Every Aching Wound Will Cauterize And Bruise In Memory Of What We Used To Call "In Love"

I hate myself for....so much.

For ever falling for him.

For believing anything he said.

For letting it get this far.

For wasting so much time pining over him.

I hate myself for being such an idiot.

~*maria*~

They Don't Love You Like i Love You

He's moving to California. In a few months. This isn't what i wanted. He's going to be even farther away. There's no way he'd want to try it now. How could he tell me he could see us going further? How could he keep leading me on? Only to move to fucking California. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

i've been begging and begging for something to go right. i was so happy. For once i was happy. And now i'm losing a man that i love to a state that is a four hour plane ride away. Why can't something good happen?

...please...

Grade School Take II

While i was growing up, anytime my brother was with any of his friends or even our cousins, they would all team up and make fun of me and make my day miserable. While John doesn't really do that anymore, only when i'm being evil, Moses still does. All the time. Pretty much anytime we're with other people, especially guys he's friends with, he makes me feel like shit. He and Rob just did it. i thought i didn't have to deal with that anymore.

Anytime something that reminds me of my terrible times of my childhood happens, it's like i immediately feel horrible. It's not like i had a bad childhood, it was just full to the brim with getting teased and made fun of all the time. And i can still barely stand that. i really don't like them right now.

~*maria*~

Sometimes Quicksand Has A Massive Appeal To me

Remember when i was so depressed in high school? That doesn't even begin to compare to how i have felt lately. And no one seems to notice. It takes every ounce of strength i have to not cry every second i'm awake. i don't find anything entertaining anymore. And there are only about three people i can stand to be around for more than five minutes, but they don't care about me.

"i'd like to tell you that i'm ready for whatever's coming, but, to be honest, there's a part of me that loses control." -- A Lifeless Ordinary (Need A Little Help), Motion City Soundtrack

~*maria*~

i'm A Robot

my mother called me this morning. She said i should find some friends outside of my computer. That pissed me off. It has been made perfectly clear to me over and over that no one understands my obsession with WoW and why i would much rather play that than be with people in real life, so everyone just needs to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. i don't care what you think. i enjoy spending my life in front of that stupid game so shut up. If i wanted to be with the people i know in real life, i would be. But right now i just want to sit here and restlessly switch between WoW and Halo. The next person who says something like that to me, gets a punch in the kidney. i'm just sick of it. It doesn't make me feel good.

~*maria*~

i Can Disappear Anytime i Want To

That's it. Some nice Thanksgiving morning Halo playing with him and i'm gone. i need to distance myself from him. This is killing me. So no more texting him, asking him to play with me, making the first move. He doesn't want me so i need to make it so i don't want him either anymore. Wish me luck. Good luck.

~*maria*~

Soccer

i had a dream about Ryan earlier. It was very sad. And it made me very sad.

~*maria*~

Your Girl

i'm not his kind of girl. His girls are skinny and pretty and good in bed. i'm none of those things.

i can't understand why this would happen? i've been through so much crap with guys. There's no way, if there's a God, he would let it seem as though Rob is just within reach only to be ripped away. i want him so bad.

i'll have to hear your giggles at some point this night...you have a pretty voice, it's nice to hear...because you're cute...you're awesome...you should take a lesson from your bear and get on all fours...pretty lady...i really just wanted to sneak away with you

~*maria*~

"You should talk more. You have a pretty voice. It's nice to hear."

This situation is killing me. i love playing WoW with him and playing halo and talking to him and texting each other constantly but it sucks at the same time. Whenever we're doing those things, i have to sit there and constantly remind myself that this amazing guy... ...will never be mine. That last phrase was so hard to type. It's so unfair. He actually likes me, and yet i can never be with him. It hurts so bad. Worse than any of the others ever did. It feels like someone is stomping on my heart.

Do you really want to go outside
It's so cold out there
Wouldn't you rather spend the night
I'll keep you warm
In here

Laying next to you
Your skin on my skin
Wouldn't you rather pretend
That this night doesn't have to end
And I
I'll take you home in the morning
I promise, I swear
In the morning
I'll take you home

And maybe you'll stay
And maybe you will stay
And maybe you'll stay with me

To wake up next to you
And watch you sleeping
Is all I want right now
Is all I want right now
And I know I can't keep you
And this night has to end
But if we just hold on to tonight
If we just never fall asleep
Maybe this won't end
Maybe this won't end
Maybe this night won't end

If we hold on to tonight
Then maybe this won't end
If we never fall asleep
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this won't end
Then maybe this night won't end
--Sherrie's Song, I Voted for Kodos

~*maria*~

i Love You Like Dora Loves Maps

He's making it very difficult to move on. Not that i really want to.

~*maria*~

Cool Points

i had a moment of clarity while i was making mocha sauce at work tonight. What am i expecting to happen? Will he really just all of a sudden one day tell me he's ready to give this a shot?

Be realistic here. That's never actually going to happen. He's not just going to wake up one day and realize i'm worth the hassle of the distance. What is much more likely is that we will continue in this almost-relationship stage until a better girl comes along and he starts dating her. And it will absolutely destroy me. i can't believe i let myself get so invested. i'm an idiot.

~*maria*~

Kiddo

It wasn't supposed to get this far. i'm tired of waiting. i'm really depressed. i'm crying all the time. i have no motivation. i've screwed school up. i just want him.

~*maria*~

Little Lady

Maybe people are right.

Am i wasting my time?

Maybe i should forget about him and settle for someone closer to home.

i'm screwing this up. i really don't think he'll have the same feelings if we meet.

i'm not pretty.

i'm annoying

i'm kind of a bitch.

Just watch me screw this up. i bet you i can.

~*maria*~

Quite Possibly

"As much as I would like to say yes, I can't out of respect," he said. "I've got a lot of things going on in my life and I can't bring another person into it all. If I can keep up this forward momentum I have going then I can see taking our friendship further. I just can't jump into a relationship yet. Not when I still have so much on my plate."

So i have to wait for him to clear some room on his plate for me. i know patience is not one of my virtues, but i will try my best. He's worth it.

~*maria*~

i'm So Lonely For Her

It's not until you try to sleep after burning all the friendly bridges and being rejected in the nicest possible way by a man you feel very strongly for that you really realize how it feels to be alone.

~*maria*~

Dreaming

The realization that it was just a dream when you wake up is the worst part of it. i could still feel his fingers between mine. i laid in bed and just thought about it for what seemed like hours. i wish i could just call him mine.

~*maria*~

Spinning

i don't understand my life. It's like every good thing has to have a bad side. Why can't something completely good just happen for once? No down side, no catch. Just something to make me completely happy.

This past weekend i went to Aaron's in Platteville. Before i went, i decided that if he made a move, i'd go for it. At the time i thought he liked me. i decided i'd settle for him. He's a great guy, he just isn't the guy i want. So eventually i just asked him how he felt about me. He said he just saw me as a friend. And i was happy. i was happy that it solved my problem for me. i didn't have to be logical and go for the guy who lived an hour away instead of twenty.

So on my way home from Pville i decided to just ask Rob how he felt about me. i figured i could knock out all my guy problems within a twenty-four hour period. So i asked. i asked if he could ever see me as more than just a friend. His response? Side note: For months i have convinced myself there's no chance, so when i asked him, i expected a "no." His response: "Of course." i don't think i've ever been more shocked in my entire life.

i thought about that all night. What did he mean by of course? Like a hypothetical there's-always-a-chance-anyone-could-like-anyone way? Or a yes-i-like-you way? So i asked him today. He likes me. He just has a problem with the distance.

So what now? Do we just ignore our feelings and go on just being friends, searching for someone closer to home? Or do we give it a shot? Say fuck it, it's just distance? Either option will suck. And now that i know how he feels, there's no way i'm going to be able to forget about him anytime soon. Only in my life would i meet an amazing guy who makes me feel wonderful and who also has to live very far away. So what the fuck do i do now?

~*maria*~

"Just have The Final Countdown ready, you will be fine."

Eh. Screw 'em.

~*maria*~

Sound Of Settling

i shouldn't have to, but i guess i will. i will settle for a great guy over an amazing man. i will settle for a man i don't love over one i do. If it means i won't be lonely and i will forget about the man i do love, then i will settle.

~*maria*~

Grandma

When i was little, i broke one of my grandmother's cup and saucer sets that she has been collecting for a very long time. While i was crying and feeling horrible, she pulled me up on her lap and said to me, "Shit happens and then you die." That is probably my favorite memory involving her. And that phrase has stuck with me for my entire life.

~*maria*~

Cell Phones

Hmm. i don't know how to feel about this night. i jokingly sent a text to Moses that said i wanted to have lots of sex and babies with Rob. Moses forwarded it to him. Thanks Moses. And then when i came home and played WoW with him, he didn't say anything about it. Did he just think i was kidding? i mean, how much more obvious can a person be right? Because i totally wasn't. If i had the opportunity, i would jump on that in a heartbeat. Hehe. It's probably just that he doesn't want me. Why would he? i'm 100% positive there are prettier, smarter, funnier girls willing to go out with him in his own state. So why bother with me? Because we all know i'm not worth it.

~*maria*~

Time

i need to remember to never talk to my brothers about the guys i like ever again. i was happy before that night. i was feeling good. i was letting myself hope, against everything i knew was a good idea, i was hoping. i actually thought i had a shot. But most of all, i was happy. i hadn't cried in weeks. my life seemed like it was going somewhere for once. i was smiling and joking. Now...now i'm miserable. i can't make it one night without crying. i bet they don't even realize what they did. They don't even realize that they smashed my hopes into tiny little pieces. It's not like i tried to hide it. i cried really hard for a long time on his porch and he didn't even notice. And it's not so much that my hoping was abruptly ended, as i knew it would be at some point in time. What's killing me the most is knowing that for once i was actually happy and almost satisfied with who i was and where i was going. But now it's back to the same old depressed, antisocial me that we've all come to know and hate.

~*maria*~

Did You Know i Miss You?

i'm a fool. i was an idiot to ever hope. i've never let myself do that before, not like this time. i'm now reminded why. Thanks to Moses, my hopes were dashed within milliseconds. And i cried for the first time in weeks. Now, everytime someone talks to me about it, i want to punch them in the face. i don't understand why i can't just get a fucking break for once. i was happy. i was happy pretending i had some sort of shot. And now i'm not. And i don't. Thank you everyone.

~*maria*~

i Could Stay Here All Day But That's Not How you Feel

He said i seemed down and out lately, and asked what was going on. i was reluctant at first. But he kept pushing. So finally i listed the broad categories of the areas of my life i was having problems in, which is pretty much all of them. He then asked me one by one what was happening. We talked for a long time. He asked me about my men troubles. i told him i liked a guy but there's no way in hell he'd like me back. He said i should be more available, be blatantly obvious that i like this man. So i'm going to be. i might pull some courage from past sydnie and even tell him flat out that if he wants me, i'm his. And if not, we'll be friends. i know what he'll say. He'll reject me like the others. But then at least i can stop wasting my time and focus on more realistic prospects.

i also asked him why he didn't have a special lady friend. He said he took a break after his last girlfriend and just hadn't pursued anything yet. He said he hadn't found the right girl. That all the girls he comes across are party girls and while they're fun for a few days, he has no desire to have a relationship with a girl like that.

i'm not a party girl. Not anymore.

This is weird. Usually i'd just say screw it, that the distance was too much. That long distance relationships don't work. i've done that before. But there's something about him that makes me incapable of doing that. i feel so comfortable around him. Not nervous like i usually am around guys i have feelings for. Something about it just feels right. i feel a lot more hopeful about this than i have about other guys before. i don't know how to explain it. It just...it feels...different.

~*maria*~

And Is She Everything....Everything i'm Not

So you know the feeling you get when you find out the man you have ridiculous feelings for is either dating or had sex with or whatever a different girl? i just realized i think it's my favorite feeling in the world. It's almost impossible to describe how that feels. It hurts so bad you can't even cry or express it in words. It's horrible, but it's beautiful.

~*maria*~

Some Things Aren't Worth Giving Up, i Know

i hate this. i don't understand it. i shouldn't like him. i know it's futile. He would never like me like that, and even if he did, he'd never think i was worth the hassle of a long distance relationship. But i can't stop thinking about him. And it's only getting worse. There are moments when he kind of makes it seem like he might think of me that way, but that's probably just how he is. i know he's almost as flirty as i am, so i can't actually read into that right? i wish i could pay someone to tell him how i feel for me so that i wouldn't have to be rejected straight to my face. Or put in a good word for me or something. This is fucking stupid. i'm fucking stupid. He seems more interested than he has before. And there's no denying we make a great pair. Psh, scratch that, a magnificent pair. We get together and we can accomplish anything. We compliment each other so well. And people have noticed that.

i need to do something about this. i don't want to deal with this anymore. But what the hell am i supposed to do?

i saw Something Corporate tonight. It was amazing. One of the best concerts i've ever been to. There were several parts when i wanted to cry because i was so happy.

i often wonder if he thinks about me at all while he's going about his daily life. Or if it's like i don't even exist to him unless we're playing together.

~*maria*~

Willow

At Dillon's wedding reception, there were cards that said birthdates and what tree they correspond to. When you found what tree you were, it told you about yourself. i was a willow tree. And the description is pretty spot on.

Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.

~*maria*~

Late Night Talks

There have been countless times when i end up alone with the man i have feelings for and it's silent. The only thing that runs through my head is, "Say something. Please, say anything. i just want to hear your voice one last time."

~*maria*~

i Am Resigned To Stay The Same

i'm Guild Master. It was decided tonight. i hope i don't screw up. If i do, there's always the option of quitting the guild and never interacting with these people again. But that would make me sad.

i talked to a coworker about some of my problems today. i realized how stupid i sound. Seriously, when i try to describe my problems to someone, i sound retarded.

i've also been playing my guitar again. i really want to get my piano and start playing that again. i will have to pick it up. i was actually kind of good with the piano if i practiced.

my feelings have not changed for him. i hate love.

~*maria*~

Forward-Thinking

Moses and i had a conversation about John today. Moses said he felt john was distancing himself from everyone. i told him he was. That he didn't feel he had anything in common with his friends anymore. Moses couldn't grasp the fact that he didn't have to talk to John about it. He just needed to be a friend to John.

i know how you feel, John. i've burnt so many bridges because of that feeling i can't even keep them all straight anymore. i just wish i had had a little sister to recognize the signs before it was too late. Before i was left with two people i consider friends. i'm not sure i have ever said this to you, but i love you, John. You're my best friend, my man of honor. And i'm completely serious, when i get married, you will be right up there as my man of honor.

i think i've found the Pauer Sibling theme song.

Will I have learned so very little
When these bones are old and brittle?
I wait to talk when I should listen
And cloud mistakes with false revisions

All my friends are forward-thinking
Getting hitched and quitting drinking
And I can feel them pulling away
As I'm resigned to stay the same

And you can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"

I was once a loyal lover
Whose lips did never seek another's
But now each love's more like a match
A blinding spark that burns out fast

And they all conclude with the same sentence:
"I've never met someone more self-centered
Who thinks that life with a nice girl's like
Waiting for a bus to work"

And you can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"
And you can't even begin to believe
There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

If you deem it so
Just cut the cord and go
You'll be fine
There's plenty of hills to climb

You can't even begin to know
How many times I've told myself "I told you so"
And you can't even begin to believe
There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

~*maria*~
--I Was Once A Loyal Lover, Death Cab for Cutie

Ups & Downs

i couldn't stop crying. It was horrible. All of my coworkers kept asking me, "Are you okay?" which just made me cry harder. i still don't know why i was crying. Partially because i hate my life, but that wasn't the whole reason. i've been unhappy with my life for seven years, there's always another reason.

And I'm gonna get to the bottom of this
Gonna peel back my skin
And look at myself shaking and shivering
And I'll get the rope
From in the house
Survey the scene
Find two of the tallest trees
And I'd tie myself up
Above the cool air
To dangle in the twilight

And I'm gonna get to the bottom of this
Gonna peel back my skin
And look at myself shaking and shivering
As my skin collects in a pile on the ground
I'll radiate heat and turn off my head
And just pretend that i don't exist
Then I'll see clearly to the end
Of the ropes that I've been hanging form
As they loosen from the trees
And plummet to the ground
Be impaled and turned around
I'm finally free from the ups and downs

~*maria*~
--Ups & Downs, Saves the Day

Love Life

i'm happy.

...you don't seem the type to use the word cute
well...why not?
because cute seems like a happy word
and you don't seem like a happy person:)
am i really that depressing all the time?
not depressing
but not happy
depressed
it doesn't depress me, but you seem unhappy most of the time there are rare occasions when you're laughing and happy but it's usually at the destruction of other humans, like when we saw braveheart, or sometimes when we're playing GOTY

i'm wanted.

i know, i don't know, i guess im a little scared that you and i will just slowly drift apart, because you know i'm not outgoing enough to start conversations, and then eventually we'll just sort of ...i don't know, it's stupid i know

i'm blameless.

if it's anyone's fault it's mine... i sent mixed signals to begin with, and then i left you entirely because i figured it'd be easier for you to deal with things if i wasn't around to complicate your life... so i stopped talking to you for a while, hoping you'd have time to heal and get over it, and adriane..
adriane just came along at the right time and said what she did to who she did at just the right time... i was confused, to be sure, because there was you and there was angela (whom i really liked at the time, but she wouldn't reciprocate)... and then she came along, and i figured i'd give it a shot, because i had nothing to lose...
syd, there's no competing with her, not because she's better than you in any way... but she's better for me.
you're not stupid and ugly like you always insist...
you still surprise me from time to time with little feats of cunning or intelligence, and i still find you attractive on occasion (although, discipline and commitment have all but removed my ability to be attracted to anyone but adriane)... i dunno what else to say, then, except that...
i'm sorry for screwing up your life. i wish i could give you all this time of confusion and unhappiness back to you... but i can't.

i'm used. i'm abandoned. i'm not worth the risk.

~*maria*~

WoW Before Boyfriends Take II

i think i'm in love.

~*maria*~

Awkward Car Rides

Relationships are a complete waste of time.

I'm glad you can some it all up like that. I still like to have some hope.

If you've been through what i've been through with guys, you'd be hopeless too.

You're too young and pretty to be this jaded.

The whole jaded thing is a family trait. John's the same way. Also, being hopelessly in unrequited love is a family trait.

~*maria*~

WoW Before Boyfriends

Have you ever had points in your life where you just have to stop and say to yourself, "Self, listen to this question very closely. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Yeah, i've been have a ton of those lately.

"I think that maybe it's just bad luck. We could have been born rich, and thin, and powerful. We could have been worth their time."

He asked me why relationships scared me so much. i responded with this conversation John and i had once. The one i've posted at least once a year since then so that i would never forget.

"I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and, if you look at it philosophically, it doesn't make sense. The pain is unavoidable. Either somebody gets dumped or somebody dies, there's no way out..."

i don't want to hurt him or hurt myself, but it would never actually work out.

"...but it's not just the ending, it's the whole concept. It's giving such a huge part of yourself to someone whose intentions you can never truly know; sacrificing so much of your freedom of choice for a few moments, or months, or years of pleasure."

~*maria*~

Everything's Too Cold...

It's ridiculous. I don't understand what you're thinking. I don't really care, I guess.

All I know is, if it continues, I'll regret it.

I don't want that.

I don't want you to love me anymore.

I couldn't even think about you.

I was thinking of someone else.

With my bags packed and ready to go, nothing's ever hurt so much for me than to let you go.

~*maria*~

--Baby Blue, The Early November

Time Passed

i broke up with Joe a couple weeks ago. i pissed Manda off, i don't know how. There's a new boy...and an old one. Except i don't have anyone to talk to about everything that has happened in a few short weeks.

~*maria*~

Just Maybe

Maybe i'm too mean. But i'm okay with it. Some people just aren't deserving of me bestowing my awesomeness on them.

~*maria*~

World of Warcraft

i feel so left out all the time in our guild now. i know this is stupid to be writing about, but WoW is pretty much my life. And i was having such a great time playing with just the few of us. But then they started wanting to raid. And now there's tons of people in our guild and they don't even invite me to do stuff with them anymore. And i keep asking them if i can off tank but they always just ignore me. Fuck it.

~*maria*~

Can i Lie With You In Your Grave?

i wish he at least understood why i don't like her. There used to be something between them. Everyone knows it even though he denies it. That together with the fact that every time he hangs out with her he insists they be alone makes me want to punch her in the face whenever i see her.

There are still times when i really don't want to be with him anymore. When i feel that it's like this isn't going to last and i'm wasting my time. That i should just give up on him ever changing and just go find someone else. We've been together for almost a year and when i look back at it i had fun, mostly, but he doesn't feel like the one i'm going to be with for very long.

Maybe if i was a ginger and flailed around whenever someone touched me my boyfriend would love me too.

~*maria*~

i don't understand why the world perpetually just shits all over me. All the time. i can never get a fucking break.

~*maria*~

I'm Okay; I'm All Right

{No Lies, Just Love} is five years old. And to celebrate, here is one of my favorite songs of all time.

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank you for the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll come back down and sit beside your feet tonight
Where ever I am, you'll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don't shed a tear
I'll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I'm okay; I'm all right,
Though you have gone from my life
you said that it would
Now everything should be all right

She says I'm okay; I'm all right
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be all right
--If I Ever Leave This World Alive, Flogging Molly

~*maria*~