"What are you holding out for? What's always in the way? Why so damn absent-minded? Why so scared of romance?"

i really miss you.  i never really told you this because it's hard for me to really voice my feelings these days, but i really care about you.  You're the first person who caused me to want to be better.  For the first time in 9 years, i actually wanted to get help for my depression because i didn't want to be that depressed girl for you.  i wanted to be happy for you.  i wasn't even like that with Joe or Kyle or anyone else.  We really weren't together for long at all but you are something special to me.  And all the stuff you said you needed to figure out, your anxiety and such, i could have been the supportive, stable person in your life you told me you needed.  i know what it's like to go through stuff like that, and it's no time to be alone.  i miss you.

~*maria*~

So Loved

Another St. Patrick's Day alone. It feels so cool that absolutely no one wants to hang out with me.

~*maria*~

It's Scumbag Christmas!

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhh

Screw. This. Shit.

~*maria*~

Message To Myself

Hey! Listen!


~*maria*~

Uku...Ladies? [FTFY]

**Warning: Ultra-drunk post ahead. Proceed with caution.**

Watching the man i used to be with up on stage playing the ukulele with the man i have a crush on now almost killed me (i know, i know. i wish i could have some time when i didn't have a crush on a guy. But at some point in the past couple months my brain has suddenly decided to latch onto this one. Fuck me).

So i started downing drinks like there's no tomorrow.
Because that's how i deal with emotional problems because i don't actually want to face my emotions because they're scary and stupid and i shouldn't have the ones i have but i have no clue how to get rid of them.

And now i'm really embarrassed because i got drunk in front of them on a Monday night. Good going sydnie. No wonder you're alone.

~*maria*~

P.S. I told him Kyle has seen me really drunk. Kyle said it was really funny. Yeah, funny because you can use me, lead me on, and then ditch me for some other frumpy girl. Yeah that's so fucking hilarious.

Oh my god I fucking hate February so much.

P.P.S. Oh wait, I get it. It's really funny because I'm always really forward when I'm drunk right? But I'll also never be with the man I want at that moment. Which means, for Kyle, it's so FUCKING HILARIOUS THAT I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER! YAY! You're right. That's so funny! Oh my god. Just flippin' hilarious.

Space

Can't you just leave me alone? Can't you get my subtle hints of pretty much ignoring you unless you come up to me? I'm sorry. I know you want to be friends, at least that's what you said but I don't believe anything you say anymore. The thing is you destroyed me worse than anyone has. You and the absolute completely wrong way you dealt with the situation hurt me so much that my entire way of approaching people and events has changed drastically. I just want to finally be done with it. I don't want to see you, talk to you, have to listen to all the stupid things happening in your life. I don't care. But I just can't get away. Every time I turn around, there you are. You even switched into one of my classes so now I have to see you three times a week. Goddamnit. I want to be friends (not for my or your benefit but simply because we have a lot of common friends now and it'll be difficult to hate you and still try to be friends with them) but that will never happen if I can't get some flippin' space.

Ugh. I hate February.

Two Unrelated Posts In One!

"Our ancestors made a choice: stability or clarity. They could have stability in their lives, but never truly know who we are or why we're here. However, if they choose the other, clarity, their lives would be difficult and trying. There would be much suffering and pain, no stability in their lives, but they would know and be able to reason and logic. They chose clarity because they knew they could achieve stability through clarity but clarity cannot be achieved through stability."




i really wish he'd call.

~*maria*~

p.s. {No Lies, Just Love} is seven years old. Happy birthday.