But The Words You Served Destroyed My Planet. It's All My Fucking Fault.

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." But there's a problem with that. i've heard that said so many times, and it wasn't until i said it to myself that i actually realized what it meant. Nothing's meant to be. Nothing is predetermined. i have free control over my actions. i made a choice. i think that's one reason this one hit me so hard. i was seriously debating whether i should tell him what was on my mind. i told him i should just keep my mouth shut! (Why didn't you?! You're such a fucking idiot all the time. The only thing you're good at is screwing stuff up.)

But i didn't. i decided he was right. i decided it would be better if we just talked about it. my decision was wrong. i could've and should've just told him it didn't matter, curled up in his arms, and gone to sleep. i would've woken up the next morning feeling fine. i would've woken him up. We would've gotten lunch. He would've hugged me goodbye with one of his amazing hugs. And i would have gone home happy at three in the afternoon instead of balling my eyes out at three in the morning.

But i didn't keep my mouth shut.

And none of that happened.

Instead i spent all of Sunday in my bed, crying.

i still can't figure out what's wrong with me. Can't figure out what it is that attracts the guys and makes them like me and then suddenly just throw on the brakes. Maybe they just realize i'm not good enough. They could do so much better.

This one, this guy...Kyle...has given me a new theory about my life: The Unhappiness Principle.
Everytime i'm happy in a relationship (or a potential relationship which seems to be the case more than a real normal relationship) all of my friends' relationships fall apart. This last time with Kyle, at least four of my friends broke up with their significant others. And the opposite is true as well. Whenever i'm alone and unhappy, all of my friends are happy with their significant others, and everyone seems to have somebody. So maybe i have to be unhappy for everyone else to be happy through some epic cosmic causal relationship between me and the universe. It sounds crazy. It is crazy. But i need some way to cope with the fact that nothing ever works out in my favor.

Maybe the world would explode if a guy I had feelings for actually felt the same way.

Or maybe...

You know those people who seem to be the luckiest poeple ever? Like Rob was one. The luckiest man i've ever met. Everything always worked out in his favor. Well maybe in order to balance out the universe, there has to be equally unlucky people and i'm one. i'd be the queen of the Unluckys.

Or maybe the answer is semi-simpler, I just would hate to admit it. Maybe there is a God, and for some reason he just fucking hates me.

~*maria*~