It's got to be something about me, right? There's got to be something wrong with me.

Fuck it. Who cares?

Adriane's pregnant.

~*maria*~

Never The Right Type

i went to Chicago yesterday afternoon to meet Robey in person. It was so hot and expensive, but completely worth it. He's very nice and we got along amazingly. We talked for a long time when i first got there about everything from work to school to WoW. We even talked about hookers for a while. We played WoW and i got a little drunk. We cuddled all night.

i could fall for him if i thought i had a chance. But i don't. Why do i always attract the type of guy i have nothing in common with and don't like at all while the guys i actually like and would like to have a relationship with want nothing to do with me? It's got to be something about me, right? There's got to be something wrong with me.

Being cuddled up against him felt so nice. Sigh. i'm so lonely.

~*maria*~

Payback

"I don't know what I could do to pay you back though. I mean if you were here in person I'd fuck the shit outta you."

It's so easy to get guys to want to fuck me. But getting a guy to want to date me is impossible.

~*maria*~

Swim

i once wrote:
"Have you ever had points in your life where you just have to stop and say to yourself, 'Self, listen to this question very closely. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!' Yeah, i've been having a ton of those lately." ("WoW Before Boyfriends," Sunday, June 20, 2010)

i've been having way too many of those moments recently. i'm lost and confused and depressed and fucked up. i know what i want but it's not what i'm getting.

i actually skyped with Caleb the other night. That was a lot of fun. i really enjoy talking to that kid.

i want another tattoo. And i need a vacation.

~*maria*~

The Suffering Poster

i was sick of doing it the same old way.

~*maria*~

Like It Helps At All When The Music Dies

This is it. i can feel the end of this retarded odyssey coming so i hope and pray this is the last post i make about him.

It was so masterfully done. Claiming he'd like to say yes, giving an excuse that could never be resolved (saying when his life wasn't so hectic we could take it further; life is always hectic, it never slows down). Giving me a type of hope that would slowly fade over time as i realized what he did. It all made me think he was a really nice guy when, in reality, he's the worst one i've ever encountered. The others at least had some kind of heart and told me flat out they didn't want me, even though some led me on for a while first. But i truly believe he never had any intention of taking things further, and he never had any intention of telling me such. i don't want to hate him. But i'm going to. Because it will help me forget about, and even be revolted by, the feelings i once had for him, and i know i will eventually get over the hatred. i'm not letting this happen again.

~*maria*~

My dearest Rob,
I still have feelings just as strong as they have been for you. I was trying to get them to stop for the longest time, but then we had that night. That night was wonderful. Trust me when I say I would never talk like that to anyone. But I feel so comfortable around you. I love being able to be myself around you. I don't have to tone anything down or pretend to be something I'm not. If only I had the courage to tell you all this. But I know you don't like talking about it. You never have. It's okay. Even if you did want to talk about it, I would have no clue what to say to you. Nothing has changed. I feel the same way I did in October. God, how i would give anything to have you feel the same way about me. I guess I'm writing this to let you know that I love you. And I want you. More than anything.
Love,
Syd