Ladies? [FTFY]

**Warning: Ultra-drunk post ahead. Proceed with caution.**

Watching the man i used to be with up on stage playing the ukulele with the man i have a crush on now almost killed me (i know, i know. i wish i could have some time when i didn't have a crush on a guy. But at some point in the past couple months my brain has suddenly decided to latch onto this one. Fuck me).

So i started downing drinks like there's no tomorrow.
Because that's how i deal with emotional problems because i don't actually want to face my emotions because they're scary and stupid and i shouldn't have the ones i have but i have no clue how to get rid of them.

And now i'm really embarrassed because i got drunk in front of them on a Monday night. Good going sydnie. No wonder you're alone.

~*maria*~

P.S. I told him Kyle has seen me really drunk. Kyle said it was really funny. Yeah, funny because you can use me, lead me on, and then ditch me for some other frumpy girl. Yeah that's so fucking hilarious.

Oh my god I fucking hate February so much.

P.P.S. Oh wait, I get it. It's really funny because I'm always really forward when I'm drunk right? But I'll also never be with the man I want at that moment. Which means, for Kyle, it's so FUCKING HILARIOUS THAT I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER! YAY! You're right. That's so funny! Oh my god. Just flippin' hilarious.

Space

Can't you just leave me alone? Can't you get my subtle hints of pretty much ignoring you unless you come up to me? I'm sorry. I know you want to be friends, at least that's what you said but I don't believe anything you say anymore. The thing is you destroyed me worse than anyone has. You and the absolute completely wrong way you dealt with the situation hurt me so much that my entire way of approaching people and events has changed drastically. I just want to finally be done with it. I don't want to see you, talk to you, have to listen to all the stupid things happening in your life. I don't care. But I just can't get away. Every time I turn around, there you are. You even switched into one of my classes so now I have to see you three times a week. Goddamnit. I want to be friends (not for my or your benefit but simply because we have a lot of common friends now and it'll be difficult to hate you and still try to be friends with them) but that will never happen if I can't get some flippin' space.

Ugh. I hate February.

Two Unrelated Posts In One!

"Our ancestors made a choice: stability or clarity. They could have stability in their lives, but never truly know who we are or why we're here. However, if they choose the other, clarity, their lives would be difficult and trying. There would be much suffering and pain, no stability in their lives, but they would know and be able to reason and logic. They chose clarity because they knew they could achieve stability through clarity but clarity cannot be achieved through stability."




i really wish he'd call.

~*maria*~

p.s. {No Lies, Just Love} is seven years old. Happy birthday.