I'm A Warrior

i hung out with him all day. Watched him play Persona 4, ate food, fell asleep on his bed. He woke me up and told me he was going to take a shower. While he was gone, I sat and listened to his roommate who was on the phone with a guy friend talking about a girl. He was saying that the girl knew how the guy friend felt about her and has reciprocated, but i got the sense they weren't actually dating. She just wanted to be friends. i wanted to burst into Dillon's (the roommate) room, grab the phone, and tell his guy friend to run away. To not even try to be friends with this girl because he'd only get his heart ripped out and stomped on right in front of him. my eyes teared up and i realized - sitting in his room surrounded by his things, his smell, this place that used to make me so happy - i can't do this anymore. So i pulled my shoes on, slipped my sweatshirt over my head, threw my backpack over my shoulders, and waited. When Kyle came back, i gave him a proper goodbye and walked out of his life. i would like to be friends with him. But it hurts. i probably won't be gone from his life forever. But i'm done being the one making the effort. If he wants to see me, he knows how to get in touch with me. He knows i'm around.

i can't decide if i came to that decision to not put myself through such suffering because i'm not as strong as i used to be or if i just grew up. On one hand, this heartbreaking hit me a lot harder than the others and that points to me not being a strong as i used to be. But maybe it's not that. Maybe i'm stronger because even after all my shitty experiences with guys i still had enough balls to put my heart on the line. And stronger because i know where to draw the line, i know that the pain i would be putting myself through would not be worth it in the end. i'm a fucking warrior.

Something very coincidental happened tonight. We got chinese food for dinner. And when we opened our fortune cookies while sitting next to each other on his bed, mine was a pretty stupid fortune, but his said, "Stop searching forever. Happiness is right next to you." i laughed. What are the chances of that?

But anyway, i don't need a man. Relationships are always just doubt and disappointment. i've got awesome friends. Manda and Rachel really helped me out this entire last week, listening to me whine even though they probably could've told me this would happen from the start. But they knew i wouldn't listen. And so they were there to help me sweep up the pieces of my shattered heart, mostly with pizza and shots. What more could a girl ask for?

~*maria*~

But The Words You Served Destroyed My Planet. It's All My Fucking Fault.

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." But there's a problem with that. i've heard that said so many times, and it wasn't until i said it to myself that i actually realized what it meant. Nothing's meant to be. Nothing is predetermined. i have free control over my actions. i made a choice. i think that's one reason this one hit me so hard. i was seriously debating whether i should tell him what was on my mind. i told him i should just keep my mouth shut! (Why didn't you?! You're such a fucking idiot all the time. The only thing you're good at is screwing stuff up.)

But i didn't. i decided he was right. i decided it would be better if we just talked about it. my decision was wrong. i could've and should've just told him it didn't matter, curled up in his arms, and gone to sleep. i would've woken up the next morning feeling fine. i would've woken him up. We would've gotten lunch. He would've hugged me goodbye with one of his amazing hugs. And i would have gone home happy at three in the afternoon instead of balling my eyes out at three in the morning.

But i didn't keep my mouth shut.

And none of that happened.

Instead i spent all of Sunday in my bed, crying.

i still can't figure out what's wrong with me. Can't figure out what it is that attracts the guys and makes them like me and then suddenly just throw on the brakes. Maybe they just realize i'm not good enough. They could do so much better.

This one, this guy...Kyle...has given me a new theory about my life: The Unhappiness Principle.
Everytime i'm happy in a relationship (or a potential relationship which seems to be the case more than a real normal relationship) all of my friends' relationships fall apart. This last time with Kyle, at least four of my friends broke up with their significant others. And the opposite is true as well. Whenever i'm alone and unhappy, all of my friends are happy with their significant others, and everyone seems to have somebody. So maybe i have to be unhappy for everyone else to be happy through some epic cosmic causal relationship between me and the universe. It sounds crazy. It is crazy. But i need some way to cope with the fact that nothing ever works out in my favor.

Maybe the world would explode if a guy I had feelings for actually felt the same way.

Or maybe...

You know those people who seem to be the luckiest poeple ever? Like Rob was one. The luckiest man i've ever met. Everything always worked out in his favor. Well maybe in order to balance out the universe, there has to be equally unlucky people and i'm one. i'd be the queen of the Unluckys.

Or maybe the answer is semi-simpler, I just would hate to admit it. Maybe there is a God, and for some reason he just fucking hates me.

~*maria*~

Traaaaain. I'm A Traaaaaain.

He told me there is no chance we will ever be anything more than friends. i should've just kept my mouth shut.

All This Bitterness Is Starting To Grow Cold

i really really really don't want to do this again. i should just stop now. i'll just stop hanging out with him. It'll save me a lot of heartbreak down the road. Because i've been through this multiple times. i know what's going to happen. Eventually he'll find a better girl or he'll just cut all ties. That's what happens every time. If a guy isn't ready to date you right away, he never will be. So why waste my time. Why go through these nights of feeling like shit? i should just quit while i'm ahead. Yeah. Maybe someday i'll find a guy who actually likes me. i doubt it, but i can dream.

~*maria*~

Hey, Hey, Hey, We're All Gonna Die Someday

Maybe i'm just having a bad day. But don't i deserve some kind of happiness in the guy department. i mean i know everyone has had their bad breakups and stuff, but look at my history. i think it's kind of rough compared to other people's.

Tom - led me on, chose his current wife over me; still tries to fuck me
Phil - dated me on and off and the final time he broke up with me said, "I never really liked you, I just didn't like to see you cry"
Luca - led me on, said he didn't want to date me because he was still hung up on his ex
Mark - the only kind one in the group; flat out said he didn't want to date me
Joe - we never really liked each other; the only guy i broke it off with
--WoW guys--
Drak - really liked me but eventually just stopped talking
Rob - led me on, said he liked me, said he had too much stuff going on in his life
Javi - just wanted to fuck me
Rezi - he was just lonely, completely cut ties with me in the course of a weekend

Why couldn't Kyle have just been a normal guy? One who actually liked the idea of dating me. One who said, hey we like each other, let's date. i was so excited when i thought this was actually going to be a normal relationship. But of course not! That's not how my life works. And i fucking hate it.

~*maria*~