Another Year

{No Lies, Just Love} is like four years old now. Jesus. That's a long time.

Last night was great. i had the best cuddling of my life. i didn't want it to end.

~*maria*~

Seth Green

i had an awesome dream about Seth Green last night. He and i hung out and ate together. He is so cool... ...in my head at least. It was kickass. And it was a wonderful change of pace to not dream about whatshisface.

~*maria*~

i MIss You

i don't feel at home anywhere unless i'm surrounded by people i love.

"If i loved you, well, that's my fault."

~*maria*~
--Lenders In The Temple, Conor Oberst

Pizza

Without me asking, or without even telling me, he picked all the pepperoni off one half of the pizza before cooking it. It was one of the coolest, sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.

~*maria*~

i Just Hope That You're Listening And Hope That You Believe me

It's been a while. I finished school today and have a month off. I'm excited to sleep in.

i don't really have much to write about. Aside from me still struggling with feelings for whatshisface, everything seems to be going okay in my life. i mean i'm still depressed and would rather not be here, but i'm coping. i made a really sweet painting today for my Visual Statement class.

~*maria*~

Old Piano

Eleven days left in the semester. i wish it was over now. i really enjoyed Thanksgiving break. i did nothing. It was great.

~*maria*~

Let's Get It On

i had a good day. And i'm having a good night. It's probably just because i know tomorrow's the last day of school this week.

And the reason i'm having a good day you ask? This morning, in Writing, faux Moses played Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye. And he kept repeating that first snippet of guitar. Sexiest guitar part ever. Sexiest song ever. Every time i hear it, i feel i should be sitting with some guy in front of a fireplace on a fur rug. Or maybe that's where i wish i was. Hah. Sex on a fur rug doesn't sound too bad.

~*maria*~

Not For A Lack Of Trying

i'm not doing very well. We came over to Freddie's to not be bored, and now i just want to go home and be bored. i want to scream. i've said it so many times before, but i hate this place. More than anything. But no one gets it. John hates me because i'm sick of Halo 3 and want to play Halo the original one. It's not my fault i get bored of things we do over and over and over and over and over and over and over. i've always been like that. i can't play the same things for a very long time. And he keeps talking about whatshisface. i don't want to hear about him anymore. Then i think about him. And then i start to cry.

i miss my friends. i miss the people who were used to me having a short attention span and whose attention spans were as long as mine. i miss Rachel.

~*maria*~

Beautiful Burning Bridges

We were talking about where "Cortana incarnate" came from last night and John couldn't believe he called me that. Moses couldn't either. i guess the only thing Cortana and i have in common is that we're both chicks. Except not really, because she's not even a real human being.

i was pretty much an ass to Freddie last night so i don't really think he likes me too much right now. It's for the better. It'll be easier when i leave.

Every time i think about my life i feel completely hopeless. And every time i think about him, i feel like someone is tearing my heart into little pieces. i wouldn't be sad if i never saw or talked to anyone here ever again. There's nothing keeping me here. i just want to leave.

~*maria*~

Let Down

Freddie disappointed me. i wanted to see that movie and he said we were definitely going. And i saw Mark, and watched a movie with him. It made me sad.

On a better note, i love Blythe. She's a new friend from MIAD. She's amazing. Her and i think a lot alike and she's a lot of fun.

~*maria*~

Snow

i don't care if i'm single for the rest of my life. i mean that would suck a lot, but i've already prepared myself for it. The thing i'm terrified of is being the only single person in my group of friends. A friend from MIAD, who's my age, just got engaged to her boyfriend of three years. i can't even comprehend being with someone that long. Why didn't she get bored? i would have. How did they not start annoying the hell out of each other? i guess i just don't understand it.

~*maria*~

Just, Please, Don't Leave Me Guessing

Oh man, what a weekend. It sucked.

Friday I was really excited because Manda, Mandy, and i were going to Alex's for the weekend. At 3, i met them in Johnson Creek and i hopped in Manda's car and we were off. We got to Poynette and Manda let me take over driving because she can't see very well at night. So we're going and we get to about a mile before Oakdale and the charge battery and temperature lights came on and the steering starts locking up. So i pull off on the Oakdale exit and it stops working at the top of the ramp. Mandy and i get out and push it to a gas station/Subway. We open it up, and turns out a belt was shredded and needed to be replaced. This happened at about 5. So Mandy and i went into Subway and were deciding what we wanted to eat when the employee, Larry, started hitting on us. He said we both had beautiful smiles and we were lovely ladies. Fucking creep. While this is happening, Manda's outside talking to some guy who was going to fix the car, but he had to run back to his shop to get the right belt. So Mandy and i get food and we start eating and Manda comes in but she wasn't hungry. While we were eating Lare Bear (Larry) came over and talked to us the entire time. He insulted Madison a lot. That pissed me off. i love Madison. And he's from fucking Oakdale! No one even knows where the fuck that is!

Anyway. After we finished eating we went into the smoking room and were sitting, smoking, and fooling around while we waited for the guy to come back with the belt. In comes Lare Bear and starts talking to us again. He even smoked some of our cigarettes. WTF. Manda eventually went back out to meet the guy with the belt. So Lare Bear is in there with Mandy and i talking about all sorts of stuff that you don't talk about with people you just met. Especially if they're your fucking customers. He was saying we were wild and that we needed someone to tame us. Mandy said she had a boyfriend and that i didn't. For some reason Lare Bear brought transvestites up in the conversation and i said i didn't mind them. He then said i was one of those freaks who would try anything once. i told him i'm open to new things but that doesn't mean i'm a freak. He was really starting to piss me off. What the hell possesses someone to call another person a freak when you don't know anything about them?! Then. He called me a "freak in the sheets." What. The. Fuck. i don't really remember much about that part of the conversation. i was more focused on not punching him than listening.

Then he started saying how fucked up his life was and how his ex-wife was a bitch and that he had aggression issues. At this point, i just started making shit up. i told him i was an orphan, born in Australia, and some couple over here adopted me. And that i spent a long time in a mental hospital. At first when i said i was an orphan, Mandy laughed really hard. Finally, very shortly after that, Manda came back in and said we could go. Thank god. As we were getting our shit together, Lare Bear said this: "I'm really glad I got to know you lovely ladies, especially you (he looks at me). If I thought you weren't going to tell me to go to hell, I'd ask for your number." Oh. My. God. Stab me in the face. i thought i was going to throw up. i laughed at him and said i don't give my number to anyone. Ever.

So we got the fuck out of there. Everything seemed to be going well. We went over the Mississippi and Manda told me i should bang Freddie. That was a weird conversation.

At LaCrosse, we had a quarter of a tank of gas left. i figured we could stop when we got over the Mississippi. Apparently, for like 30 miles past the Mississippi, there aren't any gas stations. Fucking Minnesota. We kept getting off on every exit and there was nothing. Eventually we saw a sign for a BP... ...ten miles away. Great thanks. i knew we weren't going to make it, but we tried anyway. At mile marker 237, the car died. For the second time in the night, but of course for a different reason. We sat there for a little bit and wondered what to do. Mandy told us we needed to call the police, but of course we had no clue what the phone number was and we didn't want to call 911 since it wasn't really an emergency. So i called Freddie and had him look up the number. After he did that for us, Mandy called them and told them where we were and they said they'd send a state trooper to bring us some gas. After that, Manda went outside and peed. We gaurded her. They said it would take 15-20 minutes, so Manda and i broke out some cigarettes and Manday smoked half a cigar, then dropped it and almost set the car on fire. She's not allowed to smoke in there anymore.

Finally, the guy showed up. It was a 5' 3" tow truck driver who looked like a fucking lawn gnome. He was a real dick too. He asked us how we ran out of gas. Uh, duh, we drove and Minnesota doesn't believe in gas stations. So he gave us a gallon or two and then lead us to a gas station. Then he charged us $50. Bastard. Lawn gnomes are flippin' evil. We got gas, paid the guy, and were finally on our way again. Only about an hour and a half away from Alex. We rocked out the rest of the way there thanks to Mandy's awesome DJ'ing. Finally, after an 8.5 hour trip that should have only taken 6 hours, we saw Mankato rise over the horizon like heaven. It was beautiful. We went to Stacey's and immediately told Alex the entire story. Then we started drinking.

We played some drinking games, which i wasn't too terrible at. And we all got a little drunk. Or not so little drunk. Maybe like a lot drunk. Although, i didn't get that drunk. i fell asleep before everyone else because alcohol makes me really tired and dizzy. Everyone loves me when i'm drunk, apparently. Supposedly, i'm ridiculously fun and extroverted when i'm drunk. Which makes sense.

Saturday, i woke up and took a shower after Mandy. Then we woke Manda up and went to lunch with Craig. Who still ceases to amaze me by the way. i applaud Alex. Craig is quite the catch. He makes me want to be a gay man. Anyway. We went back to Alex's dorm and Manda took a nap because she felt like shit. Mandy, Alex, and i played air hockey, went bowling, and then played some ping pong. We went back to his dorm and played Pervertopoly with Manda. Alex and i tied. We went to dinner with Stacey and then Mandy, Manda, and i left for home.

i was driving again, which was awesome. i love driving. Now comes the part that ruined the entire fucking trip. Manda's car blew a fuse and all the dashboard lights went out. But we could keep driving so i told her that it blew a fuse but i was going to turn the interior lights on so i can see the speedometer and keep driving. She told me to pull over. i told her that we knew exactly what was wrong and there was nothing we could do about it in the middle of Minnesota so we should just keep driving. She made me pull into a Dairy Queen parking lot because she "just wanted to look at it." i kept telling her there was nothing to do about it, but she wouldn't listen. So she popped the hood, which isn't even where the fuses are and called her mom. Her mom was being a bitch so they got in a major bitchfest and started screaming at each other. Mandy and i sat in her car, pissed off, and freezing. She came back to the car and said there was nothing we could do and started driving again. That was it for me. i got so pissed off because if she would've just listened to me, we would be in Wisconsin closer to home. i just curled up in the backseat and went to sleep. i rid myself of her and her problems.

They dropped me off in Madison, and i told John the epic tale on our way to our house in Middleton. There i cuddled with Captain Marvel and Nala, watched half of Casino Royale, and then slept. i figured the next day i'd see Quantum of Solace with Freddie and everything would be great. Hah! The minute something works out in my life, i'm going to shit myself.

The next day came. i texted Freddie and he said he was at Mark's watching the Packers game. First off. Football? Really? You're going to waste your time with football and Mark instead of seeing an awesome movie with me? What a vagina. And he said Mark wants to see it too so i was like let's go. He said they wanted to postpone it. Then he said there was talk of playing Halo at his house. 1) i am so fucking sick of playing Halo. It's all we ever do. What happened to playing Diablo and Warcraft III?! 2) My box is broken and Mark had to study for tests because he's never heard of time management so we'd have four people on one box. i can't do that. My eyes and brain can't handle four people on one screen, even Freddie's giant one. So we didn't do anything and i got really depressed because i was really looking forward to seeing the movie. And i was looking forward to seeing Mark because after the weekend i had just had, i needed someone to make me smile. Except he's the entire reason i went to Minnesota and i told myself i wasn't going to see him after this weekend.

So that's my epic tale. The Minnesota Tale. And now the only thing i want to do is crawl in my bed and never, ever, ever get up. But of course i have school. School that i fucking hate more than anything. My life is so screwed up right now, it's not even funny.

~*maria*~

i Always Heard That What Is Done Is Done

i just made myself almost cry. i'm so pathetic. i'm in a better mood today than i have been. i finally talked to someone about this whole Mark thing last night. It was nice. i never really talk about anything with people. They don't really care. i wish i was one of those people who could instantly forget about him. But Jordan was right, it shows it's not just an infatuation. Especially because it's coming up on two years i've liked him. God, i'm so fucking pathetic.

~*maria*~

El Cielo es azul | Just don't go telling everyone

i've been trying, the past few nights, to see him. i'm not sure how well it will work, but this weekend i'm going up to Minnesota again, and when i get back, i'm going to try not to see him anymore. At least for a while. It's the only way. It sucks, but it's true.

i have found a beautiful, amazing song.

Saw an eagle on a pole
I think it was an eagle
Watched its shadow fly across the cement
I woke up in the snow
All the trees were crowds of people
No coat, no shoes, no idea where they went

I followed the fence line thin
Back where the yard begins
My woman, she stood crying like a man
Said, "Where have you been
Where have you been?"
I thought you said that all of that was done
El cielo es azul
Just don't go telling everyone

Thought the kettle was a train
Thought that Monday was a door frame
I tried so hard to finally settle down
Heard the fire pop and snap
Like a tack piano rag
I never could get used to happy sounds

But I hope the world's exposed
A cruel and elaborate hoax
That convinces me to walk without a cane
But what can you do
What can you do
I always heard that what is done is done
El cielo es azul
Just don't go telling everyone

The past don't ever quit
There's boxes in the attic
Baby shoes and taxidermy dreams
While the ashes of the dead, like a dandelion head
Explode and then are scattered by the breeze
And it's such a long way back to all the fun I had
When nothing ever seemed to bother me
But what can you do
Child, what can you do
Sleep beneath the stars, and toil in the sun

El cielo es azul
Just don't go telling everyone
El cielo es azul
Just don't go telling everyone
-- Eagle On A Pole, Conor Oberst

~*maria*~

Decisions

i've decided. No one's worth this. Ever. i can't stay here. i am slowly killing myself. So unless my experience at MIAD changes drastically next year, i'm going to Mankato. i can get away from him and no one will even notice i'm gone. i kind of just want to go now. i hope i'm not making a mistake. But after this weekend, it feels completely right. i just can't do this anymore.

~*maria*~

Plans

A while ago he was talking about taking a job in Chicago. He didn't. But he also said he had plans for his life. i've found myself hoping those plans involve him leaving. Then i would have absolutely nothing keeping me here and i could leave. It's not like i'm just staying here because of him, that would be fucking retarded. If i knew for a fact i wouldn't miss him, i'd have left already. The shitty thing is that there is absolutely nothing else keeping me here. i wouldn't miss any of these other people. i wouldn't miss this place. i hate this place. And i'm completely sure that no one here would miss me, so why am i still here? If i were to sever all ties with him, it would have to be covert. i couldn't just ignore him like i have with the other guys. i'd have to move somewhere far from here. There wouldn't be any other way of doing it because if i am going to sever ties with him without moving, i'd have to sever pretty much all ties with all my other friends out here. i couldn't play Halo with them anymore for a long time so i wouldn't see Moses and on usual occasions, whenever i'm with Freddie, he's there too. Other than them, i don't really have any close friends out here that i see on a regular basis. But if i went to Minnesota, i would actually be with people i care about and who care about me. That's something i haven't had in a long time. The bottom line is that i'm tired of spending nights alone and crying in my apartment while everyone else is out having fun. All of this is so fucked up. i have never been this unhappy in all my life.

The kitchen is cold
But the coffee is warm
The sun is coming up
The day has just begun
And you are already bored

You're bored of cheering me up
Bored of calming me down
Bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one

You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall
In the dark of the hall
That I'm still fumbling for

Because I'm lost in the black
I don't know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front
And I'm calling your name just as loud as I can

And I know there's words that we will never speak
And the questions can't be answered easily
But I want it to be easy

So nod you head if the plans have changed
Shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just, please
Don't leave me guessing

So you made me come
Then you sent me away
Like a messenger bird
So I circled the earth
Blown away in the wind
But I always returned

With some new little song
Some sad story to tell
Of a brief love affair
With a girl I compared to you
And she failed

You said you don't want me to beg
Then said "Get down on your knees,"
'Cause you knew that I would
If I'd do any good
Satisfying your needs

And I know all about those things we cannot speak
And just so you know, well
They don't bother me
So you don't have to be worried

Just nod your head if the plans have changed
Shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just, please
Don't keep me waiting

Just nod your head if your mind's been changed
Shake it, love, if some hope remains
Just say the word and of course I'll stay
Roll you eyes and I'll go away
Just, please
Don't leave me guessing
Just, please
Don't keep me waiting
--Messenger Bird's Song, Bright Eyes

~*maria*~

Going Home

i'm back, my old friend. i hate this place. Every time i look out my window and see downtown, i feel like throwing up. i hate Milwaukee, and i can't stand being here anymore.

i really just want to go home and play Halo. That's what i did all weekend and it was wonderful. i'm really tempted to leave, but i've already missed so much of my next class.

~*maria*~

Why Can't We Give Love One More Chance

i have a soft spot for Freddie Mercury. His voice is amazing, and we have the same birthday. And he was gay. i wish he wasn't dead. And then there's David Bowie, whose voice is also amazing. This is one of the best collaborations ever seen in music history.

Pressure, pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure, that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming `Let me out'
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people, people on streets

Chipping around, kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours
People on streets, people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about,
Watching some good friends
Screaming `Let me out'
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people, people on streets

Turned away from it all, like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn
Why why why?
Love love love love

Insanity laughs, under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love one more chance
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love

Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance

This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure
--Under Pressure, David Bowie & Queen

~*maria*~

Moneyz

i don't have any money left. my parents are almost broke. i've been trying non-stop to get a job and it seems impossible. Fuck this shit, i'm going home.

~*maria*~

i'm Starting To Feel We Stay Together Out Of Fear Of Dying Alone

Last night i went out with Manda, Alex, and Phil who was only there for a little bit. We started talking about marriage and children and such. i told them all my feelings on marriage. i'm not doing it. i will live with a guy and spend the rest of my life with him, but i'm not marrying him. It screws everything up. And if we ever don't want to be together, we'd have to go through the lengthy and expensive process of divorce.

That's what i told them. Manda understood very well. Phil didn't. What i really wanted to add in there is this: With my track record with guys, it's a good idea for me not to get married because it's not like i'm going to be with any one guy for very long. But i couldn't. i didn't want to have that awkward silence because of Phil. i regret ever dating him. What the hell was wrong with me?!

~*maria*~

Rain

...i....

When the wind picked up, the fire spread
And the grapevine seemed left for dead
And the northern sky looked like the end of days
The end of days

And a wake-up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom
To warn us it's only a matter of time
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn

Bought some wine and some paper cups
Near your daughter's school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill, on a hill

We watched the plumes paint the sky gray
She laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be all right
That everything would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right
Would be all right

And the news reports
On the radio said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames
But I couldn't think
Of anywhere I would've rather been
To watch it all burn away
Burn away

And the firemen worked in double shifts
With prayers for rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time
--Grapevine Fires, Death Cab for Cutie

~*maria*~

Alex & Craig

i love Craig. He's so nice and funny(not to mention hot!). i had an amazing time in Mankato. i kinda want to go back and just hang out with Alex and Craig for a long time. Thursday night, after i arrived, we went to Alex's birthday party. It was full of people i didn't know and at first i was my usual nonsocial self. But then Alex got a couple drinks in me and i was the most social i've ever been. i wasn't nearly as drunk as i could've been, but i was drunk enough that i really didn't care about anything. It was wonderful. i was so happy. The room was spinning, i wanted to go to sleep, and i couldn't walk straight to save my life, but i was so fucking happy. Happier than i've been in a really long time. The next day i wanted to drink again so i could be happy again. i still want to drink. Alcoholic anyone?

It was so nice to get away from this place. Don't even get me started on Milwaukee/MIAD, because i'm going to cry if i think about it.

~*maria*~

my Konstantine Came Walking Down The Stairs

We hung out last night. It wasn't too bad. There were moments when it was a little awkward, but it was less awkward than before. We went to a movie (City of Ember, it was okay) and then back to Freddie's for Halo. It was nice. And for once i didn't go home crying.

Tomorrow i am going up to Minnesota as soon as John gets home. i don't think i'm coming home until Sunday. i'm excited. i get to see Alex and meet his boyfriend, Craig. i'll let you know what i think of him.

~*maria*~

Arms Outstretched Trying To Take Flight

Driving is one of the few things that actually make me happy as of late. i feel so free speeding down an open road as blurs of red and orange make stripes in the sky. Fall is a very close second when it comes to my favorite seasons. Winter's the first.

i keep dreaming about him and i hate it. Good, wonderful things always happen in these dreams. It's annoying. It makes me not want to sleep.

~*maria*~

i Can't Compete With All Your Damn Ideas

i'm too depressed to focus so i can't actually get anything done. i hate it. i've wanted to punch everyone who opens their mouths to talk to me. And every time i think about when he called, i feel like punching the nearest concrete wall i can find. But i don't feel like crying. i do, however, feel like screaming "fuck" in the faces of every baby i come across until they all cry for me.

This isn't going very well.

~*maria*~

i Was So Scared Of Everything You Put In Front Of me

He called while i was playing Maps. He explained. He says he doesn't want to date right now. Of course i take it as he doesn't want to date *me* right now. Even if he had proof that isn't how he meant it, i'd take it that way anyway. Because i hate myself that much.

My mother called immediately after. She said maybe i could win him over with time. It won't happen, but i said maybe anyway. She thinks there's a guy out there for me. i'm not so sure.

Phil was right, so long ago. People can't make you happy. i've only got myself to rely on. Shit.

~*maria*~

You'll Fall For Every Empty Word i Say

As he rounded the corner, i hated myself a little more. i held it together. Until i got in my car. i cried harder than i've ever cried before. i prayed harder than i've ever prayed before. But it won't do any good. i don't really think he's listening anymore. i cried all the way here and some more when i got here. Now i feel like jumping out my window. Two stories wasn't enough, is four?

~*maria*~

She's The Best Thing You Have Had

i'm worried. i'm worried i screwed up something good, like i often do. Although, he told Freddie he wanted to see a movie later in the week, but i have yet to determine if that included me, even though Freddie invited me along. On one hand, i want to see him, talk to him, so i can figure out how it's going to be, how he's going to act around me. But on the other hand, i never want to see him again. i never want to talk to him ever again. i never want to think about him ever again. But my personality won't allow me to do any of those things. my talent is fucking things up. i'm a pro.

~*maria*~

Give me A Reason To End This Discussion

Without him, i really have nothing to blog about. How pathetic is that?

~*maria*~

Failure Revisited

" i'm so glad she had the courage that i will never possess again."

i had a slight bout of courage at about 6:30 this morning. It made me realize why i lost all my courage in the first place. Even if you have the courage to change your life, it does not mean it will. i've known for a long time that if i wanted my life to be different i couldn't just sit around and wait for it to change, i needed to do something about it. So i did. And i'm worse off than i was before. i didn't even cry. i laughed the rest of the 45 minutes home. Probably because it all went exactly how i thought it would. But the thin sliver of hope that people had given to me, that i had given myself, was crushed within seconds. i have yet to cry.

"Take a chance because you never know how absolutely perfect something could be." That's complete bullshit. i have nothing but disappointment left.

~*maria*~

Failure

i'm a complete and total idiot.

~*maria*~

Don't Call my Name Out Your Window, i'm Leaving

i hate him. i hate myself more for still liking him after everything that's happened. High school was so simple. i hate this place. i would give anything to be back in Madison. i don't even miss my family or friends, i just miss Madison. i miss having something constant in my life, and that was Madison. i knew it well. i found comfort, solace in it. i felt like i belonged when i was there. i never knew i loved it so much. i guess you never know the amazing things until they're gone.

She stood up last night, in front of a room full of strangers and told her deepest pain she had. It made her happy. It made me sad. It made me realize that i've become so detached from everyone that i don't even know how to tell my secrets anymore. i'm so glad she had the courage that i will never possess again.

~*maria*~

Piercings And Kisses

i got my eyebrow pierced. It's tits. Eventually i'll do my lip too, but that'll hurt like a mother fucker so i'll probably wait a while. Maybe next year for my birthday.

i hate my dreams. So much. Every time i sleep i see him. And wonderful things happen. Thursday night he kissed me. And it was wonderful. Friday night he held my hand when i was sad. It was also wonderful. It's just so difficult to wake up after those dreams to this life where nothing goes right and shitty things keep happening. To go from being ridiculously happy to being ridiculously depressed in mere milliseconds as i realize it was only a dream kills me a little more every time.

As i was walking past MSOE this morning i decided that the next chance i get, i'm telling him. Then at least i can hear him say he doesn't want me and can forget about him.

~*maria*~

Happy Moments

He doesn't care. I know he doesn't. But that doesn't mean i can forget about him any easier. It's killing me. i can't...don't want to do this anymore. i don't even want to be around him anymore because after a few hours i become so depressed i almost start crying with everyone around. But i still want to see him all the time. i don't want to be here anymore. i hate college. i hate this apartment. i hate this city. i hate these people. i miss Madison. i miss driving around downtown when i was depressed. i miss the people and their crappy driving.

i drank a Vault tonight. Now i remember why i stopped. It reminds me of too many happy moments.

~*maria*~

Bleh!

College sucks. It's not that what we're doing is any harder, it's just that we don't get as much time to do it as in high school. It's annoying. i don't have any time to sort all this shit in my head out.

~*maria*~

The Walls Caved In Tonight

I'm caught
Somewhere in between
Alive
And living a dream.
No peace
Just clicking machines
In the quiet of compazine.
The walls caved in on me.

And she sings
My bird dressed in white.
And she stings
My arm in the night.
I lay still
Still I'm ready to fight.
Have my lungs
But you can't take my sight.
The walls caved in
Tonight.

And out here
I watch the sun circle the earth
The marrows collide in rebirth
In God's glory praise
The spirit calls out from the caves.
The walls fell and there I lay
Saved.

The walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
The doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me

Beat my body like a rag doll
you stuck the needles in my hip
Said 'we're not gonna lie
Son, you just might die
Get you on that morphine drip, drip'

The walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
The doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me

I fought a war to walk a gang plank
Into a life I left behind
Windows leading to the past
Think it's time I broke some glass
Get this history off my mind

And what if we were married forever?
Like the past never happened
And time did not exist for us at all
I still think we'd still be traveling together
Through all kinds of weather
Everything's a piece of everyone

As far as I can see
Walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
But I see these doors have keys

Walls are caving in
As far as I can see
The walls are caving in
Doors got locked for sure
There's no one here but me
There's no one here but me
No one here but me, yeah.
There's no one here but me
No one here but me.
--Caves, Jack's Mannequin

~*maria*~

At Night i've Got Nowhere To Hide

These hammers and strings
Been following me around
From a box filled garage
To the dark punk rock clubs
Of 1000 American towns
And my friend calls me up
She says, "how have you been?"
I say, "dear I've been well,
Yeah the money's coming
But I miss you like hell.
I still hear you in this
Old piano, oh yeah."
She says, "Andy, I know
That we don't talk as much
But I still hear your ghost
In these old punk rock clubs
Come on, write me a song
Give me something to trust
Just promise you won't let it be
Just the keys that you touch."

Give me something to believe in,
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby
A lullaby

These hammers and strings
Been following me around
Behind passenger vans
Through the snow, dirt, and sands
Of 1000 American towns
And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy.
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I will write you a lullaby,
A lullaby.

Give me something to believe in,
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just at night,
I've got nowhere to hide

To the sleepless, this is my reply:
I'll write you a lullaby
A lullaby, a lullaby, a lullaby.
--Hammers And Strings (A Lullaby), Jack's Mannequin

~*maria*~

Cold

"It started feeling like October."

It's cold outside.

"September never stayed this cold where I come from."

i believe i'm slowly dying.

"It's colder than it ought to be in March."

Please.

~*maria*~

--Annie, Use Your Telescope, Jack's Mannequin
--The Great Romances Of The 20th Century, Taking Back Sunday
--A Plain Morning, Dashboard Confessional

Out With Sartre And Camus

i'm still unsure. About pretty much everything in my life right now. It's making it very difficult to care about anything. That's bad.

~*maria*~

LHC

i'm still not sure about MIAD. But i guess that's normal right? Not everyone there can be 100% sure they want to be there, right?

On a much awesomer note, the human race is awesome. Scientists in Sweden flipped the switch to the "ON" position of the Large Hadron Collider today. Lots of people were terrified it would suck the world into a black hole or something. Obviously it hasn't yet. Yet. You should really read about this thing. It's amazing. It was built and collaborated on with over eight thousand physicists from over 85 countries as well as hundreds of universities and laboratories. And it's entire purpose is crazy. It's really interesting. Read about it. Also, for enjoyment, if you're ever wondering if the Large Hadron Collider has destroyed the world yet, this is the top website to visit.

~*maria*~

Dizzy In Despair

i told someone that i suck at drawing.

Then they asked me, "If you suck at drawing, why are you here?"

i didn't know.

i'm not good at any kind of art.

Even all the other photo majors can at least draw.

But i can't figure out what else to do with my life.

i don't belong anywhere.

And i feel so alone.

~*maria*~

Going Back On my Word

i was wrong. Oh my god, how wrong i was. i don't know what that sabbatical from my feelings was or what caused it. i guess i was just too focused on school and now that i know what i'm doing there, i have more time to focus on things i really don't want to. i was with him for two days straight. i slept mere feet from him and i still couldn't do what my brain was screaming at me to do. i still couldn't bring myself to stop being scared. my head was screaming, "JUST DO IT! There's nothing to be so scared of!" But i couldn't. But i wouldn't trade that birthday for anything.

~*maria*~

Sleeping

Fuck.I hate guys.

~*maria*~

Another Year

i'm another year older.

~*maria*~

Blogging About The 50's

i feel like i'm in high school again. i like it and i hate it. Obviously, MIAD is not my high school. And i love it there. But my guy problems are exactly the same. It's confusing me. FUCK!

~*maria*~

i Wanna Get Used By You

i'm bored.

i had a dream the night before last. It was wonderful. It's dreams like that that make me never want to wake up again.

i think a few of my friends need to listen to this song and stop basing everything on sex. It won't lead anywhere.

Caught you looking at my reflection
This is not the way we procreate
Give me something else than affection
Swollen suffering fantasy of hate
You're a pretty face
You should like me
I wanna get used by you
Cause I'm full of hate
Just excite me
I wanna get bruised by you
The murder that marks you every day
The stain on your soul won't wash away
We spit on the cross just like we're trained
We scowl and screw away the pain

"But i'm up for it if you are handsome. Let's keep that morningstar burning."

You're a party boy
You should like me
I wanna get used by you
Cause I'm unemployed
Just to spite me
I wanna get bruised by you

When you burn in hell
They remind you
Of all the things you screwed up in your life
I'll be one of them
If you're inclined to
Turn away from the ever-glowing light

You're a pretty face
You should like me
(All I want is to see through you
If only you were alive I could trust you)
I wanna get used by you
Cause I'm full of hate
Just excite me
(But now alone in your bed we'll prove
you do not have to love to be in pain too)
I wanna get

You should lie with me
The truth is, you should lie with me
--The Truth Is, You Should Lie With Me

~*maria*~

i Give myself Three Days To Get Better

i am confuzzled. Dammit.

~*maria*~

Falling Fast

If they get together, i'm gonna punch them both in the face.

~*maria*~

No Way, No How

i don't really think i like him anymore. i haven't seen him in two weeks and i don't care if i see him ever again. It just sort of happened last night. Something reminded me of him and i didn't get that feeling anymore. And the more i think about him, the less i feel. Who knew college could make me forget about him? i've had a crush on him for a long time, over a year, and in an instant it was gone. Well, i guess it wasn't really an instant. i've known for a long time that nothing would ever come from it, and i guess that finally sunk in and became reality.

Concert tomorrow in Madison. i get Ian's Pizza beforehand. i think i'm more excited for the pizza. Ian's is ridiculously good and i haven't had it since October.

~*maria*~

If Only...

Coolest first date ever, you ask?

The Zoo.

Maybe someday i'll actually get to experience that.

~*maria*~

No Matter What i'll Always Be Your Man

It's makes me sick to think of what we put ourselves through just to have the illusion that we're not alone, even though we still are.

~*maria*~

Drunk John Makes me Cry

A week ago i came home from hanging out with friends in Watertown and John was drunk. We sat on the balcony and talked. He asked me if i liked Ichi, the guy i have a crush on (not his real name) and i said yeah. He told me to make a move. John said that Ichi doesn't have any other offers and he'd be stupid not to go out with me. John said that he thought we'd make a perfect couple. He said i was "Cortana incarnate." That was the best compliment i've ever gotten in my entire life.

~*maria*~

Where was i?

As i said in my last post, i had an old blog that i deleted for various reasons. But i needed my old friend back. This is a continuation of the last one so let's recap my life since i started blogging.

i started {No Lies, Just Love} on Thursday, December 29, 2005. Since then here's what's happened to me:

Dated Phil off and on. He completely destroyed me; it wasn't his fault. That's all there is to it.
Had a thing with Luca. Nothing came of it.
i struggled with being completely unwanted and alone.
i found new friends.
Still struggled with being unwanted.
i became a senior and had a pretty shitty year.
i graduated.
And now i am preparing to go to the Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design to get a degree in something that i don't think i'm good at and that i can't really make much money with. School starts in 10 days. i'm scared shitless.

That brings us up to date. To help further, here's the last post from my old blog:

Monday, June 02, 2008
Talentless

i'm not really good at anything. i don't have any real talents. Which is probably, to me, one of the most depressing things about myself. i started playing Rockband earlier thinking i was going to try to get better. But i can't do it. i just don't get better. Practice does absolutely nothing for me. It never has. i never got better in basketball. i never could successfully serve a volleyball overhanded. i haven't seen much improvement in my Halo skills, although they're better than when i first started. But i'm not one of those people who is naturally talented at anything. But all my friends seem to be naturally talented at everything and i hate it. i'm probably not even that good with a camera. i mean, seriously, how much talent do you have to have to point a camera at something and press a button. And people always say there's more to it than that, but no, there really isn't. There's supposed to be, but with the cameras people can get today, it's just that simple.

So what am i good at? Everyone's supposed to have a talent right? What's mine? i can lie. Does that count? i'm actually a pretty good and convincing liar if i want to be. i'm good at destroying moments and situations. i'm awesome at picking shitty guys. i'm probably the best out of anyone i've ever met at completely fucking everything up.

i can't write. i can't sing. i can't act. i can't be the best at anything. So what the hell am i supposed to do with my time? i don't even have a flipping hobby because i just get depressed when i try and i can't do it. It's how my entire life has gone.

i am the thing i hate the most in the world.

~*maria*~
Posted by Maria at 8:06 PM 0 comments

~*maria*~

Old Friend

i had an old blog and i thought i could do it, but i can't. i don't have anyone. And i need somewhere to vent about my guy problems.

~*maria*~