Backtracking A Backtrack?

....Nevermind. He just did the same thing they all do. i love it. i fucking love my life so much right now. Oh my god, yes. i totally don't feel like jumping out my window into Lake Mendota right now.



i give up. Completely.

~*maria*~

Backtrack

It was when he told me about his car crash that i really realized how much i miss him. And when we went up to his room and we were just talking about things going on in our lives i realized how different we both are. And later in the night when he stopped kissing me, looked me in the eyes, and told me, "I really enjoy the time I spend with you," i realized what i gave up and what i would give to get it back.

i thought i was missing out. i thought there would be someone better out there. But i'm an idiot, i've proven that so many times already. No matter how much of a bitch i was to him, he never really got angry at me. He was one of the nicest guys i've ever met. i know we had our problems, our differences, but after going out and experiencing other men, i know finding a nice guy who actually wants to be with me is almost impossible. All the other guys turn out to be assholes every time. i just wasn't ready back then for the relationship i had. i didn't understand what i had. But i do now.

~*maria*~

Never, Not Ever Again

i wrote this during one of my classes yesterday:

"There's a new boy. He's really nice. His name is Jared. i don't feel a thing for him. i should feel something. At least feel i don't want to date him or i do. But i feel nothing. i haven't been feeling anything for anyone lately. When John came to town and we hung out with Phil and Rachel, i didn't feel that usual camaraderie (that word looks weird) i usually feel for John. And i didn't feel that friendship i usually do with Rachel. i felt nothing. What if Kyle broke me? After a parade of guys, it finally caught up with me. i just simply gave up last week. And then i felt empty. Usually i would've held on to him and fought for him. But instead i just gave up. It kind of sucks."

Jared and i went on a date tonight. He was going to take me to Great Dane, but it was packed. We ended up going to Noodles which is where Kyle took me on our first date. i know i can't associate places with people, especially Kyle. But - and i know everyone will say that i shouldn't have done this, that i'm just making myself suffer more - but the entire night i just kept thinking that he's not Kyle. i know i can't compare other guys to him. No one will live up to him. At least that's how it feels right now. i mean Kyle had his flaws, he wasn't perfect or anything. It just comes down to the fact that, right now, i don't want anyone else but him. And i know that will fade. But until then, everyone just needs to let me whine and pine and cry over him.

Oh, i guess i'll finish the story. After dinner, we just came back to my place, watched a couple episodes of Firefly, and then he started kissing me (not that great of a kisser, btw). And then i told him i couldn't do it. i felt like an absolute asshole. i told him i just got dumped by a guy i really liked and i was hoping this numb feeling would go away, but it hasn't and it wouldn't be fair not to mention i just don't think i could handle jumping into a new relationship right now. Then he left.

~*maria*~

"Everything excellent is as difficult as it is rare."

i went to an AHA (Atheists, Humanists, and Agnostics) meeting tonight. It was fun and i will be going to more. But Kyle's very involved in the group. He ran the meeting tonight. i was talking with him afterward. i was just going to say hi and then go home. But he asked when i wanted to hang out again.

i'm not sure that's a good idea.

i've been thinking about it for the past couple days, and i really don't think i should hang out with him for a while. i mean i really want to but i don't know if that's because i really actually want to be friends with him or because i still have feelings for him and i truly believe he made a mistake by letting me go. i really do believe that. If it's just that i really want to be friends with him, then eventually i should be able to hang out with him without feeling like crap. But if it's solely the other reason then i know how us hanging out this weekend will end: With me crying. And i'm kind of sick of that.

i know what my friends would say. They'd say not to. And i know they're probably right. But will i listen to them? i'm not sure yet.

i didn't give him an answer. i told him i'd let him know for sure later.

~*maria*~

I'm A Warrior

i hung out with him all day. Watched him play Persona 4, ate food, fell asleep on his bed. He woke me up and told me he was going to take a shower. While he was gone, I sat and listened to his roommate who was on the phone with a guy friend talking about a girl. He was saying that the girl knew how the guy friend felt about her and has reciprocated, but i got the sense they weren't actually dating. She just wanted to be friends. i wanted to burst into Dillon's (the roommate) room, grab the phone, and tell his guy friend to run away. To not even try to be friends with this girl because he'd only get his heart ripped out and stomped on right in front of him. my eyes teared up and i realized - sitting in his room surrounded by his things, his smell, this place that used to make me so happy - i can't do this anymore. So i pulled my shoes on, slipped my sweatshirt over my head, threw my backpack over my shoulders, and waited. When Kyle came back, i gave him a proper goodbye and walked out of his life. i would like to be friends with him. But it hurts. i probably won't be gone from his life forever. But i'm done being the one making the effort. If he wants to see me, he knows how to get in touch with me. He knows i'm around.

i can't decide if i came to that decision to not put myself through such suffering because i'm not as strong as i used to be or if i just grew up. On one hand, this heartbreaking hit me a lot harder than the others and that points to me not being a strong as i used to be. But maybe it's not that. Maybe i'm stronger because even after all my shitty experiences with guys i still had enough balls to put my heart on the line. And stronger because i know where to draw the line, i know that the pain i would be putting myself through would not be worth it in the end. i'm a fucking warrior.

Something very coincidental happened tonight. We got chinese food for dinner. And when we opened our fortune cookies while sitting next to each other on his bed, mine was a pretty stupid fortune, but his said, "Stop searching forever. Happiness is right next to you." i laughed. What are the chances of that?

But anyway, i don't need a man. Relationships are always just doubt and disappointment. i've got awesome friends. Manda and Rachel really helped me out this entire last week, listening to me whine even though they probably could've told me this would happen from the start. But they knew i wouldn't listen. And so they were there to help me sweep up the pieces of my shattered heart, mostly with pizza and shots. What more could a girl ask for?

~*maria*~

But The Words You Served Destroyed My Planet. It's All My Fucking Fault.

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." But there's a problem with that. i've heard that said so many times, and it wasn't until i said it to myself that i actually realized what it meant. Nothing's meant to be. Nothing is predetermined. i have free control over my actions. i made a choice. i think that's one reason this one hit me so hard. i was seriously debating whether i should tell him what was on my mind. i told him i should just keep my mouth shut! (Why didn't you?! You're such a fucking idiot all the time. The only thing you're good at is screwing stuff up.)

But i didn't. i decided he was right. i decided it would be better if we just talked about it. my decision was wrong. i could've and should've just told him it didn't matter, curled up in his arms, and gone to sleep. i would've woken up the next morning feeling fine. i would've woken him up. We would've gotten lunch. He would've hugged me goodbye with one of his amazing hugs. And i would have gone home happy at three in the afternoon instead of balling my eyes out at three in the morning.

But i didn't keep my mouth shut.

And none of that happened.

Instead i spent all of Sunday in my bed, crying.

i still can't figure out what's wrong with me. Can't figure out what it is that attracts the guys and makes them like me and then suddenly just throw on the brakes. Maybe they just realize i'm not good enough. They could do so much better.

This one, this guy...Kyle...has given me a new theory about my life: The Unhappiness Principle.
Everytime i'm happy in a relationship (or a potential relationship which seems to be the case more than a real normal relationship) all of my friends' relationships fall apart. This last time with Kyle, at least four of my friends broke up with their significant others. And the opposite is true as well. Whenever i'm alone and unhappy, all of my friends are happy with their significant others, and everyone seems to have somebody. So maybe i have to be unhappy for everyone else to be happy through some epic cosmic causal relationship between me and the universe. It sounds crazy. It is crazy. But i need some way to cope with the fact that nothing ever works out in my favor.

Maybe the world would explode if a guy I had feelings for actually felt the same way.

Or maybe...

You know those people who seem to be the luckiest poeple ever? Like Rob was one. The luckiest man i've ever met. Everything always worked out in his favor. Well maybe in order to balance out the universe, there has to be equally unlucky people and i'm one. i'd be the queen of the Unluckys.

Or maybe the answer is semi-simpler, I just would hate to admit it. Maybe there is a God, and for some reason he just fucking hates me.

~*maria*~

Traaaaain. I'm A Traaaaaain.

He told me there is no chance we will ever be anything more than friends. i should've just kept my mouth shut.