Moneyz

i don't have any money left. my parents are almost broke. i've been trying non-stop to get a job and it seems impossible. Fuck this shit, i'm going home.

~*maria*~

i'm Starting To Feel We Stay Together Out Of Fear Of Dying Alone

Last night i went out with Manda, Alex, and Phil who was only there for a little bit. We started talking about marriage and children and such. i told them all my feelings on marriage. i'm not doing it. i will live with a guy and spend the rest of my life with him, but i'm not marrying him. It screws everything up. And if we ever don't want to be together, we'd have to go through the lengthy and expensive process of divorce.

That's what i told them. Manda understood very well. Phil didn't. What i really wanted to add in there is this: With my track record with guys, it's a good idea for me not to get married because it's not like i'm going to be with any one guy for very long. But i couldn't. i didn't want to have that awkward silence because of Phil. i regret ever dating him. What the hell was wrong with me?!

~*maria*~

Rain

...i....

When the wind picked up, the fire spread
And the grapevine seemed left for dead
And the northern sky looked like the end of days
The end of days

And a wake-up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom
To warn us it's only a matter of time
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn

Bought some wine and some paper cups
Near your daughter's school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill, on a hill

We watched the plumes paint the sky gray
She laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be all right
That everything would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right

And the news reports
On the radio said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames
But I couldn't think
Of anywhere I would've rather been
To watch it all burn away
Burn away

And the firemen worked in double shifts
With prayers for rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time
--Grapevine Fires, Death Cab for Cutie

~*maria*~

Alex & Craig

i love Craig. He's so nice and funny(not to mention hot!). i had an amazing time in Mankato. i kinda want to go back and just hang out with Alex and Craig for a long time. Thursday night, after i arrived, we went to Alex's birthday party. It was full of people i didn't know and at first i was my usual nonsocial self. But then Alex got a couple drinks in me and i was the most social i've ever been. i wasn't nearly as drunk as i could've been, but i was drunk enough that i really didn't care about anything. It was wonderful. i was so happy. The room was spinning, i wanted to go to sleep, and i couldn't walk straight to save my life, but i was so fucking happy. Happier than i've been in a really long time. The next day i wanted to drink again so i could be happy again. i still want to drink. Alcoholic anyone?

It was so nice to get away from this place. Don't even get me started on Milwaukee/MIAD, because i'm going to cry if i think about it.

~*maria*~

my Konstantine Came Walking Down The Stairs

We hung out last night. It wasn't too bad. There were moments when it was a little awkward, but it was less awkward than before. We went to a movie (City of Ember, it was okay) and then back to Freddie's for Halo. It was nice. And for once i didn't go home crying.

Tomorrow i am going up to Minnesota as soon as John gets home. i don't think i'm coming home until Sunday. i'm excited. i get to see Alex and meet his boyfriend, Craig. i'll let you know what i think of him.

~*maria*~

Arms Outstretched Trying To Take Flight

Driving is one of the few things that actually make me happy as of late. i feel so free speeding down an open road as blurs of red and orange make stripes in the sky. Fall is a very close second when it comes to my favorite seasons. Winter's the first.

i keep dreaming about him and i hate it. Good, wonderful things always happen in these dreams. It's annoying. It makes me not want to sleep.

~*maria*~

i Can't Compete With All Your Damn Ideas

i'm too depressed to focus so i can't actually get anything done. i hate it. i've wanted to punch everyone who opens their mouths to talk to me. And every time i think about when he called, i feel like punching the nearest concrete wall i can find. But i don't feel like crying. i do, however, feel like screaming "fuck" in the faces of every baby i come across until they all cry for me.

This isn't going very well.

~*maria*~

i Was So Scared Of Everything You Put In Front Of me

He called while i was playing Maps. He explained. He says he doesn't want to date right now. Of course i take it as he doesn't want to date *me* right now. Even if he had proof that isn't how he meant it, i'd take it that way anyway. Because i hate myself that much.

My mother called immediately after. She said maybe i could win him over with time. It won't happen, but i said maybe anyway. She thinks there's a guy out there for me. i'm not so sure.

Phil was right, so long ago. People can't make you happy. i've only got myself to rely on. Shit.

~*maria*~

You'll Fall For Every Empty Word i Say

As he rounded the corner, i hated myself a little more. i held it together. Until i got in my car. i cried harder than i've ever cried before. i prayed harder than i've ever prayed before. But it won't do any good. i don't really think he's listening anymore. i cried all the way here and some more when i got here. Now i feel like jumping out my window. Two stories wasn't enough, is four?

~*maria*~

She's The Best Thing You Have Had

i'm worried. i'm worried i screwed up something good, like i often do. Although, he told Freddie he wanted to see a movie later in the week, but i have yet to determine if that included me, even though Freddie invited me along. On one hand, i want to see him, talk to him, so i can figure out how it's going to be, how he's going to act around me. But on the other hand, i never want to see him again. i never want to talk to him ever again. i never want to think about him ever again. But my personality won't allow me to do any of those things. my talent is fucking things up. i'm a pro.

~*maria*~

Give me A Reason To End This Discussion

Without him, i really have nothing to blog about. How pathetic is that?

~*maria*~

Failure Revisited

" i'm so glad she had the courage that i will never possess again."

i had a slight bout of courage at about 6:30 this morning. It made me realize why i lost all my courage in the first place. Even if you have the courage to change your life, it does not mean it will. i've known for a long time that if i wanted my life to be different i couldn't just sit around and wait for it to change, i needed to do something about it. So i did. And i'm worse off than i was before. i didn't even cry. i laughed the rest of the 45 minutes home. Probably because it all went exactly how i thought it would. But the thin sliver of hope that people had given to me, that i had given myself, was crushed within seconds. i have yet to cry.

"Take a chance because you never know how absolutely perfect something could be." That's complete bullshit. i have nothing but disappointment left.

~*maria*~

Failure

i'm a complete and total idiot.

~*maria*~

Don't Call my Name Out Your Window, i'm Leaving

i hate him. i hate myself more for still liking him after everything that's happened. High school was so simple. i hate this place. i would give anything to be back in Madison. i don't even miss my family or friends, i just miss Madison. i miss having something constant in my life, and that was Madison. i knew it well. i found comfort, solace in it. i felt like i belonged when i was there. i never knew i loved it so much. i guess you never know the amazing things until they're gone.

She stood up last night, in front of a room full of strangers and told her deepest pain she had. It made her happy. It made me sad. It made me realize that i've become so detached from everyone that i don't even know how to tell my secrets anymore. i'm so glad she had the courage that i will never possess again.

~*maria*~